My Time to Simplify

In love...

2012-02-01T23:50:00.002-06:00

I am so in love with this little guy.

I have had about six days of unexpected leave from work. I hadn't planned it but I am so glad I have been off. This unexpected leave has been some of the best time I've had with D. We have gotten up and snuggled; We have cooked breakfast together; We have played with the boys; We have read books after books after books; We have taken naps together; We have played outside; And, we have taken daily drives on PaPa's tractor.

I've never been a "farm" girl or a "country" girl, or I have never considered myself as one; however, seeing the pure JOY on D's face to be outside and to see his little eyes PLEAD with me to go ride the tractor when he sees the tractor or hears the word tractor...adorable...and I would move heaven and earth to see him get to ride on that John Deere machine!

He sits on my lap and is completely content to just ride for as long as I will drive. He will look up at me and just grin...ugh...the most precious sight ever. Every now and then he will grab the wheel and start driving. He turns the wheel until we are going in donut circles. Sweet boy! He doesn't really like it when we stop and shut the engine off. He will look up and reach out in front of him and grab the air with his tiny little fists and go "uh"? "uh"? So, usually I start it back up and we take it for another spin. I'm a sucker.

The below picture is of the creek at the back of my parent's land. My dad played back here when he was little and I now know that D will too. We drove back here on the tractor and I took a picture of it. It's beautiful back here...we are going to have a good time :-)

I have a little front porch and I open the front door and storm door so D can play on the porch and be "outside". I have baby gated the stairs so he is safe and secure and can come and go as he pleases. It has been rather warm (for January/February) so we have spent time out there. D LOVED putting the glass in between us and he kept kissing me through the glass. This is a precious picture to me...he he he.

This is the back porch. I had the main door open and the screen shut so I could let some fresh air in and Zach decides to barrel through the screen and rip it...nice dog. Anyway, D decided he was going to go for it so he climbed through...so much using the screen now! I laughed when I saw it though...it is a redneck doggie door!

D at 14 months

2012-01-26T10:07:00.000-06:00

This kid is ALWAYS on the go. He never sits still so here are two pictures of him actually still!!! I just thought his little socks were cute in the top picture. He was watching Chuggington or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or something. The second one is of him sitting on his little couch reading his book. He LOVES books which I LOVE. He constantly brings books to me to read. He's going to be a smart boy.

The below video is the aftermath of him dumping out the entire cat food container in the pantry. He LOVES the pantry and is constantly playing in it. I finally had to really make it kid friendly so when he shuts the door on me and plays in there by himself he is safe. lol. You will need to turn up the sound on this one. He dumps out the entire cat food container and then starts putting EACH cat food pebble in one at a time...you'll actually hear the "clink" of it hitting the tin on the bottom. He is so funny.

This next video shows D in rare form. The above video is inside the pantry and the below one is me outside the pantry and him inside. He loves his privacy. He will shut the door in your face and doesn't mind being in a room by himself. He gets mad if we don't let him do it. He is going to find out that NOTHING is private in Momma's house. So...D, if you are reading this 15 years from now...OPEN THAT DOOR!

You'll have to turn up the volume on this one too. You can see his little fits. I stuck the camera in between the door and the door facing (he doesn't know I see him) so you can see his little fits when I try to open the door. At the end he proceeds to shut the door really hard on my head when I try to get in (you will see it...well, you will hear it...I sort of scream...IT HURT!)

My Time to Simplify

2012-01-25T22:18:00.003-06:00

Yes, it is my time to simplify. Prioritize. Weigh my life and sift out the unnecessary...

I learned so much last year...boy, 2011 was a whopper of a year. However, I learned a ton and I refuse to walk away from 2011, and all the hardships and joys I experienced, and not take away lessons. I do not want another year to be a "2011"...I am moving on.

So, to be able to survive a year like 2011, I must simplify. This blog will become my simplification "journey". I want my life to be clean and simple. My focus will be on my relationship with Christ...the joy and love of my life, Dawson...enjoying my family...and putting renewed energy in my career. All other "stuff" will be put where it belongs.

I know it will be a healing year for me as well. I never intended to hurt anyone in this blog...ever. Please accept my apologies to anyone who has felt betrayed by this blog...again, it was never, ever my intention. This entire blog started because I wanted to talk about infertility...I didn't want to feel alone any more. I never realized how much I would love to write and how much me writing would be therapy for my aching heart.

Whether I like it or not, or wanted it or not, I have a fresh (new) beginning. I have the most precious little miracle in my care, and I will do everything within my power to keep that sweet boy happy and at peace. I love that kid more than I ever thought I would and I truly thought I would love him a LOT...ha...I cannot put into words...I guess all the moms out there understand.

I have a bunch of junk...in my garage...in the boxes in the garage (old bills, etc...maybe I'm a hoarder...not a full blown one...but too lazy to throw stuff away???) IDK, I have to get rid of all that crap - I want a clean house...I want a clean garage...I want a clean life...I want a clean mind and clean heart. I need to get rid of the crap and simplify. The less I have around me...the more I can focus on what is important.

So, there is a "time for everything"...my motto for the year. Here's to 2012...my new beginning...

I'm Back...

2012-01-24T14:30:00.001-06:00

I have been in the process of rethinking and updating my blog...in the next few weeks I will have a no blog layout and a new blog name, etc. I have decided to customize my template (something I have always wanted to do). I found a really cute one and I am working with the designer now.

Sorry the site has been down for the past few weeks. I have purged a few of my posts and wanted the site down so I could do it. Everything should be up and fully viewable now!

Here's to NEW beginnings!!!!!

Simplify

2012-01-01T21:17:00.003-06:00

That is my only goal in 2012: To simplify. I tend to "try" to be an overachiever and take on TOO many things and I spread myself TOO thin. I have finally figured that out...genius! LOL.

2012 is a new beginning of sorts...depending on if the world doesn't end on 12-21-12 (which happens to be my birthday). Just kidding, I don't think the world is ending on 12-21. So, 2012 is my new beginning. Last year was bittersweet. I have learned so much about myself and about my limits. I am on the road to recovery. My heart is sad but it is healing. It will scar over soon.

I am so blessed to have had a full year with D. 2011 has been amazing with him. I have enjoyed every single second with him and I can truly say that I haven't regretted one moment spent with him. I am so thankful to have this little miracle man in my life. Every diaper change, every bath, every fit (yeah, this has started this month), every early morning he wants to get up, every time he brings a book to me for me to snuggle and read to him...everything...I try to absolutely stop what I am doing so I can be "present" with him. He is worth it and I wouldn't trade it for a minute.

My body hurts because I have been furiously cleaning my house from top to bottom. I am tired because I have worked non stop for the last five days and I still am not finished. Sigh. I believe EVERY thing in my house has been touched now. I have thrown away so much stuff. I am slowly getting rid of the stuff M and I got together so I won't have a "memory" with it. New things I get truly help me move forward.

My independent nature is re-surfacing. I got married at 29 so I truly was on my own for 11 years. My being independent was always a sore subject in the marriage, however, I still had to be the independent one and the leader. Now, I don't have to worry about the variable, "M". I know I can count on myself, does that make sense?

Simplifying my life will help me in many areas...personal (more time with D, more time for myself - exercise)...finances (I have everything I need - so it is time to save and focus on the future)...spiritual (I need to concentrate on the basics...that God loves me and wants the best for me AND I don't have to worry). I will focus on knowing I can close my eyes and let him lead me this year. Work...I try to take on the world...this year I have a wonderful assistant who is just plain awesome. She and I are going to be the dynamic duo this year. I have five areas that I am concentrating on and I am working on putting together an amazing team together. I believe you are only as good as the people around you...so THAT is a focus. Quality quality quality is the focus...not quantity.

Anyway, here's to 2012. May your year be blessed.

God's peace is overwhelming...

2011-12-11T20:45:00.001-06:00

Even in the midst of trials and nightmarish circumstances, God's peace is overwhelming. The one and only feeling I always want to feel 24/7 is God's peace. God's peace reminds me that God is sovereign...God's sovereignty reminds me that I don't have to worry.

The last month has been surreal. Despite everything I have gone through over the last seven years, God's peace trumps all of the sadness, despair, longing, and anger. I have my moments but the peace that passes all understanding seriously guards my heart and my mind. God is good.

I have found myself able to very civil, accommodating and actually nice to M. Genuinely. Only God could do that.

Just a little bit of my "feelings" now...

Gosh...

2011-12-10T21:12:00.001-06:00

I have started posts so many times and I just don't have the "heart" to sit and write. I am updating tonight whether I like it or not.

Life has been very normal the last few weeks. Thanksgiving was great and we had a fun time with my Dawson family. It felt like home (as it should) be I've never spent holidays with them...we always had to go to my dad's side...which is fine...but it was GREAT to connect with my mom's side...something I am sure that will become a tradition.

After Thanksgiving D got really sick. I missed four days of work and we had a pediatrician visit. It was HORRIBLE. They had to flush out his ears to be able to see his eardrums. His ear canals are small and tilted where even a little bit of wax could block the view. Our doctor - Dr. W, tried to pick it out but D was having NONE of that...so they had to flush out the ear wax.

I had to take his little shirt off and then the nurses wrapped him in a towel so he couldn't move or even squirm. The stuck a little catheter like tube in his ear and it was connected to a spray bottle....well, the nurse started squirting water in his ear (or whatever the solution was) and well, it was just horrible. D screamed and he screamed and he boo hooed until he almost fell asleep in exhaustion. Ended up he had double ear infections and I am sure the "flushing" didn't feel so good on the ol' infection!!!

He has had a horrible cough, green snot, fever and ear aches the last two weeks. I got the sore throat and cough from him and I almost lost my voice...we are both still trying to get better. He didn't eat for about three days but today was the first day that he has started eating better. He ate 1.5 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! I was so proud!

As for me, I am doing well. I am focusing every minute on D and work. I feel good about where I am in life and I feel at peace in the here and now. There are so many wide roads where my future could lead and I do not have the patience nor the time to daydream and worry about where they will lead and the actual road I will take. I push everything aside and give D 110%...he gets my time and my love and my patience. I owe this kid so much. He has kept me grounded and centralized in my thinking.

I have more to talk about but I am getting sleepy and I am going to take advantage of this earlier bed time...

Doing pretty good...

2011-11-22T01:33:00.001-06:00

I have shocked myself, but I am doing pretty good. I have had my moments...but all in all it's going OK. There was some drama last week but I had to put on my "reality hat" and just make my mind accept things and my heart had no choice but to follow. Each day is a little different than the day before. I concentrate more and more on the little guy and try to enjoy as much time as I can with him.

I am off this week for Thanksgiving and we have done NOTHING for the last three days. I have needed the down time...D probably gets bored. Tomorrow we have a play date with one of my BFs (and D's godmother) and her kiddos. It should be fun.

The weather is pretty crazy right now, that's why I am writing at almost 2 in the morning. It is storming and I just haven't been able to shut off my brain. I wanted to get a quick post in before I headed to bed.

I finished a lot of my Christmas shopping tonight...I did all of it online!!! I am so proud of myself!!! I am very pleased with the gifts too!!!

Ummm, what else. I guess that is all for now. Just wanted to say that I am actually doing good...THANK YOU, LORD!

Every hour on the hour...

2011-11-15T23:09:00.001-06:00

I have had an okay day. I sent myself "appointments" with positive comments, verses and reasons to remind me why I have made the decisions I have made. The reminders popped up every hour on the hour. This helped me stay focused most of the day.

Now onto another day of trying to stay focused. The holiday season is my favorite time of year...and the time of year I hate the most. I have never felt more alone than I do right now...and I know the holiday nostalgia and the "no husband, wife, kiddo" dynamic will be more difficult than I really want to deal with.

Going to go to sleep now. My last reminder of the day is "sleep in perfect peace"...

Bad Dreams...

2011-11-14T05:02:00.001-06:00

Random Post, sorry.

Most of the time I have fun, very detailed, dreams; but sometimes, I have a really bad, really real nightmare. Ya know, NOT the ones of the Scream killer coming and chasing me like I'm in a very bad horror flick...I have the ones that are real (D getting kidnapped...D getting beaten by a day care center...etc.).

Well, I don't have them a lot, maybe 5 a year...however, lately, I have had them more frequently. This one woke me up about 20 minutes ago and I have been unable to go back to sleep.

Long dream short...it was sort of like the movie 2012. The huge tidal waves were coming in and there was not a thing you could do but sit and watch and pray that the massive, violent waves didn't sweep you away. My immediate family and I (+ D) had found out and we began preparing as best we could. We made our way through the "city" streets trying to find "something' (but looking back on the dream...all we could do was watch the impending doom). Anyway, we walked through all the corridors and hallways, which all looked the same, we were trying to find the beach ???? I truly don't know why. To protect the innocent, one of my family members who was holding D some how locked him in my old pastor's office without me knowing. We made it to the beach and we were watching the waves get bigger and bigger and I kept ask what D was doing and I realized he wasn't "sleeping" where my family member said he was...I panicked and the family member just cried because they didn't want D to see all the chaos and terror. After they told me where he was, I frantically searched through all the hallways trying to find that office. I did find it but it was locked and I, again, panicked.

I was able to get him out and we did manage to escape the first devastating waves that hit us but the bad news lurking around was that we were not out of the danger zone...more waves were to come.

I'm sure it has to do with me being a single parent now and the responsibility of keeping D alive and safe, etc. Not only are my dreams very detailed and real...I FEEL my dreams. I feel the terror and the hopelessness. I feel my pounding heart and the tears. I feel the horrible flip flop of your stomach when you realize the fate of your story. UGH....thus me being awake now.

Gonna go try to get some sleep now. At least I got to love on the kitty a bit and the dogs got a pee break. Sigh. D is just dreaming away...not a care in the world. Thank you, Lord!

D's First Birthday Party

2011-11-13T23:08:00.001-06:00

I am beyond thrilled with D's birthday party. I waited a little long to secure D's venue...and when I finally decided and called...well, the owners are just amazing anyway. She helped us get a time set and really worked with us. I worked at this farm for three years in college. I am just so glad we had D's party there.

I didn't really get good pictures of D actually looking at the camera because he was so in awe of his surroundings! I got so tickled at him. He played and played. He rode on the carousel and on the zip line (w/his daddy). He wasn't scared of anything :-)

We had a great turn out and I am so thankful for the friends and family that came. Love you all. D will have a very memorable birthday party to look back on. THANK YOU...

11-11-2011

2011-11-11T20:41:00.001-06:00

I will never forget tonight's bedtime. D and I sat in the floor and played his race car track toy (it goes round and round) for about an hour. He puts EVERYTHING in it...toys, cars, books, DVDs, balls...even himself. He wants to go round and round but the little engine isn't strong enough. Ha. I love it.

Mom had gotten him a big soft blanket to cuddle up in (for his birthday party tomorrow) and we snuggled up in the glider and I gave him his evening bottle. We rocked and he fell right to sleep (or so I thought). We rocked for a few minutes and then he shook himself awake. I scooped him up and took him to his baby bed and laid him down. He laid still for a second (awake) and then looked up at me and started giggling. I couldn't help myself and I started giggling back. We just kept giggling at each other until it turned into full blown belly laughs.

He was in such a good mood. Ah! I needed that giggle fest tonight...more than anything. After our giggles, he fell right to sleep. Ah, the kid is my joy.

He is getting so animated and smart. We got a cat last weekend and he LOVES cats. He pets them so gentle and he even ended up kissing the kitty when he first met her (we think it is a girl). Anyway, tonight the kitty was on the table (yes, on the table) and it's tail was hanging off. My table is tall, btw. So, D went up to the table and instead of grabbing the cat's tail (like normal kids would), he was on his tip toes trying to kiss the end of it's tail! Mom and I laughed so hard. He wanted to put the cat's tail in his mouth!!!

This kid is hilarious. He is starting to learn that he can try to get what he wants. He can kick and pitch a small fit sometimes. :-) We are learning what a stern "No" means...and mom got mad at me tonight and said that I talked nicer to my dogs! Whatever. She just can't stand the thought of telling the stinker no.

Even though last weekend was his birthday, we are having his birthday party tomorrow at Family Farm. I can't wait!!! His theme is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I am excited. I will have pictures to share!!!

D's first Halloween!

2011-11-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

This Halloween was D's first. He missed it by four days last year. :-)

We went to OCA's Trunk or Treat and he was more interested in the music than the candy! He was in awe of all the kids and the music and being outside (he loves the outdoors).

He was a monkey. What is funny is that his monkey head piece was too small :-) Ha!

Oh, this was just a cute picture. D passed out on "Gerry Giraffe"

D's head was too big for the monkey hat portion of the costume...So, we used the Cardinals' hat that Aunt Monica & Uncle Jordan got him last year. He gets the big head naturally (obviously...look at momma's big head).

I LOVE these jammies :-) I bought them about two months ago. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them.

Happy Halloween folks! He is getting so big!

Pics

2011-10-20T22:57:00.003-05:00

This is my peace tree. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this tree and always have. This is the view from my back door. I have missed the country so much. This tree is just beautiful...

The above pics are my "attempt" at photography. LOL, I wanted a good one that would go on a Christmas card...I don't think I succeeded.

No Title...

2011-10-10T22:44:00.000-05:00

I don't have a catchy title. It's been over two weeks since my last post. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer all the time and I don't want to blog about the same ol', same ol'. So here are some updates from our little household...

Dawson is on the go! He is just walking everywhere! He thinks he is something else!!!! He is a big boy and eats all types of things. He loves grill cheeses and soups and anything that adults eat. He has pretty much decided baby food is beneath him. (however, he still loves sweet potatoes).

He was dedicated last Sunday. His MiMi Debra had someone take pictures so I need to get those from her so I can post them. He did great and didn't cry or anything!

Tobey is on his third round of antibiotics. He has some kind of skin infection that he keeps licking and he has had it for about 3 months. Poor guy! He also has some sort of "disease" that cuts off the blood circulation at the tips of his ears????? It makes the hair fall off and the edges of his ears look jagged. He whimpers sometimes. I hate it!

Zach will be the next in line for some work done. He has a knot on his back between his shoulder blades. With our history of pups and knots...well, it ends up being tumors of some sort. He is 6.5 years old. To me he seems like a puppy but it breaks my heart to think he is getting older. So, he will be going to the vet soon to PROBABLY get the tumor removed...we know the drill.

Dexter is warming up to D. He hasn't barked at him in awhile. D LOVES Dexter. Mom has been getting him to say DEX-ter ~emphasis on DEX. LOL, He goes to the sliding glass doors and yells "DEEEEEsss-Deeeeer"....meaning Dexter. SO cute. Poor Dex is like...I DON'T LIKE YOU...quit calling me!!! :-)

I am doing Weight Watchers. When your brother says, "Dawson, your momma is getting chubby"...well, it is time to do something, I guess. I have been on it a week and no change so far, but I am ready to get this weight off.

It seems so strange to come home to an empty house. It is awfully quiet around here. I have to remind myself that D is in the other room and that I have full responsibility of D. I did meet with my lawyer today and there is one more piece of documentation to sign and then the divorce will be final on October 23 or 24. I really can't believe it. It seems like the last 7 years never happened. I am heartbroken and angry and just want answers...however, I know I won't ever get the answers I need. I'm vague...sorry. My name will go back to my maiden name too. I know this is the right thing to do. D doesn't know any different. He thinks daddy coming over every few days is his "norm" so that is one good thing. The dogs seem depressed at times. They love M and they go nuts when he comes over.

I try not focus on what is to come. I am terrified to "start over". I don't want to start over.

I am focusing on D's first birthday that is coming up in a few weeks. I CANNOT believe it! He is going to be ONE! ONE! Our theme is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and I cannot wait to see his little face when he plays with all of his new.....boxes and wrapping paper. lol. Everything is falling into place.

Here is some new pictures...he is growing up so fast...

How life has changed...

2011-09-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

You go through life in a zone and you don't realize the "zone" until you are out of it?

You go through a time in your life that is so much fun. I remember going through a time where a group of friends and I would hang out every weekend and we would laugh and goof and do fun crazy things and I never really thought about that "time" until it was over. Paradise was lost.

I also have daydreamed about how my life would be at this point and time in my life. Happily married with kiddos...the option to work or not to work...me being a teeny tiny size 2 (ok, I'm stretching it). But, in my mind's eye I NEVER would have daydreamed my life as I know it. I am going on five months of separation and there has not been any hope of reconciliation...effort is a better word. I'm at a cross road.

My heart breaks at the thought of divorce, but I see no other option. D will be a statistic and THAT breaks my heart. I wanted D to see his mom and dad wake up together to love each other to walk behind him holding hands...but now he sees dad a few times a week and he never sees us together besides playing with him.

Dreams are crushed and my heart truly aches. I know what is right and what is wrong and I have to go with what I feel is right for me and for D. Nothing else matters except that little boy and his well being.

I have decided to put my big girl panties on and start working on what's best for us. I am trying out a new church tomorrow and I pray that it is all that I hope it will be. I have heard some great things about it and it has been on my heart to visit for almost three months...so I guess it is time.

I need to post some pictures of D. He is getting so big. He is saying so many new things "Uh Oh" and "Pa-Pa-Pa"...getting close to Paw-Paw...that will be fun. He says Bye Bye but he doesn't quite get what the meaning is. Anyway, little man is asleep so I am going to take advantage of it and get some rest myself!!!

Pray for me as I try this new church out - Pray it is exactly what I need and what D needs to start this new chapter in our lives.

Ungodly amounts of....

2011-09-16T13:35:00.000-05:00

Chocolate. I have been eating ungodly amounts of chocolate. I do not even want it but, oh my, it just feels good to stuff my face with it. I guess comfort food?

It has been a little stressful in my head lately. Lots of decisions to make and not enough prozac to calm me down...I jest but I'm also serious.

Work has been insane and I am off for the next couple of days. I have dropped Dawson off at J's and then I have been taking 3-4 hour naps....

Nothing else is going on besides a growing boy....

Just like yesterday....

2011-08-31T22:11:00.000-05:00

It feels like it was just yesterday when I woke up full of hope that the baby I was carrying could make it to full term...

Only to be squashed because I began spotting the morning of my doctor's appointment. Sadly enough, I went alone and faced the horrible news of "we can't find a heart beat". I struggled to keep my composure. Dr. B was so very nice and understanding. He escorted me down the hall and into his office and tried to best explain away what happened. All I kept hearing was "no heartbeat"..."no baby"...My heart was broken. My body was betraying me because my hormone levels were style "high" enough to be considered pregnant even though there was "no heartbeat". I still had nausea and other symptoms and it felt like a cruel joke my body was playing on me.

I went home devastated. I remember curling in a ball on the bed and just losing it. I cried and cried and cried. I consoled myself and bravely got up the next day to "repeat" the previous day. Dr. B had to do more tests to MAKE SURE there was not a heartbeat. It was so very disheartening to see the painfully still ultrasound screen and hearing Dr. B say...no, we still cannot find a heartbeat. I tried to soak in that little screen...the black and white picture of my little one who I will never get to hold and love and kiss this side of heaven. I asked Dr. B if he could take pictures and he said certainly...I have five little ultrasound pictures left of my first little angel.

I do have my little man now...but my heart will always ache for and yearn for that first little one too. It just seems so unfair looking back.

However, tomorrow I will celebrate both my babies tomorrow...Baby #1 and Baby D...they are both my angels.

It's been awhile...

2011-08-27T16:46:00.000-05:00

I hadn't realize how long it had been since I have blogged! Geez! My hands have been full since I have a mobile speedster.

I also have been behind on my updates about D. He is almost ten months old. TEN! He has been a little sickly the last few weeks. We thought we were getting another ear infection but it was a fever virus. D woke up last Tuesday morning at 2 am with 101.6 fever. It seesawed from 101.6 to 103.2 ALL WEEK. It finally broke on Friday.

On Tuesday (perfect timing) we had our nine month check up so he was able to be checked for the fever too. They found nothing but just a fever!

He is 21 lbs and 3 oz and 28 3/4 inches long...he is in the 50% range...and I thought he was big...however, they checked his head and it was 19 inches...lol. THAT, however, is in the 98% range. It scared me at first because she took it twice to make sure...however, she said, he is developing normally and he just has a big head. Nice...that just means he has more brains in there to be SMART! :-)

Here are some pics:

D's first trip to the mall...he sat like this the whole time. LOL. It was like he was saying "Sup, dude" We went shopping for him to get some shoes! Look at those massive feet! He wears 4.5W!!!

D and the beautiful Channing B. He LOVED Aunt Channing. Aunt Patti (Channing's mom) was taking the picture. He was so happy that day!

My little Mickey Blue Eyes. We were at the Toyota dealership in Conway taking pictures of Team Toyota for our Bike MS event. I had to take D with me and why not take pictures of my most favorite subject? :-)

There was a really good reason why D was just in a diaper...I can't remember why now, but he was wiped out from playing so hard at Nonna's house. I thought this was cute cause in this picture he has man boobs. :-) He will kill me for that when he is older.

All the boys were outside and D was watching them. It was so cute. He now talks to them through the door and stands up and beats on the door. HE HE HE.

#1, His T-shirt says " Sorry Girls, I only date models". LOL. And, #2) his hair is so long now that he wakes up with it all over the place. This was a morning we were running late and I had to wet it really quick..so it looks like he has a comb over.

LOL, not the best picture but it shows his hair after a bath! He has a ton of it. It is darker brown on the ends and at the roots it is WHITE. It looks like it is frosted. I don't want to cute it but I think we are going to have to. :-( It will be WHITE one day.

He was so sick and he wanted his regular pacifier. He kept handing this one back... :-( He likes what he likes when he likes it...sweet boy.

I got scared there for a bit. He got up at 5 am like three mornings straight. This was him at 5 am one day. Playing and watching Disney.

70,000

2011-08-18T19:50:00.000-05:00

We hit 70,000 views tonight. I can't believe it! Thank you all for following Dawson's journey to get here!! I will post more later! Happy 70,000!

Frumpy

2011-08-05T12:56:00.001-05:00

I feel completely frumpy. Frumpy. Yes, Frumpy. I've never been a "sharp" dresser or a someone who was much of a trendsetter. Even if I had stylish clothes, I never felt I "looked" good in them. I always felt (and still do feel) that I'm trying too hard and I look stupid in them.

Even in school, I would do stupid crazy idiotic stuff like get yellow hightop Reebok's or wear two different colored socks or put my bangs up in a tiny fountain pony tail on my head just to be different so people wouldn't look at ME the REAL me. My friends made fun of me and the pony tail on my head - my teacher, Mrs. Holliman, actually made a little bird and she attached the bird on top of the fountain with a paper clip (like a bird bath). Yes, I would go out of my way to keep people's eyes off of me....you know, the REAL me.

Boy, I am digging deep today.

Growing up I was pretty tomboyish though I secretly wanted to be dainty and girly. I wanted boys to see me as someone they wanted to protect not someone they wanted to tackle and play rough with. Well, I was always more boyish than girly so why not play the part? I especially remember one day in the fifth grade that I wanted my hair to look like a certain way...in a good way not a "put a bird in my fountain" way...and it turned out to be a disaster. I parted and combed my hair over to one side thinking it would look cute. My hair was and is VERY fine and it did not stay styled well AT ALL. So, I had to plaster it with hair spray to make it stay. By first recess, it was looking horrible and coming "unstyled" and the massive amounts of hairspray made it look greasy. Yuck, I remember going into the bathroom and just wanting to go home sick because it looked so bad. So much for me trying to style it! I don't remember anyone saying anything or making fun of me but I saw me for what I truly looked like and it looked HORRID!

I remember another time when I was in the 8th grade at an away basketball game. Our junior high girls and boys had already played and we were up in the stands watching the senior girls play. Somehow the 9th grade boys sitting in front of me starting talking about my cousin who was a senior and about how good looking she was (she was playing ball on the court). (Now, these guys were friends and are still friends with me today and I truly believe they didn't mean this ugly or hateful...it was just said in a matter of fact way). They started making fun of girls with mustaches...well, I had one but it was blonde but if you looked real close you could tell I had a nice one....well, they pointed out my mustache (probably because they were jealous they couldn't grow one that thick) and started making fun of me...well, I blurted out...well, my cousin has one! And, they said and I quote..."Yeah, but she's gorgeous!". Ouch.

So, not only could I not style my hair....I was now "NOT gorgeous". Sigh...let me get a tissue. No, I am resigned to the fact that I was never the first, second or even third person a guy looked at. The only thing I really had going for me was that I had somewhat of a personality (not the best one but I could at least carry on a conversation)...however, I don't have much personality these days.

The only time I truly felt beautiful in this entire world was when I was 30+ weeks pregnant. For those 9 weeks before Dawson was born...I felt like a rock star. Don't ask me why. I don't know if it was the cute maternity clothes I had? Or just that I had an amazing miracle inside of me and nothing else mattered? IDK.

So, to date I have gained my weight back from having D (yes I was down 20+ pounds pre-D after D was born)....I'm trying to make myself look better and I see all these cute clothes and styles and cute figures and well, here I stand the frumpy one. So, I crack jokes and talk about my big arms and wide flat butt and triple chins just to let people know that I am fully aware of how I look...does that make sense? To me, there is nothing more embarrassing than thinking something about yourself and you have totally missed the mark...ya know? Feeling like you look like a rock star and you really look like a big gray frumpy rock....ya know?

Anyway, I am in a weird stage in my life...feeling horrible about myself and feeling very frumpy and dowdy and drab. Did that help the demise of my marriage? Was I just not what a man wanted? One thing "he" would always say to me was "you are beautiful to me"...I wanted him to say "Lisa, you are beautiful period!"...not "I'm sorry, but all my friends and family and the world thinks you are really plain jane ugly, but TO ME you are beautiful". I don't know, I just didn't want to hear that.

So, this post is going nowhere besides me wanting to go home and crawl in bed.

I want D to be proud of his mom and not embarrassed of her. I want him to look back in pictures and say "wow, mom you were and are still pretty!!". I avoid pictures at all cost. I really truly have the figure of a weeble wobble! Seriously! I need a tummy tuck and the fat suctioned out of my butt, arms and under my chin....I type this as I eat junk food for lunch...

Such a vicious cycle. Anyway...have a nice day!!! LOL.

Nine months old today...

2011-08-04T12:33:00.000-05:00

My little man is nine months old today. NINE! He just started crawling forward on Tuesday. He would crawl sideways and would roll over and sit on his bottom and roll over and sit on his bottom until he got where he wanted to go. He is standing up everywhere. His little legs are wobbly but he is getting the hang of balancing his weight on his HUGE feet.

He waves bye bye, gives me wet, slobbery WONDERFUL kisses, says Mumma, Da-da, Nana, Nonnie, Ya Ya, Ga Ga and now he has decided he knows how to blow spit (or food) out of his mouth (and laugh). He smiles ALL the time and "argues" with you. He will say Da Da Da and I will say Ma Ma Ma and he will get louder and say DA DA DA DA! We can go on for hours. :-) He also knows how to roll a ball back and forth to daddy and shake his head "no"...that in itself is hilarious...he will shake his head so hard he will get off balance. HA!

He is slowly weaning off his pacy (by himself). He likes it when he goes to bed but is pretty satisfied during the day without it. He is just now getting used to a sippy cup...he doesn't like any type juice except ORANGE juice...go figure. He only gets that once a week or so.

D is in 18-24 month clothes and we have to get 4-5 W in shoes. He is also over 21 lbs.

He loves to be the center of attention. He laughs and grunts and growls to get people's attention in waiting rooms or in restaurants...he is SO funny.

He is also really sweet hearted. My favorite is when he grabs my face (both hands on my cheeks) and kisses me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

He loves ceiling fan chains. He has been grabbing them since he was six months (when we hold him up) and he will turn the light on and off and off and on! D loves anything electronic...iPhone, remote control, etc.

His favorite TV shows are Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Agent Oso and Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Those three get his attention.

He loves the outdoors and is amazed at the sky and trees. He just looks around and takes it all in. His brothers are GREAT protectors and D LOVES them. Their barking. licking and "bothering" doesn't bother him a bit. He just smiles at them and pets them. We are teaching him to be "easy" with them. Tobey is the only one that will sit there and take it. Last night D leaned over and kissed Tobey's back (before I could tell him no)...gross. He loves Tobey.

Usually, D goes to be around 8:30 and wakes up at 7 am. He LOVES his Nonnie (Johnette) and all the kiddos she keeps. He adores kids and wants to be down right in the middle of them.

He is just a wonderful little person...sweet and adorable...and dimpled...and loving...and so not fussy...always good natured and laughing and smiling.

I love that kid so much. He means more to me than I can even begin to describe. I am so blessed to have this little creature in my life and be there to watch him grow and learn and love. Thank you, D. I love you!

Fridays

2011-07-29T15:33:00.000-05:00

Work has been so productive. I am pleased with the progress this week.

D is still not crawling. He just scoots backwards and rolls where he wants to go. We lowered his bed last night so he wouldn't tumble out since he has decided he likes to pull up on things! His mobility has happened so fast! I can't believe it!

He LOVES to clap and jump. He claps at everything and everything is funny. He is such a good eater and now in the evening eats up to THREE baby foods (2nd foods)! He has begun to eat a little off the table. D will eat mashed potatoes and he loves sweets (Twinkies, whip cream, etc.). He is just so darn cute. :-)

D is beginning to really like his bath time. Since he can sit up and play all at the same time...he just is all over the garden tub. It cracks me up. I filled it up a little too high the other night and every time he would reach for something he would almost float away. HA! Don't worry, the tub has a built in seat off the side so i can sit in there with him while he bathes. :-)

I think he is finally over his cold. He pulls on his ears a little still but not much. His nose runs a bit still too but all in all he feels a lot better. The kid LOVES the outdoors and I think he is accidentally getting a tan. Of course, I cannot tan (I am soooo fair skinned) so I guess he is getting some sun just by walking to the car and back. LOL. Glad he got his dad's skin.

I did buy a little pool for him and I want to put him in it with his swimming trucks to see what he thinks...maybe this afternoon. I want to take some pictures of him and see if I can capture some cute ones :-) New hobby I guess.

Anyway - that's about it. Have a wonderful weekend and hopefully I can post pictures soon!

I am sleepy...

2011-07-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

I cannot keep my eyes open today. Looks like I am going to have to go and take a drive at lunch. Baby food and formula and Chick-fil-a are on the top of my priority list.

I have so much to do at work...I am being productive though. I just gotta jump start my system somehow...the eyes are slowing closing and crossing...doesn't make a very focused computer screen.

Ear Infection...

2011-07-19T23:03:00.000-05:00

My sweet D has his first round of ear infections. He has been a miserable little guy since Friday of last week. He has just broken my heart! I thought he was getting better today but he came home and was just fussy and pitiful. Pray that he gets over it SOON! (BTW, he gave it to mommy...my throat is killing me).

He is growing up SO fast. Just this week he has just really turned into a little boy. I just can't get over it. I think about when he gets into another stage (such as crawling, walking, talking, etc) and it makes me miss his newborn stage, etc and I think I will never like his "next" stage as much as I like his past or current stage...does that make sense? Well, I adore each stage MORE than the one before. I do miss his newborn stage. He would just snuggle with me all day during my maternity leave. We just had mommy and D time all day long for three months.

Now he is just Mr. Independent!! He plays on his own. He says "Mumma", "Dada", "NanNa". He claps and grins and is just my little man.

The boys and D get along so well. Zach loves to lick his feet...that is the only way Z will get close to D. D gets a little excited and grabs ears or tails. Tobey is the only one who will just sit there and take it. I am trying to teach D to "be EASY with the puppies". It is so cute though because Z will walk in the room and D will just smile!!! I haven't really mentioned Dexter. Dexter could really care less. He walks by him and is like "humph, I don't know what all the fuss is about"...

Life is truly different for me now. I am trying to get settled and it is so weird to be here by myself. I know I am doing the right thing but never would I have thought I would be here. I wish I could pour my heart out on this page but that would not be fair or be of the best interest of my family right now. I just ask that you pray for me for guidance and revelation and pray for D that he will be well rounded and know how much he is loved by both me and by his dad. I don't know where M and I stand. So pray that we will both be at peace at what happens. I am in the driver's seat and it stinks. I know I made the right decision but it is still very hard.

NaNaNaNa

2011-07-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight's post will be random. D is loving saying "NANANANANANANANANA". He also switches that with "DADADADADADADA" and only says "MUUUUUMA" when he doesn't feel good or just really wants me. Guess that should make me feel better...

My friend, F, told me today that we were older than Justin Bieber's mom. Yikes. That puts things in perspective. I was like gee thanks. F and I are going to go tomorrow and be trained to judge Miss Arkansas prelims. F was in all kinds of pageants and was in Miss Arkansas several times and was one of the entertainers one year. I was always in the crowd cheering her on...Pageants aren't my favorite thing (so I'm glad I have a boy :-), but we are going to do this together and hopefully have a little fun while we do it.

Ummm, nothing much else going on. Hopefully the weekend will go over uneventful and I can rest a little after the Miss A thing tomorrow morning.

I did read "'IF' I did It" by OJ Simpson. Yes, I did. I read it. It was very interesting. It was an easy read and you KNOW he did it...they're no "IF's" about it.

I want to get the Jaycee Dugard book. I've been dying to get it. I just have been too lazy to go to the book store. Maybe I can go tomorrow and get it.

Ummm...what else. D weights 22 lbs! And, he had fever tonight of 100 degrees F. :-( Poor guy. He has a runny nose, too. I hope it doesn't turn into a bad cold.

Just a few pictures

2011-07-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

D is becoming a cheese head :-) He is so funny. His little personality is coming out. I love seeing him grow and learning new stuff each day. He is my little ham!!

D's first lawnmower ride...

2011-07-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

D LOVED riding on the lawnmower. We had to peel him away from dad. He loves his PawPaw. He wanted to drive! Dad has a big tractor that is enclosed and has air/heat, etc...but he was on the smaller mower for my back yard. :-) I have a feeling he will become PawPaw's buddy more and more.

Anyway, I wanted to share D's first tractor ride experience!

All three dogs are going to the vet tomorrow...$10 bucks says we won't come out of that vet's office without something wrong with at least one of the dogs :-( Poor babies. My pillow is calling my name...I'm about to go lay my head on it to shut it up...good night!

Can't. Stop. Eating.

2011-07-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

It's disgusting. So much for only gaining seven pounds with Dawson. I am almost back up to what I weighed when I got pregnant...meaning I have gained TWENTY pounds since December when I was at my lowest weight!

I know how to lose weight. It is a lifestyle change...crash diets won't work, etc. I KNOW that, but, I am lazy. I bought the Jillian Michaels' 14 day Cleanse and Burn. The cleanse part will probably help me lose 15 lbs. I am not very regular...however, I am sure I will be using some of D's desitin because I will be raw. I'll let you know how it goes...ha!

8th month pictures

2011-07-06T21:07:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures I took...

New look for now...

2011-07-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

I have changed the look of the blog for now. I am thinking of trying to get something customized...we shall see. Right now, this is decent enough for me.

D is now eight months old. He is growing like a weed and actually has started pitching a couple of fits. Mom and dad were keeping him one night and he threw a huge fit when dad was holding him and this was the conversation:

Dad: Dawson is pitching a fit, come spank him!
Mom: No, YOU spank him!
Dad: (pause) We'll let Lisa handle it.

Thanks guys! Mom is teaching him to shake his head no (which is sort of cute ~for now~). He also claps all the time and flirts with everyone! He LOVES kids and he LOVES his brothers (Zach, Dexter & Tobey). He sits up on his own and he is great with pacifying himself with toys and even while trying to go to sleep. He loves the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and he stops EVERYTHING when he hears "Oh, Toodles!!!" He has the funniest facial expressions. When the dogs bark he lowers his eyebrows as to say "Boys, you are too loud!". It is cute.

Here are some pictures of him. I took some better ones on my real camera that I will post later.

TMI

2011-06-27T23:27:00.001-05:00

If you have read this blog from the beginning you know that TMI doesn't exist...I will tell all and show all...lol.

OK, this is sort of gross, but I am in AWE! I have a few skin tags. LOL, yes, skin tags. So, one showed up in the crease of my leg (right on my underwear elastic line) during pregnancy and the hormones fed that baby and it grew HUGE! It looked disgusting and I just couldn't believe how big it was! I was embarrassed to go to a dermatologist or my OB/GYN so I watched a Dr. Oz show during maternity leave on home remedies of removing skin tags...so I tried it last Thursday...

AND IT WORKED! The home remedy was to tie a piece of dental floss as close to the "root" of the skin tag and get it as tight as possible. The purpose is to cut off the blood supply to it. I worried about it getting infected, etc. Well, tonight the elastic snagged the skin tag and it felt like someone pinched me. I looked down at the skin tag area and the skin seriously plopped to the ground. It almost made me puke. Seriously. It looked like a raisin. Yeah, it did. Good thing I hate raisins.

OK, yeah, that was a gross admission. Sorry. But, now I am free of that skin tag! I know it works!!! YAY!

Anyway, I look forward to the long weekend. I believe I am going to take Thursday off and I am already off Friday and Monday...so I think I am just going to make it a long long weekend. I still need to unpack more...but I feel like I am getting into some sort of new routine at our new place.

D is teething like crazy. He has four teeth in (three on the bottom and one on the top). At night they really bother him and he just cries and cries (so very unusual...this baby NEVER cries..like EVER). Breaks my heart.

He started clapping on Saturday! He claps all the time now...especially after every bite of baby food! LOL, it is pretty funny...we say YAY after every bite and he claps :-) He is so dang cute.

So big...

2011-06-24T12:37:00.000-05:00

Mom has been helping me unpack. So, she got into D's room and started sorting out his clothes to see what fit and what didn't. She had MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of clothes. It's insane how many clothes he has - many that he has NEVER worn!

What we ended up with was about 12-15 outfits that he can wear. He had NOTHING to sleep in or anything! So, I had to go out and buy ~pretty much~ an entire new wardrobe of 18 month sizes. YES, this little eight month old is in 18 month clothes! I just can't believe it! Here he is in his little froggie PJ's. The little pants are stitched like boxers. I LOVE THEM! Sweet boy!

Pictures

2011-06-22T15:36:00.000-05:00

I just love this picture.

He gives me kisses now. He will open his mouth wide and just tongue the mess out of me. I guess he thinks I am a version of his pacy! :-) (Dawson, don't be embarrassed if you read this when you are 16..mommy LOVED your wet, slobbery kisses!). He also holds each side of my face when he kisses me.

He just is so darn cute. I love this kid so much!

We are still trying to settle into our new routine. I am trying to help mom unpack and put things in places. She has done the majority of the unpacking ~thank you, mom~. I am going to try to go through the rest over the next two weekends and see what I can accomplish. D, the boys and I have managed to make it as homey as possible and we have adjusted fairly well. I think as soon as we have everything in a place it will feel complete. I am going to stop talking now...I am stating the obvious. lol.

Have a great Wednesday everyone.

Thank you...

2011-05-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say thank you for all the sweet emails I received from my last post. Some shared similiar circumstances and it just made me feel so much better...

Thank you...and I love you all...

Challenging Times..

2011-05-11T10:06:00.000-05:00

Being vague...I have some challenging times ahead. It's not going to an easy road nor has it been. Never in my life did I think I'd be here.

Matt and I are separating for a time. Yes, I said it. I am not going into details but we are. It has been hard and it has been devastating. It was my choice. Don't judge me. You don't know the circumstances.

Life is tough. Marriage is tough. Please pray for God's direction for us.

My first Mother's Day...

2011-05-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

My first Mother's Day, D-man let me sleep until 8. :-) I woke up and I could see him looking at me between the bars just watching me. What a wonderful sight to wake up to! Man, I love this kid.

We went to church and the first time I got to stand to be recognized as a mommy. I have always resented Mother's Day (unfortunately) because it felt so shameful and sad for me to have to keep my seat when hearing, "All moms stand and be recognized". I felt sad and dejected, but today, by God's grace, I was able to stand and be called a mom.

I will post pictures later. I got a beautiful necklace and earrings with D's birthstone and a cute book mark from D :-).

Happy Mother's Day to all my friends. I am also praying for all who desire to be a mom. I understand the difficulty and the sadness this days brings for so many. I pray that God would give you the desires of your heart.

Nothing exciting...

2011-05-03T17:10:00.000-05:00

Nothing amazingly exciting happening in my world. I have finished my walk season and am trying to begin the wrap up portion. I have a lot of planning to do for work and I am anxious to get that going. I am thrilled that I have a new assistant that will be working with me and she is awesome. I know we will work well together and do some great things...

D is getting so big. He will be SIX months old tomorrow!!!! HALF A YEAR! WHAT? He is so big...I think he is over 18 lbs at the moment...his six month appointment is this week so I'll know specifics later.

He is giggling all the time and growling. He loves to hear himself. He LOVES his jumpy toys and just jumps and jumps and jumps. He is inquisitive too. If we walk into a new place he just looks around and soaks it all in. He loves to pinch faces...lol. Nana is letting him get away with that. He is ticklish on his sternum...he he he. He gets so tickled. When he is trying to go to sleep he has to have something over his eyes...his arm or his silky or just a plain ol' blanket. He cracks me up.

He LOVES to eat. He loves his cereal with applesauce, bananas or peaches. He ADORES sweet potatoes and corn. Carrots are a close second. He doesn't really care much for the "green" veggies yet but we are still not counting them out.

I may be predicting that he will be a lefty. He uses his left hand pretty dominantly. His grandpappy (Matt's dad) is a lefty...I don't know if that is hereditary or not?

Anyway...that's whats happening in our neck of the woods...

Our First Easter...

2011-04-25T13:30:00.001-05:00

Here are D's first Easter pictures. His Nazi Nana got his Easter outfit. I wasn't too appreciative of her "traditional" pick, but it grew on me, especially when D was in it. It turned out cute...sorry, Mom, I made fun of you and turned my nose up at it :-( I did, however, say no to the knee socks. :-)

I'm just an all around sweet and happy boy!

I'm laughing at my Nana...she's pretty cool...

I know it's a pink pig but I collected pigs growing up and thought it fit for us. Also, the "Love you Forever" book was more of my gift to myself even though it is in his basket. D got a piggy, bunny, foot ball, several books, crocks, a couple of outfits and another bunny!

"Oh my gosh!" I'm so overwhelmed! Thank you, Mommy!!!

MORE PRESENTS!

Who's going to be the next NCAA All American AND Academic All American Football player!!!?

Ok, I am pooped. Easter is a tiring! Look at those chubby feet!!! He still had his piggy :-)

How I de-stress...

2011-04-19T16:17:00.000-05:00

It's hard...

2011-04-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

It's hard to blog and not blog about things that make people mad or are controversial or about family or about work or about anything that could upset anyone.

My wise momma once told me that once you write it down it is down for good. So, I just wanted to randomly and vaguely vent for one second. Vent...vent...VENT VENT VENT.

First TOOTH!

2011-04-18T10:41:00.000-05:00

We have been trying to get our first tooth in for a few weeks now...and it FINALLY broke through on April 14 :-) It is his front bottom one on the left (if you are looking at him). I CAN'T believe it!

This will be a quick post. I will post a picture of it later (mom said not to because we were holding his lips down and she said it looked like child abuse :-) ha.

It's a Monday...

2011-04-11T16:47:00.000-05:00

It's a Monday and I have been VERY productive. I still have a BUTT LOAD to do but I feel I got some good stuff marked off my to do list.

D rolled over for the first time this weekend! FINALLY but sort of...he rolls on his side but not all the way over on his belly. He will roll to his side all day long. Well, I rolled him on his side and he finished the job with rolling on his tummy. So...I'd say that is rolling over! :-)

He also loves his jumpy things. He will just jump and jump and jump and jump! He is so stinking cute.

I have a road trip tomorrow. Got a lot to do between now and then (like my taxes!!!)...but all in all I am working my way down my list...and my list is pretty darn long.

Anyway....just wanted to say hi. I am feeling pretty good today.

I am officially not breastfeeding anymore. I am really sad but the decision helped my feelings. I am not producing milk hardly at all (nothing in my right side) but it isn't worth trying to feed D and then have to stop in the middle of feeding and make a bottle because he isn't getting enough.

Also, he has been eating baby foods...he LOVES bananas, carrots & sweet potatoes. He doesn't like peaches, pears or apples? I hope he likes good food!

OK - enough of the chit chat random stuff. I gotta get rolling.

Contemplating...

2011-04-06T01:31:00.000-05:00

Life never happens they way you expect it to or how you think it will turn out. Never. I'm learning that the hard way.

I used to think I was fearless...but I'm not. Life used to be so much simpler...but it isn't. Life isn't turning out the way I had pictured or planned. I am struggling with many things. I am struggling with "life after infertility". I am struggling with life period. Things are really complicated right now and my only constant and my only "light" in this dark world is D. I see his smiling face and he makes me want to do better and to be stronger.

To be a little transparent and vague, our marriage has been very difficult and complicated the last year. I have found a counselor that I am going to go see. I'm finding it difficult to sort through my thoughts and feelings and I really need a third party to do that. I HATE things that I cannot change and right now there is a lot of unrest and anger and bitterness and hatred flowing through me. I don't like the "ME" that I have become or the circumstances that I have allowed me to get where I am. I have become cynical and jaded and I never thought I would be the person I am now.

I am so thankful for D and so thankful for that little gummy grin and deep belly laugh giggle he gives me. I love the joy he brings to me and to my life. I am terrified to think of where I would be if I had not had the opportunity to have D and that third round of IVF didn't take. I am truly terrified. D has gotten me through the last year and a half and I know God knew I needed him.

I have been contemplating writing a book. I don't know who would read it but believe you me I have enough content to connect with a lot of folks out there even beyond the fertility world. I want to tell my story but I would have to really divulge many things and I am not ready for that...and do I want D to one day read it? I am praying about it and praying about our future.

God is definitely speaking to me but with all the "noise" in my life I cannot for the life of me hear him. I don't know how to turn off all the noise. I am slammed with work right now and for the first time in a long time am completely and utterly overwhelmed at what's to come.

I feel so torn...wanting and hoping for a future but dreading it in the same way. Yes, I am being vague. Sorry, I can't get into details. I am tired of being a decision maker. Life is HARD. I think every curve ball that life can throw has been thrown at me in the last year and a half. Literally. Dawson pushes me forward on this hard road...he deserves my best...and he will get it.

Baby #1 would have turned one today...

2011-04-05T10:17:00.000-05:00

Today would have been my first little one's first birthday. Makes me sad. I am so thankful for D and so blessed to have him but it doesn't diminish the fact that my first little one is gone.

Going to make it through this day and start again tomorrow.

too long...

2011-04-04T17:42:00.000-05:00

I feel so out of my blog world loop. I am taking a quick break from working and then plowing through for a couple of hours to get my to do list down to 100 things instead of 200. We'll see.

Dawson is FIVE months old today.

He is a smiley, happy, amazingly sweet little guy. He grins ALL the time. Flirts your head off. People just fall in love with him cause he flirts so much. Just seeing him interact with new people just makes me burst. He just grins and bats his eyes and gives this big gummy, toothless grin. His sugar bowls (aka, dimples) are just getting a work out.

He is getting so big. He still hasn't rolled over but he is getting close. He likes bananas and sweet potatoes but doesn't like peaches, pears or apple sauce. He is such a blessing and makes my heart burst...man, I love this kid.

The above picture is what I see every morning when I peek inside his crib...that big ol' smile. He has started to giggle and I canNOT get enough of him :-)

We are currently living with my parents. Yes, all six of us (Matt, D, me and the three furbabies). It has been an interesting time because we have run out of room and are living on top of each other. It has been great to have D so close to mom and dad AND to have the help during my busy season. During this time of year, I am used to working many late nights and without mom to help with D, I just don't know how I would get it all done.

One surprise about being "exhausted" during motherhood was not what I expected. I get more sleep now than I did BEFORE D. I sleep all night now whereas I was getting up every 45 minutes to either pee or turn over before. He is such a good sound sleeper and I get to sleep good with him! The exhaustion comes in because there is no "me" time...which I don't care for the "me" time right now...it is just that I have to be "on" all the time. D is usually my alarm clock so I have to juggle getting ready and getting him ready to go to J's and then I rush to work. Work has been interesting because I have to cram so much into an 8 hour day because I have to get home to D! D then has my focus until his bed time which ranges from 8:30 to 9 or so and then I am so tired from the day that I crash! I wouldn't change one thing about it though, but I expected to be tired because he didn't sleep at night...HOW BLESSED AM I!???

I look at him in his crib and see that giggly smiling face and I seriously want to just eat him up!

D eating cereal for the first time.

2011-03-22T16:34:00.000-05:00

Here is D eating cereal for the first time last night. He liked it!!!

More lunch therapy...

2011-03-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

My sweet Tobey is having surgery today to remove some kidney/bladder stones. I've already called the vet once and he was still being worked on. I pray they are able to remove them. He has been in such pain but he can never tell you...you know?

D is teething. He cries only just a few times a day but his bottom gums are extremely red and I hope they break soon. I am going to get some teething tabs today and we are also going to introduce rice cereal to him. My breast milk isn't cutting it...not even by a long shot. Makes me EXTREMELY sad but life is just life and we have to roll with the punches. I am going to pump once a day and try to feed him a little at night and in the morning and just taper off as he hits the six month mark. If I dry up before then then I dry up.

My SIL, Monica, came over on Saturday and we took some pics of D outside. I have a really nice camera but the good Lord knows it is more than I know what to do with. It will do many many things (I really need to take a class on it). Anyway, we tried our hand at some picture taking. My grandma has an older chair (that is retro now) that we took outside and used (she would KILL us if she knew)...but some of the 150 pictures I took turned out cute...here are a few...(btw, Aunt Monnie bought both outfits...she is such a good auntie)...

Did I tell you he is teething? LOL, AND this is in honor of March Madness...

Lunch Therapy...and D's 4 month check up...

2011-03-17T13:06:00.000-05:00

Life seems to be flying by these days. The cliche "Time flies when you are having fun" should really be "Time flies when you are really busy". It seems that weeks go by instead of days (like one day equals seven days).

D had his 4 month check up on Monday. He did really good. He seems to smile and talk the most when on a changing table (or the doctor's table). He just grinned and smiled and cooed. All went very well. He has yet to be sick and he weighs 16 lbs and 5 1/4 oz (63%) and was 25 inches long (33%). I don't think they stretched him out long enough and the doc even mentioned that he thought he was longer than that.

The doc asked if he was doing OK...cooing (yes)...talking (yes)...squealing (yes)...laughing (yes)...interacting (yes)...following you with his eyes (yes)...rolling over...I said, ummmm...that's a negative. I laughed and told the doc that he doesn't get put down long enough to learn to roll over. He just laughed at me and I guess we need to let him learn how to roll over.

D still sleeps all night and wakes up about once to have a "snack" and then his eyes pop open at 7 am on the dot EVERY morning. I HAVE to get up earlier!! I lay there for a few minutes praying he will fall back asleep but then he just starts talking and laughing and giggling and I have to pick him up.

Ummm....what else. We have an offer on the house and so far all is falling into place. We have had a few bumpy spots but I think it will work out. Our realtor has been great (Nathan Basinger, Legacy Realty in Conway). He has gone above and beyond to help us out. Our situation is unique and he has helped us. Please just pray that all goes well and we close on March 29th without having to pay! That has been the ultimate goal.

My infertile friends and I have been working on the Arkansas Fertility Support Group (AFSG). Our first meeting will be May 2. We will meet on the first Monday of each month. I am excited because there seems to be true interest!!! If you are in the central Arkansas area and want to attend...let me know! We are still ironing out details.

I am debating on quiting breast feeding. I am just not producing enough milk to keep up with him and it makes me extremely sad. I have been mixing 2 oz of formula with 4 oz of my milk to try to keep up. I think I am about 16 oz ahead of him right now. Which stinks. I want so bad to continue to breast feed. I don't know whether to quit altogether or just keep pumping and add a little of my breast milk to his formula. If I could just make a decision and not beat myself up about it I think I'd feel so much better. (duh)

Work has been insane. There are not enough hours in the day right now for me. This is the first time that I have had to juggle event season with a new baby and it is extremely difficult. I travel the state with my job and some nights I just get to see him asleep...which hurts my heart so bad. I know it will calm down in May but I feel I will miss an entire 6 weeks of his life. I leave at five pm each day and try not to think about work (which is a 180 from what I'm used to) when I get home. I only get a few precious hours of the day with him and I have to think about the quality not quantity!!

OH, and, I want another baby. I think I am addicted to being pregnant. Even though I was sick and had gestational diabetes and PUPPPs and you name it. I MISS having that life inside me. I pray that one day we can have another one. I look at D and think...he would be such a good big brother. I don't know if it is hokey or not but I still feel that there will be a Malia Grace somewhere in our lives. I certainly pray there is.

Anyway...that's about it. I needed some blogging therapy and I think I have had my say.

Please continue to pray. I have many needs that I will not mention...God knows...so just say "It's for Lisa"...He'll know :-) Thanks.

Nothing new...

2011-03-13T04:36:00.000-05:00

There is nothing new to really post about. D is getting big and giggling out loud and is just darn good. I am blessed.

We went to a friend's wedding today and he was great. We did have a major blow out in his diaper and had to change back in his PJs. :-( A good friend of mine's son was there and we were sitting beside them and (the poor little guy) now is in the ER with 105 fever. They are thinking strep or flu. Please pray for baby T and please pray that D doesn't catch it.

We have had an offer on the house for about a week now. We have been excited until this week. The inspector came back and said we had to replace our air unit. ($2600+) Something to do with new government regulations. The house is only 6 years old...seriously. I am so mad about it all. We need so badly to rid ourselves of the house and quickly (since we aren't actually living there full time) and this is a pretty big speed bump. Please pray that something happens different. This lady is getting a STEAL of a deal on our house and us replacing a perfectly good air unit just stinks to high heaven.

We stopped by today after the wedding (my first time back to the house since I started back to work (six weeks ago). It made me really sad. I really like our house. I just wish it was were we are now. I know life moves on and things change but that was our first house and D's room was all done and ugh. I hate change. I have this weird thing that inanimate objects have feelings. Like when I get a new car...my old car is like "well, I treated you so well...and now you are getting rid of me?" My house has so many memories and I just feel like I am abandoning it. Weird, I know. I know a house or a car has no feelings.

It is early in the morning. I am going to go back to sleep. D woke up (rarely and barely) and was hungry. I fed him a little snack and he is back asleep. I got too hot so I am trying to cool down.

I will post a video of his giggling tomorrow. He is such a blessing. I know that I probably "over" talk about him...but he is my miracle and my life now. I want to be a voice about infertility and a voice that it can work and a voice that God's plans can work!

Hiya...

2011-03-10T13:21:00.000-06:00

I'm at home today from work. I dropped D off at J's and headed in and then called the vet to make an appointment for Tobey. He has had kidney stones since this summer and to make a long story short...they have gotten worse. The vet said they had an opening at 11 today and I was like OK. Logistically it was going to be challenging (the vet is halfway between work and home)...so I would have to take him to the vet drop him back home and go all the way back to work. So...they called back and I was able to get him in at 9 instead. By the time I got back home it was "too" late to go into work and be productive so I decided to stay at mom and dad's with the pups and help clean.

Anyway, he has more kidney stones and will have to have surgery March 21st. I have to watch when he pee pees because one stone is close to lodging itself to completely block his "tube". Anyway...poor baby. Here is a picture of him in my lap after they ran some tests...

Anyway, I am home now and I am catching up on some blogging. I'm going to "blog" in pictures today, I think...

We got the cutest outfits at Old Navy this weekend. He is growing so much. He does more "talking" on his changing table than anywhere else. He has learned the sounds "ka", "da", "er" and mom heard "ma" so hopefully "Momma" will be his first word.

D has also started to open his mouth when he comes close to your face. He is probably too young to give "kisses" but this is what we do when we give kisses.

He loves to have his feet in the air.

I call him "Mickey Blue Eyes". Sweet boy. Makes me want to pinch his little cheeks

If anyone can read Zach's thoughts..."Man, I haven't had the camera pointed in MY direction in awhile...wonder what the occasion is...geez...is Lil Brother out of the room or something???"

D makes the craziest faces. Sometimes he frowns and this one he is like "another picture, really?"

What he does best...smiling! He was in his big boy crib :-) He lays there and grins at the football/baseball mobile above his head.

This was his first night in his big boy bed :-) He liked it.

Momma's sweet boy.

Daddy is changing his diaper and he is laughing at him. See below.

Yes, Matt DOES change diapers...when asked.

BA-LAH

2011-03-07T16:53:00.000-06:00

Forgive me, for this black cloud is still lingering around me.

I've been toying with changing the name of the blog "babies for the browns"...but I want more. I don't want this journey to be done with. I look at Dawson and I want him to be big brother. Life after infertility isn't all roses and rainbows.

K & A and I are meeting tomorrow to start an infertility support group in Central Arkansas for those who need it. I am excited about getting something started so we can really start making a difference. I'll keep you posted. If you live in this area...and are interested...just email me.

I'm tired...randomness

2011-03-07T16:28:00.000-06:00

Dawson is sleeping like a champ and always has been...but I am tired. Juggling everything stinks. Work is very crazy and unfortunately it's not going to slow down until mid-May (at least).

I'm just blah and in a weird place. The only joy in my life is Dawson...seriously. His little face is what I long to see ALL the time.

We went shopping on Saturday (he was SOOO good and is such a trooper). He is 4 months old and is such a ham. He is amazing. Here are a couple of pictures...

This has become my all time fave. He was trying on hats at Old Navy. He has an ugly bib on because he drools so bad!

Hi Everyone! I'm sleeping in my big bed for the first time. I slept in a bassinet before that!

Oops, Mommy caught me sleeping in church! However, mommy is in trouble for taking a picture in church...oops...

I finally found my feet!!!!!

Ya know....

2011-03-02T20:55:00.000-06:00

I am just having one big pity party. Trying to process everything going on in my life is a little overwhelming. Again, sorry for the vagueness.

I have so many friends due in the next few weeks and months and I find myself jealous. Yes, jealous. (TTC/Infertile ladies, don't hate me). I know I have D and I am THRILLED and beyond satisfied and full, but my heart hurts that I cannot have another. I want more kids so bad it hurts. D will be 16 weeks tomorrow and four months old on Friday...and I long for a big ol' pg belly. Strange?

Tomorrow will be one year when I found out I was pregnant with Dawson. It's been a whole year. I'm so blessed.

To my infertile friends, forgive me for wanting more. I would be cussing me right now because I have been blessed with a little one. I don't know this is just how I feel.

I miss feeling Dawson inside me. I miss knowing I have a complete miracle growing and developing. I miss seeing him move. I miss trying to guess what he/she looks like. I miss longing to hold him/her when he/she gets here. I just miss it.

I am 35 and getting older. We are struggling financially (another woe) and there is no hope for another round of IVF unless we hit the lottery. :-). And, even that is a gamble.

I don't know...just frustrated tonight. I just nursed and rocked my angel to sleep and feel so blessed but on the flip side just pissed that I can't conceive. I am sure it is "I want what I can't have" kinda thing.

Oh well, I'll put my big girl panties on (note, I didn't say granny panties) and just try to accept it...sometimes I feel like I am on the movie Groundhog Day. My feelings of wanting more children are never resolved...I wake up longing for another one...and throughout the day I gain a little perspective and acceptance and satisfaction that D is in my life...and then I wake up the next day longing for another one. Go figure.

Blah blah and blah blah blah.

Something cool...

2011-02-24T22:47:00.001-06:00

First of all, thank you for all of my friends who have checked on me, inboxed me and left comments. Your prayers will help me pull through this trial. God is faithful...I have to remember that. So, I am blessed to have you all in my life. Love and kisses to you all.

Something cool has happened. D is on a billboard!!! We are very lucky. His one month pictures were done by Larry Elmore at elmorephotography.biz and he asked us if he could put D's picture on the billboard...of course I said YES! He is one of the four pictures! See below!

I am so excited and it is so cool to me! YAY! Thanks, Larry!!

Please pray that we sell our house quickly. We have put it up on the market this week (via Realtor) and he is holding an open house for us this weekend. We are selling it pretty cheaply and really need to get rid of it. There are so many variables dancing around in my head that my mind can't focus on a solid plan...and that drives me crazy.

We are settling in pretty well at mom and dad's. I think we have arranged the furniture in my old room where it is pretty functional. We have a queen size bed, full size chest of drawers and full size dresser/mirror. We have a glider rocker and ottoman, a full size crib, a changing table, a nightstand (with drawers for D's stuff) and a closet full of crap. however, it is working out pretty well. I finally switched things around tonight where I think it will work best for me.

D is getting so big. He slept in his big boy crib for the first time this week. He seems to love it. He has been going to bed around 8:30 pm and getting up around 4 or 5 am to feed and go back to sleep until I have to wake him up to go to J's. He is such a gooooood baby. He smiles before he even opens his eyes!

Anyway, I am looking forward to the weekend. I have a lot to do. The next 9 weeks will be very very busy for me. 6 out of those 9 weeks I will be working the weekends for my Walk MS events. I will be traveling throughout the week too...I am bummed that I will not get to be around D much but I'm holding out hope he won't change too much while I am not with him :-(

Anyway...that's all the news I have. I am pumped about the billboard...fun huh?

Re: previous post

2011-02-22T00:36:00.000-06:00

Even though I hold my little miracle each day, I have let myself forget God's miracle working power. D is my little man, my little miracle. God fulfilled my desire to have a baby and to have an AMAZING one at that!

It's funny when you have one amazing moment/moments in life (i.e., having D) all your other circumstances (bad ones, life in general) creep up on you and threaten to choke out that one amazing thing. I have focused all of my attention on my miracle with D and didn't apply that same thought process to all of the other areas that needed some major attention.

I sowed some seeds this weekend and I am believing for a miracle this week with many things. Only God can move in these situations and I believe He can do it...I am SCARED to put my faith in Him (which is ridiculous) but I am...and I am going to.

Please pray for me...sorry so vague...but God knows my needs so just pray for "Lisa" and He knows what I need. I had a friend reach out to me today and just really ministered to me VERY specifically. I want to sing the "Twilight Zone" theme song but I know God divinely had her email me. Thank you, you know who you are.

I believe that is only the beginning. I have a feeling this week is going to be a tough one...and trying and challenging one...I am believing God will provide.

I give thanks to Him who is sovereign...Thank you, Lord.

4 am...you will not be my friend...

2011-02-19T05:30:00.000-06:00

I think this was the time I was up with D while I was pregnant...however, he got up for a snack and now he is sound asleep and I am up playing stupid FB games.

I'm addicted to dry fruitloops for some reason. I am drinking a big ol' diet coke, eating dry fruitloops and playing fronterville. Such a loser. :-)

I'm dropping more "loops" than eating. Zach and Tobey are patiently waiting for each one dropped. Dexter is too lazy to get out of bed (he's my "healthy" one). If he knew "loops" were dropping he'd be ALL over it! But, again, Z & T are my buddies in the middle of the nights, Dex just stays on the bed and sleeps. He is sort of like a beached whale. Once he gets on his back it is hard for him to get up...lol.

Well, it's the weekend. I don't have anything in particular to do or anything planned. We have hired a realtor finally and I think Monday we will have a sign up. So, sometime we have to go up and clean/pack/etc. I haven't been to the house in over three weeks. I'm sad. I love that house....wish I could just pick it up and put it where we are now. Most of D's stuff is here (except his crib). He is still sleeping in his playard beside our bed. It works pretty well. I have a changing mattress that he sleeps on and it works out well. It is curved up on the sides so he keeps him pretty contained; however, the chunky monkey is about to outgrow it so we will probably get his big crib and bring it to mom and dad's this weekend. He hasn't slept in his crib yet. I bet he will like it so much better.

This is pretty much what I do all day...smile :-)

My new ride. I LOVE it.

Daddy & D watching the Bachelor :-)

My first time in my new ride!

The first toy that really caught my eye. I LOVE this bear! Thanks Aunt Fawnda!

He is just growing up so fast. Each day he has a new sound or a new facial expression. He is teething, you can't tell it by looking at him (like he isn't fussy or anything yet) but he has two big ol' bumps on his bottom gums and he constantlly chews.

He's just a sweet thing. I just still see an amazing miracle every time I look at him.

Good Early Morning to you!

2011-02-18T05:01:00.000-06:00

Yep! It's 4:30 am and I am up. Not because of my little one (he is snoozing in the other room) but because I am HOT! I'm not used to the temperature in the house being this warm! Geez! I am SOOOO hot and I can't sleep when I'm hot. I now have the hiccups. Random. But, geez.

This week was my first full week back in the office. It really hasn't been that horrible. I leave D in the hands of wonderful people so my mind is totally at ease. Each day I find myself not as neurotic than the day before (however, everything is going smooth and he is healthy and happy).

Life for me right now is a little strange and it has been for sometime. I'm gonna be vague so just get ready. It has nothing to do with D. I have been thrown a couple of curve balls in the last eight to nine months and it's been difficult to handle. One of these days I may blog about it (maybe when I get on the other side of it all) but as for now, I'm going to keep it to myself. A few people know all about it so if you don't know and you are sitting there wondering...don't ask. lol.

With every challenge in life I guess it build character (that's what my dad says anyway). I am building up some MAJOR character right now. I have learned two things and I'm still learning....

1. Perspective. I have to keep everything in perspective. Things are tough and things are difficult right now but I have to keep it in perspective. I have a beautiful little miracle sound a sleep in the other room that counts on me to provide EVERYthing including security and happiness. I have to keep all my other problems at bay and focus on him.

2. Acceptance. I would love (on most days) to crawl under the covers and never come out. I would love to stay in a state of denial and just not think about it or deal with things but I can't. I have to accept it whether I want to or not and make the most of it (while always keeping it in perspective). If I accept it and get that mindset, it helps me start the problem solving aspect of it all and it helps me to not worry about the "why is this happening to me" and focus on how I can get passed it.

That vague enough for you? I'm not ready to share so again, don't ask if you don't know. Just pray for me for guidance, peace and direction. I'm still "in" these situations but I'm also looking ahead and I know God will use these trials for His good and hopefully for me to help others.

I'm Amazed...

2011-02-12T23:04:00.000-06:00

I'm just amazed at how much D has grown in the last week. I have been lucky enough to have three extra days with him this week (we had a TON of snow and we were out of work). I'm going to be ruined when I go back on Monday. :-(.

He has developed so much this week...here are some milestones...

1. He has found his hands and they have found his mouth!
2. We think he is about to cut some teeth. He has two bumps on his bottom gums and they are growing.
3. He has decided that he likes to sit up...and he sits up so good now!
4. He holds his head like a big boy.
5. He still just talks and smiles ALL the time...like ALL the time...he has yet to giggle out loud but he will any day...he cackles like one or two times but not a full belly laugh :-) You may not see him again after that because when he starts that...I will probably just gobble him up.
6. He has found toys and reaches out to them and to our prompting hands.

He is such a joy. I know people get sick to death of me going on and on about him but when I look at his sweet face...I just see MIRACLE written all over it. He is truly a miracle...my little angel face. Here are some pics:

I'm unusually...

2011-02-06T22:20:00.000-06:00

Anxious. It hit me out of the blue today or this evening. So much change going on. It hit me when D was fighting sleep and I couldn't pacify him. Then it hit me when we have so much stuff in our room at my parents and I don't have enough space (I can't find anything). Then it hit me when I counted up that I had 48 oz of frozen breast milk left...which only gives me 4.2 days of milk supply left for D.

UGH..

D and Me...

2011-02-03T20:16:00.000-06:00

13 Weeks

2011-02-03T16:58:00.000-06:00

Dawson is 13 weeks today. Three months tomorrow on the 4th. Sweet baby. This picture is so cute to me. He had crazy bath hair (we had just given him a bath) and Nana D was playing 'Patty Cake" with him. HE LOVED IT! Especially when she would yell "FRO 'EM in the pan"...not throw...but fro...lol. I'll need to post the video later.

He is such a good baby and he is doing so well with J. They love him as much as we do.

He completely skipped the 6 month clothes. He wore 6 month clothes for about a week and then WHAM...his outfits are too small for him! We have to go shopping soon!

Love you, D! Happy three months, baby boy. You are amazing!

I survived...

2011-02-01T11:48:00.000-06:00

I survived my first day back to work. He is in such good hands and is so loved but I still cried. I teared up when I handed him over but BAWLED in the car on the way to work. J sends me texts throughout the day and pictures of the little guy so it makes me day go by quicker for some reason.

Work is INSANE. I have so much to dig through and go through...I'm just overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like it was just yesterday I was here and then I look over and see pictures of D and I'm like ??? OH, YEAH! I have a kid! It is the strangest feeling!

Anyway, I survived...I did...today was a little easier. I didn't cry. I made sure I got up earlier (and I am NOT a morning person) to spend a little extra time with him before I dropped him off. I didn't internally complain about the alarm going off at 6! LOL.

He sleeps through the night now. Sometimes he wakes up around 5 or 6 and is restless...he just needs a little "num num" to get him through to when I can really feed him before I drop him off. We call breast milk "num num".

Anyway...I'm back in the real world and trying to learn to integrate my two lives...work and being a momma. It is tough. I'll have more pictures soon I hope!

OH, also...our BIRTH PICTURES!

2011-01-30T18:41:00.000-06:00

Here is the link to the pictures of D's birth. Our good friend, Angi, was our own personal photographer for the day of D's birth. She captured everything and I am so pleased. If you'd like...you can check them out. There are no "inappropriate" shots...you can see my legs, etc. but everything was done so tastefully.

www.flyingpigphotos.photoreflect.com

Find the link for The Birth for Dawson Paul Brown. It is password protected...the password is Dawson. Enjoy and feel free to comment and let me know which are your favorites! :-)

Tomorrow's the day...

2011-01-30T18:30:00.000-06:00

So, tomorrow is officially the big day. I can't believe our own little "Camelot" time is over. In an earlier post I mentioned we were moving by my parents so D will be close to an amazing caregiver. I feel so good that J will be keeping him. He will be loved and SPOILED rotten (because he isn't spoiled now, ha).

Until we get a place to live, D and I (mainly) will be here with mom and dad. We moved some stuff here yesterday just to get settled. Matt is bringing another "load" of necessities today...I hope it doesn't rain on him on the way. Cross your fingers.

This morning D got up a little early (smiling of course) and I piled him up in bed with Nana and PawPaw. I had them turn it to "Dinosaur Train". This week he has discovered TV. I don't know why, but I have not put him in front of the TV until this week. We have a Baby Praise DVD and we watched it this week and OH MY, he LOVED it. He sat the whole 30 minutes fixated on it!! So, every morning this week I have turned on PBS and we have watched Sesame Street, Super Why and Dinosaur Train. He loves the TV.

I'm about to head to J's to drop off all of D's stuff...pack-n-play (playard), tummy time mat, bouncy seat, diapers, wipes, outfits, blankets. She is going to be soooo good with him. My heart is at peace but, ugh, how I would love to be with him 24/7. Sigh...wish me luck...I am going to drop him off and immediately leave...no hanging around and bawling all over him. I will wait to bawl in the car.

I will have a lot to do tomorrow at work. I will have a ton of emails and a ton of stuff to sort through. My busy season began Jan. 1 so I will have a lot of catching up to do and I am sure my days will go by fast. J promised me a lot of pictures throughout the day so I will get to see my little D man :-).

Here are a few iPhone pictures...I have more on my good camera that I will get on here...I PROMISE!

Guilty

2011-01-27T22:18:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger. We have had several bad days in January. We have had three deaths in the family. My Uncle, my Great Aunt and Matt's grandma. All within 2 weeks. It's been a long January.

I look at D's sweet face and my heart can't even take it. It is a feeling that I never knew existed. I know what happy feels like...I know what sadness feels like...I know what anger feels like...you get the picture, but this feeling of looking in D's angel face? There is no word to describe it.

He is the most awesome thing that has ever come into my life. His big ol' eyes just make my heart skip a beat. His smile is contagious. He is so happy. He smiles and coos and says "hey!" all the time. He never cries. Seriously. He smiles all the time. He wakes me up by just grunting a little and when I look in his bed he just looks up at me and his mouth is grinning so big his dimples just crack his face!

I feel so guilty about going back to work. I know people do it all the time but my heart almost can't take it. I go back on Monday and I pray my heart doesn't break in two. He brings me more joy than I could explain.

He is 12 weeks today. 12!! I will post pictures this weekend and update more frequently, I promise.

Just checkin' in...

2011-01-15T18:23:00.000-06:00

I have been at my mom's house the last few days. My Uncle Ronnie passed away this week. It's my dad's brother. My Uncle Ronnie's wife is Aunt Debbie. So there are two Debbie Finkbeiner's (if you remember my post a long time ago). My Aunt and Uncle got married before mom and dad so Aunt Debbie is Debbie #1...my mom is Debbie #2.

Debbie #1 and my mom have been best friends since the third grade....so almost 50 years. They married brothers and the rest is history. My Uncle Ronnie and Aunt Debbie had three kids and we all were raised like one big family. So, as you can imagine it has been a hard week.

I will post a picture of Dawson and Uncle Ronnie when I download my pics. (I forgot the cord again). Anyway, it's been a hard week. If you can, say a prayer for our family...

I just have a few more days left at home with D...next week and then three days of the next. I will miss being able to feed him at 6, curl back in bed with him and sleep until noon. We stay in our PJ's all day and watch TV and nap. I love it.

I'm mentally trying to prepare...Acceptance is the key but I haven't made my mind and heart go there yet. Life will be SO different. I am going to have to try to weave my two lives together. I had a solid life with just working all the time and then WHAM I have Dawson and that has been my 100% focus...and now I am going to have to learn to juggle my work life with my Dawson. It is going to be difficult but I will make it work.

My father in law sent me this picture today of Matt when he was a baby...My picture is below his...

So, what do you think? Who does D look like? My opinion is that he has Matt's eyes and forehead and my nose and mouth. Thoughts?

Sigh...ahhh, he finally found a pacifier he likes! It is old school!

10 weeks tomorrow...

2011-01-13T00:37:00.000-06:00

My sweet little one will be 10 weeks tomorrow. He is getting so big! I took him to the pediatrician today. He weighed 13 lbs 2 3/4 oz and he was 23 3/4 inches long. He was in the 75% and 71% percentiles respectively.

He got his two month shots today. Broke my heart...he was not happy. Ugh. I dread when the next shots roll around. I think I cried longer than he did.

My leave is coming to an end. I have two weeks left starting tomorrow. My heart BREAKS thinking about leaving his sweet little face every day. I literally can't stand it. I am sure it will be hard for awhile but I will get in a routine and it will get easier (at least that is what I'm telling myself). I am leaving him in GREAT hands and I don't worry about who I am leaving him with...just that I am leaving him. My feet will hit the ground running at work as soon as I get back...so hopefully I will be so busy I can't even grieve too much...wishful thinking? Sigh.

D is getting so animated. He tries so hard to talk to me...he says "HEY" and "A-Goo" and "K". His dimples just melt my heart. Heck, just the sight of him melts my heart!!

Here are a few pictures... :-)

Two month doctor's appointment...it was SOOO cold outside! I was all bundled up!

Mom, I'm a big football player (with no neck) don't put me in pj's with footies..

Go Arkansas! Beat Ohio State in the Sugar Bowl!

I'm TWO months old! 1-4-11

Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?!

And, to see how much he has grown from Month 1 to Month 2...here are side by side shots...

I love this kid!!!

2011-01-09T23:03:00.000-06:00

I cannot put into words what my heart feels when I look at D. I feel love and excitement and a momma bear tenacity that would rip a 2 x 4 in half!!!!

D is 9.5 weeks old and he is just amazing! He is so animated now. His first sounds were over Christmas and they were "A or hey", "goo" and today he made the sound "k". He smiles so big at me and kicks and wiggles like he is trying so hard to tell some big elaborate story. D has also started to bat at his toys. He got a little talking Elmo for Christmas and he loves it. He just keeps his eyes glued to it. He is starting to love his toys :)

I have a little over 2 weeks left and my heart hurts to think I won't be able to have him with me 24/7. I will be leaving him in awesome hands but you might as well rip my heart out and put it on a platter. We are going to enjoy the next 2 weeks and I will not be wearing make up for awhile...cause I know I will cry when I head to work. :(

I am in huge love with this kid. Huge.

Is it weird...

2011-01-01T15:25:00.000-06:00

Is it weird that when I take pictures of Dawson I think about if it would make his wedding powerpoint slideshow?

?

2010 in review...

2010-12-31T23:29:00.001-06:00

What a year! 2010 was amazing. It started out with a very successful IVF round...and it has ended with me rocking Dawson into the new year.

2010 I have been consumed with this little one...worried about the IVF round...worried about my numbers...worried about miscarrying...worried about not hearing his little heartbeat...worried if all of his organs and stuff were growing correctly...worried about my blood sugar and how it would hurt him...worried about him being HUGE when I was delivering...worried when his heart rate would fluctuate during delivery...worried about delivering him...worried about bringing him home...worried about him not breathing at night...worried about me not doing something right...worried about every small thing that I was clueless on...worried about him getting diaper rash...worried about him choking...worried about not eating enough (ha, cause he's a chunky monkey now)...worried about him getting sick...worried about going back to work...

I'm sure I will have new worries tomorrow. Remember my neurotic post? lol.

I have 45 minutes left in this remarkable year. My miracle is in my arms and it all happened in 2010. I am so very blessed and give all the glory to God. He entrusted us with this little guy and I am just so blessed. My cup runneth over.

I know 2011 will hold alot of FIRSTS...D will blow my mind in 2011, I just know it. He is so stinking precious to me.

I must admit I cannot explain this love that I feel towards him. The only thing I want to see is him smiling up at me. I ache when he cries (which he doesn't cry often)...but I cannot stand the thought of him hurt or sad or sick or anything. I want him happy...he brings joy to people...he has brought joy to our house...to my parents' house and to everyone who has been praying for this little guy. He is a joy bringer!

Thank you to everyone who prayed for D to be in our lives...I hope you will continue to read about D's journey to his first birthday and beyond.

Just a few pictures to share....

2010-12-30T22:40:00.000-06:00

Here are a few pictures from my iPhone. I have more on my regular camera but forgot my USB cord to download on the computer...bummer. Oh well, I will load those later.

At Nana's house...12-30-10...just hanging out after some Num Num...(aka, breast milk). This kid smiles all the time...even in his sleep...

12-24-10...D's Arkansas outfit...I have a better picture on my camera...it is an Arkansas outfit...see his razorback hat? Too cute...His socks have Hogs on them too...

Monica and Me. Monica (aka, Aunt Monnie) on Christmas Day.

PaPa Tommy, D and the Grinch. Aunt Kerry got him the Grinch...I have more pictures (on my camera). PaPa Tommy got a hat that says "My Grandpa Rocks" and an LED flashlight hat thing that fits on the bill so dad can see...lol.

Uncle Mark and D (Matt's brother).

D's Christmas outfit! It was so cute...I will have more pictures...well, you know, let's say it all together now "ON THE OTHER CAMERA"...

Daddy & D on Christmas Day...2010

Got Milk?

2010-12-30T10:41:00.000-06:00

I had a little more milk this morning...I am hopeful that I can keep this up. I am pumping as much as I can to increase the supply for the demand. We shall see. I did have to give him a bottle last night of some breast milk that I pumped earlier in the day.

He is SO happy in the morning. I love it. I used to hate mornings and getting up, but as soon as I see his sweet little face grinning from ear to ear...mornings are now my favorite time! I have got to video him first waking up to prove it.

Dawson is starting to vocalize more too...he says "Hey" and "Aaaak" alot. :-) He kicks and squirms and it looks like he would take off running if he could.

My cold now has moved into my chest. Yuck. I haven't taken anything since that one full day of antihistamines. I'm just trying to hydrate as much as possible.

OK, this is random but I was logging on and a news link came up about famous twins...did you know that Ashton Kutcher has a twin? He has cerebal palsy and had a heart transplant at 13? Also, the article said Justin Timberlake had a twin sister who died shortly after birth. Anyway, I love random entertainment news. My friend, Charity, got me hooked on people.com. Yeah, it's her fault.

I got some wonderful news about a fellow IVFer. You guys have prayed for her many times...I believe this was her 10th IVF...she is almost 9 weeks pregnant now...and all looks great. Please pray for her that everything will continue to be perfect...she so deserves it! She made my Christmas when she told me...Praise the Lord.

OK...I think the Nazi Nana got the little monkey to sleep. I am going to sneak a nap in while I can. He is 8 weeks old today. I can't believe it. I only have 4 weeks of leave left. Time is flying and I don't like it.

Milk!

2010-12-29T17:50:00.000-06:00

I'm extremely concerned with my milk supply. I completely forgot that the pediatrician said to watch taking antihistamines because not only will it dry up your sickness...it will also dry up your milk! I got sick this weekend and I completely forgot and took a day's worth of antihistamines. I noticed I didn't have a ton of milk yesterday and today my milk isn't coming in like usual. I am drinking a ton of water...so hopefully I can continue to produce milk! EEK!

I'm enjoying my time with mom and dad. Mom completely spoils Dawson and he LOVES her. She sings him funny songs and it just awesome to see her get to interact with her grandson. :-)

Dawson is such a joy and good baby. He wakes up smiling. I change his diaper and look down and he is grinning with a big toothless grin...and I just want to eat the dimples off his face! Gosh, I love this kid.

My bubble...

2010-12-28T13:21:00.000-06:00

I have stuff to do...decisions to make...it's time.

I have lived in a SWEET little bubble the last two months. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. D is worth every minute spent doing NOTHING...my nothing consists of holding and loving and kissing this sweet little guy.

The decision has been made to put the house up for sale. We are going to be moving back towards my parents. I had a change in the person who is keeping D yesterday but God already provided another person who agreed to keep him. Things just work out. This person is my sweet cousin, J. She lives about 5 minutes away from where we will live. It is really just an ideal situation.

I have to start on the house so it will be ready next week. If I can just get that done while mom is off work (so she can keep D) then I will be good to go. So much to do...

It is hard being about an hour away from family. There is no family where we live and I want D to know his family. I have always been independent and somewhat adventurous but I want some roots and I want D to know and be known by his family. Perfect timing. D comes first now and knowing he will be spoiled absolutely rotten by J and be taken care of 100% makes my heart not explode with anxiety.

So with that said, I'm off to make some lists so I will know what to do...lol.

Stuffy baby...

2010-12-27T16:59:00.000-06:00

I have a stuffy little baby. He sneezes twice and then coughs. Poor little guy! I hate it so bad. His stuffiness really isn't too bad but just enough to make me neurotic. I'm just afraid this is just the beginning of having a cold...hopefully he can fight it off...I HOPE!

We got a humidifier and a battery powered nose suction and some saline. POOR GUY!

I'm still hanging at mom's house for a few more days so if I have to use the nose suction thingy then she can do it first.

I have eaten a whole box of Froot Loops...dry. They have just hit the spot. My poor kid gets GREAT nutrition!

I'm still breast feeding and D is a champ at it. I pump off about 5-10 oz a day after feeding him...so hopefully we will have enough to keep D in breast milk after I go back to work (in five weeks).

I can't BELIEVE I have only five weeks left of my leave. This magical time is almost over and I can't stand it. I love my job but I love my D more...and I want to be the one that watches him take his first steps and hears him talk and UGH! I will have about 5 or 6 good hours with him a day!!! Seems so wrong. I know I'm belly aching...millions of women go back to work and they live...but still.

That's about all that I did today...I held the little one and enjoyed every minute of spoiling him.

Neurotic...

2010-12-26T12:27:00.000-06:00

I knew I would worry about D but, oh my. I have been neurotic lately. He has been choking...pretty much off and on and almost every day since he was born. It hasn't been when he feeds...it just happens randomly. Freaks us out. It isn't for very long but still...it freaks me out.

The second thing is...last night I noticed that one of D's pupils was smaller than the other. His right pupil is bigger than his left. I thought maybe it was just my imagination...so I asked mom...she picked out the right pupil as being larger and then I asked Matt and he picked out the right pupil as being larger. Now, I am freaked out. Yes, I am freaked out.

We are going to call about it and see what it means.

He is also getting a cold, I'm afraid. He seems a little congested. I just sat and watched him last night.

ALSO, his hands and feet are always frozen..even with socks on BOTH his hands AND his feet...they are cold to the touch. Makes me so mad I can't warm them up. Sometimes they are warm...but most of the time they are cold. My cousins told me their kids' hands and feet did that...and their kids STILL HAVE their hands and feet and are normal...so I am not too neurotic about that.

Let's see what else...OH, he has a little lymph node on the back of his neck right under his hairline that is swollen. UGH!

Anyway, don't mind me...I'm just a little neurotic.

35 years old and 7 weeks old...

2010-12-24T01:53:00.000-06:00

My 35th b-day was on the 21st. Yes, I am 35. Officially middle aged. lol. Dawson was the best birthday present ever. My day was spent uneventful...no biggie...just holding my little one and feeling extremely blessed.

Dawson turned 7 weeks old yesterday and the little guy is in 3-6 month clothes! He isn't like fat or anything he is just a big ol' boy! He has started (since last week) smiling at everything and everyone. We constantly talk to him and sing to him. He just smiles and he is JUST about to start laughing. He actually has cackled a couple of times in his sleep...even in his sleep he is happy!!!

He has gotten really animated lately too. I was holding him the other day and Tobey came over and licked his hand...and Nazi Nana freaked out and went and got a wipey and "disinfected" his little hand. Dawson didn't appreciate Nazi Nana doing that...he kept his hand wide open like she scalded it and he kept looking at her with his eyebrows all down and crossed with a mean look on his face...he didn't like it at all! LOL, we laughed so hard because he just stared her down for a few minutes. HA!

He is a GREAT sleeper. I was told by MANY people to sleep when he sleeps...well, I totally sleep when he sleeps and I get NOTHING done. But, I was told to take advantage of the time I had with him and I HAVE!. He has his days and nights just a tad mixed up. He only has a couple of routine feeding times...3 am...6 am...and 9 am...and he sleeps in between those times. He goes back to sleep after the 9 am time and sleeps until usually around noon. Then after that it is a toss up between when he sleeps and when he is awake. He doesn't really care to be put down in his bed during the day so I like to let him sleep on my chest. We usually get our best naps out that way. I LOVE the snuggle time and wouldn't trade it right now for the world. I am very lucky because I can totally put him in his bed at night and he will either pacify himself and fall right to sleep or just be out of it when I put him in his bed.

I would probably change the sleeping on my chest deal during the day if he didn't sleep at night...but he sleeps fine in his bed on his own. Woot!

I am just so thankful. He is such a happy and sweet baby. He smiles all the time and hardly ever cries. My grandma thinks we should let him cry more so his "lungs will develop". LOL, first of all, I don't want my baby to cry and second of all he just doesn't cry that much!

His hair is getting to be a bronze color...it is so much lighter than it was when he was born!! Gosh he is a cute kid. My Grandpa Blann (the one he was named after....Blann Dawson), told mom that she would never know if her baby was ugly...(in response to mom's question of "what if my baby is ugly?"). LOL. I asked mom the other day...is Dawson REALLY that pretty? Or am I just totally blind. OK, I need to quit. I think my child is gorgeous :-) ha.

Here are a few pictures from the last few weeks. He is just growing up so much!!!

I love this onesie...

Just got my bath...ahhhh, flannel pj's (and just minutes after we put these on him...he spit up a TON and we had to change him...lol)

This was his picture at six weeks. I was at the doc's office for my exam...I was on the exam table and he was sitting so perfectly in his carrier!!!! This onesie says "Big Deal...like my daddy" :-) My neighbors, Jessica & Aaron, got that for us!

Mom kept D while I ran and got groceries and she sent this to me while I was gone. Made me want to abandon my buggy and go eat that dimple right off his face...

His head is huge and his little "Dawson" hat is adorable so I wanted him to wear it once. The little baseball outfit that it matches is too big for him right now...he looks like a gangsta with it to the side :-) he he he.

Six weeks!

2010-12-17T00:16:00.000-06:00

So Dawson is six weeks old today! I had my six week check up today and the wait was horrendous. 2 hours. He was awake the whole time and he did amazing! He didn't cry at all. I was so pleased with him. I can say (so far) I'm blessed with a good baby!

My doctor's visit went great. We discussed birth control and he actually remembered my fertility issues! He said that with me continuing to breast feed that it should surpress the endo growth! So, we agreed that we will just keep an eye on my periods to see if I display any endo symptoms and we will go from there.

I have enjoyed this kid so much. Today he has turned on the charm and has grinned at everything! Those dimples are to die for.

Anyway, I'm cleared. Back to the old annual appointments now.

It's amazing...

2010-12-14T00:02:00.000-06:00

D is getting so big. Just a few days ago I put him in 3 month clothes and they were still a little big...yesterday and today he is filling them out! The pj's he has on now are snug!!!! He is growing up right before my eyes. Makes me sad. Makes me sad that he is outgrowing his newborn stage but I think I love this next stage too...he is just amazing.

I have my 6 week appointment on Thursday. I have a lot to talk to the doctor about. I don't expect to get pregnant on my own but I would love to have another. Unless we have another miracle with financial help...fertility treatments are out of the question. My endo has been growing back pretty fast (last time it was 10 months from surgery to visible endo on the screen). I don't want to go on birth control because that completely takes the getting pregnant chance out of the equation. Anyway...we will see what the doc says.

My maternity leave is halfway over. I can't believe this special time is almost up. It makes me so sad. I have enjoyed every minute of it. The holidays will make the rest of my time fly by. :(. I go back January 27. I think I have someone to keep D whole I'm working. Logistically it will be a challenge for me but D will be closer to both sides of the family in case of emergency or I need someone to pick him up. Or it might work out if we decide to move back that way. Matt has been working alot and we've not seen each other or even had the chance to talk about a plan of moving or what. Good grief we have a lot to talk about. Wish we had the time!!!

If it works out between us and our friend that can keep him...well I know D would be in awesome hands. It gives me such peace to know he would have undivided attention and would be loved loved loved!!!

Professional pics...ONE MONTH!

2010-12-11T17:11:00.000-06:00

Thank you so much to Larry & Angie Elmore at elmorephotography.biz. They did D's first month pictures. They turned out sooooo good! Here are a few of my faves... (btw, if you live in the central Arkansas area...contact Larry for pictures! They are awesome!)

Yes we are alive!

2010-12-11T16:57:00.001-06:00

My laptop is on the fritz...it is ancient and about the size of a huge suitcase. So, my posts have been few and far between without having regular access to a good computer. Mom is up today watching D while I am cleaning the house. LOL, I don't get much done during the day but eat, sleep and poop with him...lol.

This kid is amazing. I just stare at him in awe. I can't believe he is mine and he is here.

He is five weeks old and doing really good. He has already outgrown all of his newborn clothes and is in 3 month clothes. I am so sad. He didn't get to wear that stuff enough and I have already started a tub of "clothes outgrown". :-( My baby is growing up.

D eats REALLY good...his cheeks are chubby and he is just darn cute. Mommies have to say that because they believe it is true...no matter how ugly the kid is...JUST KIDDING!

The first month he slept at night pretty well. He would sleep every 3 hours and then get up and eat. The last few days he has started to stay awake longer. He wiggles and makes eye contact and smiles. I am amazed at how he is changing. Mom can't believe how big he is getting.

We still haven't been out of the house since Thanksgiving. With flu season and some kind of stomach bug and whopping cough and people and germs out there, I just want to keep him safe at home. And, I am a little nervous about taking him out by myself. I don't like him being strapped in the car seat...seems very confining. I have got to venture out next week to my 6 week doctor appointment. (I cannot believe it has been 6 weeks)!!! So, he obviously has to go with me. He will also visit MeMe Debra at her work too...so maybe my nerves will be OK.

I have lost 27 lbs since giving birth. I am 20 lbs down pre-pregnancy weight. I feel pretty good about that. YAY!

We are going to attend church for the first time with him tomorrow and I pray he gets his bowel movement out of the way before we get into service. This kid sounds like a cannon when he poops...the noise will bounce of the ceiling!! I told Matt if that happened that I was going to look behind me like someone else did it. We will see how well he does in public. :-)

Of course, for the ultimate...PICTURES! Here are some of the last few weeks...I have taken one every day...those are on facebook though...

DAWSON PAUL at 4 weeks...

My friend, Charity, always put her girls in onesies and put a stuffed animal up against them at their age milestones...so I am going to adopt her practice.

The below pictures are from Thanksgiving week... :-)

This is D's first real bath...he still doesn't really like his baths...

Grandpappy Johnny (Matt's dad) loving on D

This bib says it all. Cousin Megan got it for him...it says "Everyone is thankful for me!" Isn't that the truth????

Routine...schmutine

2010-12-01T20:12:00.001-06:00

Holy cow this is hard! Dawson is seriously in charge. I'm confused with his daily routine. He wants to be held and snuggled all day. I try to put him down and he totally wakes up. But, at night you can put him down and he will sleep 3-4 hours and eat and go right back to sleep! Crazy kid!

For the first time, however, he is in his swing sleeping. He let me cook dinner!!! Yay!

Dawson will be four weeks old tomorrow. I cannot believe he is already a month! I'm so thankful because someone asked to take his month old pictures! It is a guy from my hometown, Larry Elmore. He has started a photography business and offered to take his pictures. We are doing them on Saturday. I can't wait. You can go to his website at elmorephotography.biz. Thank you, Larry!!!

Breastfeeding is still going good. I had a bump in the road the other day...I didn't think I was producing enough milk..but it corrected itself pretty quickly.

Ummm, the boys are adjusting pretty good. Dexter still doesn't care, Zach wants to lick him to death and Tobey is protective but you can tell Dawson's presence has rocked his world. Poor guy. Zach is laying in my lap now.

Ummmmmmm, I have lost a total of 25 lbs. I am 18 lbs pre-pregnancy weight right now. I haven't been this size in awhile...yay!

I'll post more pictures later...

Dawson's first Thanksgiving...

2010-11-27T09:40:00.000-06:00

I am so thankful this Thanksgiving. I have my little miracle. He was practically attacked by my family and I loved it. My cousin, Carla, showed up at my car door and took him from me (which I loved) and then the bickering started between Carla and her sister Shelly. I don't think we laughed so hard in a LONG time. They were bickering about how long the other one was holding him. And, then Aunt Debbie got in the mix and it was just comical. I loved every minute of it.

The electricity went out in our little town and we didn't have any lights or phones (I grew up in the boonies) until 2 am the next morning (and they STILL don't have phone service). However, we went to my Aunt Debbie's and their electricity came back on right before we ate lunch. We ended up spending the night there since we didn't have electricity at our house.

Dawson still is such a good baby. He just doesn't cry. Someone told me that my grandma said that we needed to let him cry to develop his lungs. I guess that is an old wive's tale...cause when he change him...um, he has some lungs.

And, what is so sweet...when he is sleeping he softly cooes or hums every few seconds when he exhales...it is so sweet! I love it.

I have been at mom's for a few days and he is getting spoiled again already. Poor daddy had to work yesterday and today and he hasn't seen him since Thursday. He is about to pitch a fit. We are having the Brown's side of the family Thanksgiving today so I need to get ready. (And, daddy will get to see him after work). I think we are having family pictures done too so I need to actually get ready.

On a healing note...I have lost 20 lbs. I am 13 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. Yay, me. I am still bleeding...I thought I was stopping but nope. At about 3 this morning my ovaries started flaring up. I haven't felt them in awhile...which worries me...surely I'm not ovulating this early...and surely I don't have cysts so quickly. I will need to discuss the treatment of my endo at my six week check up. Treatment would be birth control...but Matt and I would love more kids so why go on BC? Defeats the whole purpose. I don't know what the doc will suggest. I just don't want the endo to come back in full force and cysts and all that crap...it is NOT fun.

My neck is a little better...I have cut down on my meds but my mornings and evenings the range of motion in my neck is pretty limited and I feel like I have whip lash. I wish it was a normal neck again.

Ummm, what else, breast feeding is going good. It did take about two weeks to get going. I just drip milk...gross, I know. AND, milk STINKS! I am full right now and we have about 30 minutes before the next feeding and I hope I can make it before they burst! We feed about every three hours...I have about two days worth of breast milk frozen already. I guess I have become a milk cow. Moooo, I say.

Pictures will come later. Gotta go get myself ready and little bit too.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone...from someone who is so thankful my heart is overflowing.

Coming home....

2010-11-23T12:50:00.000-06:00

Yeah, it is pretty early, but I just fed little D and put him back down and wanted to take a few uninterrupted minutes to jot some more stuff down...I have a lot to catch up on. I feel a little discombobulated with my posts and feel the need to get a little more organized.

It was a little bittersweet leaving the hospital. We were excited to be going home but we (me mainly) were also a little nervous about going home because he was all my responsibility (OK, it was just me nervous). I mean, I have never had a baby! I never had to change ALL diapers! I never had to feed him every three hours...I never had to anticipate his needs! What if he got choked? Got sick? ????? The list went on. I will be 35 next month (less than a month) and I am not ashamed to say that I have NO idea what I am doing! (going on 2.5 weeks later, I do feel better about everything!)

We left the hospital and while waiting on Matt to bring the car around, we got a lot of ooohs and ahhhs from onlookers. It was so good to say, "Yes, he is mine"..."Why, thank you, we are pretty proud"..."Yes, he is my son"...Surreal but good.

He looked so tiny in his car seat. I don't know why I didn't take a picture of him in it. I did video us leaving and getting everything in the car though. I'll have to post that later.

Driving home I had to hold D's little head up because he was so tiny in there (we probably can adjust it where it is more comfortable for him but he hasn't been out but like two times so I still need to figure it out).

Mom stayed with us Saturday, Sunday & Monday. She was a huge help. I got so tickled at her. She truly is the Nazi Nana. We got home and halfway got settled. The boys (Zach, Tobey & Dexter) were all so curious and anxious (that will be another post), but we all got decently settled and I plopped my butt in the recliner after I put D in his crib. I grabbed the laptop and Zach jumped in my lap and just clung to me...you could tell he missed me!!! Anyway, I am Facebooking and just trying to catch up and I feel these evil eyes on me. I look up and mom is drilling a hole through me with her eyes. I was like??? WHAT? And, this was the conversation:

Me: WHAT? What are you looking at me that way?
Mom: You have a newborn baby in the other room and you are on the computer with a dog on your lap!
Me: Mom, Dawson is asleep and I have his baby monitor right here...what do you want me to do go in there and stare at him while he sleeps?
Mom: Well, YES! And, in fact, I will just do it.

And, she did. She marched her rear end into our bedroom and actually stood over his crib and watched him sleep. I don't know how long she stood there but it was quite awhile.

Anyway, I thought that was funny.

Overall, the kid does NOT cry. He just whimpers when he wants to eat (or if you wait too long he will get pretty fussy) but he cries when you change him or change his clothes. Other than that...no crying. I am so very blessed.

He is so sweet and he loves to snuggle. He will just burrow down on your chest and snuggle. I LOVE IT.

More home stories to come later...but that was at least his first night.

Pee Pee and Poop

2010-11-23T12:48:00.000-06:00

Dawson is the PEE and POOP King! He wins all the prizes. HOLY cow! I get peed on at least once a day. I just can't get his little wee wee covered quick enough and our record for poo diapers is 15 in one day. Yes, 15. Geez. And, he poops LOUD! It is so loud and wet sounding...we are going to be thoroughly embarrassed at church and at quiet places when we start taking him out!

The first time I ever changed him in the hospital, my sister-in-law, Monica, was there with me and I was nervous. So, I undid his diaper and started wiping his booty and the fire hose started going! We slapped the diaper over him and started laughing...then he pooped...and then I about started crying and said "I can't do this". The angel nurse came in at that time and I asked her to finish it. And, she did. Monica and I were laughing but I was very intimidated. His little circumcision looked horrible and I had to doctor it too and...sigh...oh well.

Then we brought him home. Mom and I went through four diapers before we were able to finish one changing. He peed on us...and pooped on us twice. I said a dirty word that means the same thing as poop. Sorry, I do not cuss but that word came out from nowhere. Mom and I laughed so hard after that.

THEN, Matt helped me with a poopy diaper and I turned around to put the diaper in the genie and I looked back and Matt's eyes are wide...I had no idea what was going on but Dawson was just spraying everywhere. I was like...COVER HIM! LOL. Matt was a little shocked that it was so strong of a stream! LOL. We got him all cleaned and still laugh when we change the little booger together.

You know you are initiated as a mom when you have poop on your hands and you cover his wee wee with your other hand...just because...and you think NOTHING of it. It just totally doesn't bother you.

Bittersweet...

2010-11-23T12:31:00.001-06:00

D is asleep right now. Yes, I know I should be asleep too (I have done pretty well with sleeping when he sleeps but I am so far behind on house work and blogging that I am taking this time to catch up). I know you are probably thinking...Blogging? That's important? Well, it is to me. I want to capture every moment of D's life. I have been very emotional (probably some baby blues mixed in), but, I have been emotional because the odds are WAY stacked against us to have any more kids. Even if we had the money or insurance to try IVF again, there are still no guarantees.

From the moment D came out I began mourning that my stomach was empty...my womb was empty. Regardless of the 22 weeks of morning sickness...the gestational diabetes...the PUPPPs rash...the huge stretch marks...I would have 15 more kids if I could. The emotion that my heart feels is indescribable. It's more than just "I'm a mom now" emotion. It is an emotion that is seriously a once in a life time...one chance...one shot...and it is over. (The conceiving, pregnancy, birth part)

All I ever wanted to do was be a mom. And, I feel so guilty feeling this way. I know how it feels NOT to have a child and have no guarantee of even having a child even after failed fertility treatments and a miscarriage. But, I have a taste of what pregnancy is and a taste of what the miracle of birthing a child is...and a taste of what looking at your beautiful miracle is and it is something that I crave more and more.

To all my infertile friends, please don't get me wrong...I am grateful I am just pitching a fit mentally because of our circumstances...we can't randomly get pregnant...and it pisses me off. This time with Dawson is flying by. He is almost three weeks old and I know I will never have a three week old again. Ya know? I am rambling. I am so very lucky...I am so very blessed to have Dawson...but my thirst for more kids is worse now than ever and I feel guilty and I am eating my words because I always said..."If I can have just one"..."just one"..."I will be satisfied".

Labor and Delivery is the most amazing thing I have ever gone through. The experience compares to nothing else in this world. I wish and pray I had the opportunity to do it again.

OK, my pity party is over with for the day. Dawson is amazing and I wouldn't change a thing. I am truly satisfied with this little one...

To all my infertile friends, please don't take this post the wrong way...honesty has been my policy from day one.

Breastfeeding...

2010-11-23T12:18:00.000-06:00

I am breastfeeding and it is going pretty good. He latches on really good and eats so fast he gets choked. lol.

I was told to wait two weeks and it would be so much better...and it has been. We are going on week three and it is good. We feed around every three hours and he does so good.

My friends Mary and Karie have loaned me their breast pumps and those have been life savers. I was very intimidated by pumping (I don't know why) and Mary came over and showed me the ropes and it has been wonderful. I have big boobs anyway and when they are full...HOLY COW! I have already begun freezing milk and he has plenty throughout the day so - whew. Thank you MARY AND KARIE! You guys have been wonderful!

I have said this before, when you are almost 35 and are just starting your family, you have TONS of friends who have a WEALTH of knowledge (because they are on their second and third kid). I have a vast array of friends who I can call and ask stupid questions! YAY! I am NOT ashamed to say, "I have no idea what I am doing!"

Life at home

2010-11-23T12:07:00.000-06:00

Life at home has been very good. I am still trying to figure out routines and how to be a mommy. Again, mom was home with me for the first few days and she helped a lot.

I did have to go to the doctor myself a week after he was born. I pushed too hard while I was in labor and inflammed the nerves around my C1 in my neck. It is called C1 neuralgia. Talk about painful. The doc said it usually happens when you have a car wreck and your chin hits your chest. Well, my chin hit my chest many times while I pushed.

I couldn't move my neck and I was in constant pain. I cried and cried and couldn't even look down at D while I was breastfeeding! I was in so much pain. The pain in the neck caused severe headaches as well. I was miserable. There wasn't much I could take because I was breastfeeding but Dr. H gave me Valium (the lowest harmful dose of a muscle relaxer) and told me to keep take ibuprofen. I took over 100 ibuprofen in 10 days. YES, 100 in 10 days. I was told to feed D and then take a Valium to help the pain and try to wait as long as I could before I fed him again.

It has been a struggle. It hurts to lay down and by the end of the day it is so strained I can't move my neck. It HAS gotten better, thank goodness. I still take my ibuprofen and Valium to help (if not it would really start hurting). So we are going on week three with a really painful neck. NOT FUN.

I mean, everything in the vay jay jay area is just fine! It is all the secondary issues that have caused problems!!!!

More Pictures of little D :-)

2010-11-20T20:20:00.001-06:00

I had just checked in the hospital, got changed and was climbing in bed...6:44 am!!!

Daddy snuggling with D man.

Daddy was a "little" tired. He had NO sleep the night before.

We were home! Daddy was holding "Little Bit"

Tobey is Mr. Protector. He laid in front of Dawson and wouldn't let the other boys near him.

MiMi and Grandpappy visiting D for the first time...I think they are in love....

Three Generations...Daddy, Grandpappy & Dawson...

Daddy was playing Xbox 360 and Dawson was bored...

Aunt Mo-Mo and Uncle Jo-Jo (Monica & Jordan) lol.

Aunt Monica holding D man.

I LOVE this picture. Dawson's shoes and Uncle Jordan's shoes. Jordan is the SHOE king...

Dawson's big ol' hands. He has Daddy's hands. HUGE HUGE HUGE! He will be able to grip a basketball and catch some insanely thrown footballs...

Just a sweet little picture of him sleeping...

MORE TO COME!

After Delivery...

2010-11-20T19:44:00.000-06:00

I really can't remember where I stopped last. My goal is to get all caught up this weekend. I am at my mom and dad's this weekend to show Dawson to my side of the family. So far he has met his Great Grandma Bernice, Great Aunt Debbie, Aunt Shelly, Great Great Aunt Susie and Great Great Aunt Donna. We have a ton more family coming (I think).

This is his sweet sweet Great Great Aunt Donna

Great Grandma Bernice and Aunt Shelly

Great Aunt Debbie :-)

PawPaw Tommy or PawDaddy (either one) holding Big "D". His little onesie says:

Which we have already had to change him out of his "Team Grandpa" outfit because he peed all over it :-) AND ME.

Dawson was all tuckered out! Meeting family is tiring!

Dawson is doing so good, btw.

OK, after delivery, we had about 30 minutes with Dawson with just Matt and me. He never cried; he just looked around and was so alert. He was just taking everything in. (I might have posted the pictures before, but I will post them again)

I was checked in and just in waiting mode. I was trying to Facebook and Blog but Matt took away my phone, computer and all electronic devices to the outside world. He said I was going to get too stressed with all the comments, etc.

I think at this point I was starting to hurt just a little. I was dilated to four and they had upped my pitocin five times at this point. I was giving the thumbs up (I didn't have any pain meds...my epidural came later). Look at my stinking double chins...ugh.

This was after the first scare. I had to wear oxygen for pretty much the entire rest of the day. We thought it was funny if Matt had the oxygen on. My double chin is somewhat gone because I had stretched it looking up at Matt. ha!

We had a ton of family still there (it was after 9 pm at this point). OH...he weighed 7 lbs and 12 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He was born at 8:25 pm.

RANDOM PHOTOS:

Last Pregnancy shot before we went to the hospital...whew...

This was my first night home from the hospital (three days after birth).

*********************************************************************************

We had Nana Deb, PawPaw Tommy, MiMi Debra, Grandpappy Johnny (he wants to be called Grandpappy), Uncle Mark & Aunt Mia, Aunt Monica, Aunt Carla, Brooke Teeter, Great Aunt Sandra, Great Uncle David, Great Aunt Lenee, Camille, and Aunt Fawnda, they were all up there after 9 pm to see him :-) We also had Uncle Anthony come up on Saturday too :-).

We had great nurses and staff (I said that in an earlier post, I think). We stayed Thursday - Saturday. I think we left around 4 pm. The pediatrician said he was perfect but had a little jaundiced. He was 7 lbs 12 oz at birth and then when we checked out he weighed 7 lbs 5 oz. We were worried that he would have to stay because of his jaundice level but it was low enough to just go to the pediatrician within a few days.

Matt packed up everything and we headed home! I couldn't believe he was ours and we had NO help at this point!!!! We barely got everything packed up in the car!

He looked so small in his little car seat!

OK, I think this post is a little long sorry - I posted a lot of pictures. I will try to update more this weekend as well (at least get up to date)...

More pictures...

2010-11-15T18:01:00.004-06:00

Here are a few more pictures. The blog site is not cooperating and it keeps freezing when I want to load pictures. There are a ton more I want to upload.

He is such a good baby. He is a week and four days old today. I can't believe and he is changing every minute! He has peed and pooped on me more times than I can count (and I don't even care). He slept in his bed for the first time last night (which is a miracle since everyone is spoiling him rotten with him sleeping on their chests). I hope this begins a trend of him sleeping in his bed at night!

I am just in absolute love. I love every minute of changing dirty diapers and getting up every few hours with him. So much more to write about but duty is calling...enjoy the pictures...I will post more later!

Dawson constantly had his eyes open...he never really cried much just looked around like this!

This is a cute picture. D has HUGE hands and a massive grip. He had a hold of Matt's shirt and would NOT let go! LOL. My caption to this one "DAD!!! Listen to me!"

He has these HUGE dimples on BOTH sides of his face. I have nicknamed Magnum (Tom Selleck) :-) HUGE HUGE Dimples.

Before I post again...here are some pictures...

2010-11-15T17:15:00.001-06:00

The pictures aren't the best quality but you get the picture :-). I took the majority of these on my iPhone...

Right after he was born! November 4, 2010

7 lbs 12 oz

20 1/2 inches long

Born at 8:25 pm

In the hospital, laying on my chest...

This is one of my favorites. He is four days old here and is smiling at me. His little shirt says it all. He is just a happy baby. My friends and co-workers out of Oklahoma got that onesie for him!

Dimples. dimples, dimples!!!

I think this one is my favorite...ha...

I'm going to post this and then post some more pictures...

Part 3...Dawson Paul's entrance to the world!

2010-11-13T14:39:00.001-06:00

Delivery. When it was actually time to push I didn't quite know what to do or how to do it. Like I said earlier, Lindsey and Kim (delivery nurse, Lisa, got off before I delivered) had me do a couple of practice pushes. It was just totally surreal.

All the years that we had been trying so hard for a baby and all the years I had dreamed of just that very moment, well it was all about to happen. I don't know what to compare it to. Life was changing and changing drastically and dramatically...all in a good way!

So Dr. B came in and we started! There is nothing that will kill your modesty faster than being spread eagle in front of a crowd. However, I lost my modesty long ago when I had 2 to 3 fertility treatments in a week. Ok, on to the details...I think I started pushing around 7:45 or so.

Looking back and after talking with Lindsey, the first 15 minutes I pushed with my face. I couldn't feel anything. I did feel pressure but it didn't hurt at all. I just felt like I was about to have a very satisfying bowel movement. (gross I know but if you have always been constipated, you know what I mean). Ha!!

At 8:06 Dawson's head crowned. Dr. B was playing with his hair and said, "well, the hair was born at 8:06". Ha. Nurse Kim was cracking me up. Holding your breath and counting to ten in three different intervals is HARD work!!!! I would run out of air before we reached 6 and I was hoping I wouldn't pass out! Lol.

A few times I just burst out laughing because Kim would say, "Ok, ready? Deep breath...and push...". Then she would pause for a few seconds and start counting to 10. Lol. Before she got to the number 6 I would already be finished counting to 10. I would lose my breath at that point cause I burst out laughing.

One thing I didn't anticipate was the time between contractions. After I finished my third 10 second set of pushes, we just waited for a minute or two just shooting the breeze before the next contraction hit. Lol. That was a little strange. Ha.

Also it was so bright in there! I felt that I needed sunglasses! All of this was caught in photos. My friend, Angi, was there taking pictures. I think she got a ton. I haven't seen them but as soon as I get the link, I will share it.

So, at 8:25 pm all the staff told me that I had one big push left...and bam...Dawson was here!!! I felt like I was in a movie! Dr. B raised him up and he was just gray and slimy but absolutely beautiful and perfect.

Dawson didn't cry and I remember asking if that was ok. They said it was fine and Matt cut the cord and then they placed him on my chest. Angi got a wonderful picture of that moment. Dawson was looking at me like, really? Lol

It was such a sweet moment. I was so in awe of what just happened and the miracle, the actual miracle, was laying on my chest! And at that very moment as we were ooo'ing and gooo'ing over him, he decided to pee all down my tummy. What a sweet moment... Lol!!!

Matt did so good. He was beside me the whole time. He was so engaged in the whole process. He watched even!!!!! He did get a little woozy when the placenta was delivered. He really wasn't supposed to watch that or at least that was his intentions not to.

I tore just a little. I had one loopy stitch and then I was good to go!

What a crazy experience! Looking back a week later, I would have 10 more kids if I could!!!

I will write more about our hospital stay and post pictures in a couple days. Also I have to update on our first week at home. I hope I can get totally updated on Monday!!!

We are home...delivery story part 2!

2010-11-09T11:30:00.000-06:00

I think I have a little time to update. Let me start with part 2 of the delivery. I think I stopped with the epidural part...

The epidural was interesting. The first part was painful...I jumped and flinched during the deadening stage...but, wow, the epidural was amazing. I did have a little hot spot from the middle of my groin down my right leg. I was mainly positioned on my left side...at this point I can't remember why. lol. The drugs really really really were wonderful. The anesthesiologist came back through because we couldn't get the hot spot deadened and after she was through with me...I was good to go.

I cannot tell you how wonderful the staff is at St. Vincent. The facilities are great and the nurses, staff and support staff were just always on top of things (I never had to ask for anything...they anticipated every need!!!)

Anyway, right after the epidural, I was turned to my right side and that is when the problems started. I didn't really know what was going on but I had some different nurses come in and they were having trouble with Dawson's heart rate. It was scary because Dawson was in distress! The nurses were very professional and I was trying not to read into the direct stares at each other and the curtness of them barking orders to each other. I was repositioned back to my left side and his heart rate went to normal.

I don't know how long it was really...from the time the first dip of his heart rate happened...from the time we delivered...it was really a blur.

I think I was dilated to a "5" at this point and we were preparing for a long night (Dr. B said that he thought it was going to be well into the night). Nice! Matt and I rested for about an hour and then the scare happened.

I think we just had a few people in the room (again it is a blur) but nurses came in (at least three) and started barking orders for everyone to get out of the room and that is when all heck broke loose in my world. Since the last scare, Matt and I were intently listening to Dawson's heartrate. Any dip or skip or anything in the rythem we were about to freak. Soooo...at this point, the nurses had to put a monitor directly on Dawson's little head. I don't know what they used...a screw or tack or something...but they had to physically go up in me and attach the monitor to him to make sure we had a reading at all times. Dr. B came back in and checked and I was dilated to a "7" but I was pretty much on stand by for an emergency c-section just in case Dawson was in more distress. After they got him back normal, everyone left the room and I just started crying. Matt prayed over us and (don't tell him) but he was crying too. It was a really scary few hours.

So, I think it was around 6 pm at this point and I was at a "7". Dr. B wanted to see how I progressed in his next round before we decided on the c-section (and of course if something happened with Dawson). From 6-7 pm, from Dr. B's next set of rounds, I had dilated to a 9.5 (thanks, Lindsey, for checking). And, Lindsey said that Dawson's head was like "right there". Dr. B said that all looked good to go ahead and try vaginally. (thank goodness). However, I didn't care what he had to do...cut him out, saw him out, I just wanted him out and safe.

They began prepping me for pushing...I was just in a daze...excited, scared, you name it. I remember the lights being SO bright and I just couldn't believe the pregnancy chapter of our lives was just about over.

Part 3 to come...

Dawson is here! (part one)

2010-11-05T07:31:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was a little busier than I first anticipated...I am probably going to do this in parts. It depends on how well Dawson keeps sleeping. OK, I just decided I will do these in parts. It is taking longer than I thought and I am stinking tired :-) This post will be up through the epidural...but here is a sneak peek at the little guy... (I did not proof this entry - so forgive the errors)

It was definitely an experience with one too many complications for my blood. Matt took my phone away and wouldn't let me on the computer after 9 am. so that is why we are just now updating. I'm reclining and loving my ice packs.

The day started with Matt and I still up. He didn't get a lick of sleep and I got about 2 hours. We headed to the hospital and got there around 6:30. I checked in and they had me changed and had the pitocin dripping by 7 am. I was still sitting at 2-3 dilated - WTC! I just knew I was progressing more.

I felt fine until about 9:30. My friend/nurse, Lindsey, came early got me all hooked up and went to her class...THANK YOU, Lindsey. She left me in the capable hands of her momma/mentor, Lisa. She is WONDERFUL! Thank you, Lisa! She made me feel right at home and in good hands. Lisa came in and upped my piotcin drip five times and that is when I started feeling some of the contractions. I started getting quiet...it was funny. Well, now it was. I was chatty cathy until the contractions hit and then I was just concentrating when one hit. I think I got a little irritable. lol. I know I did.

At about 10 am I asked for something to take the edge off. I hadn't seen the doc yet so I couldn't get an epidural yet...he was due in at around noon on his lunch break! UGH! lol. I was not happy. Lisa gave me Stadol and WHOA. It knocked me on my boo-tay. I slept really well for about two hours and it took me the rest of the day to get out of my loopy state. It was GREAT to help me sleep but dang, I had a hard time focusing and not trying to sleep the rest of the day.

So, the nurses told me that my doc would be around on his lunch (at this point I have not seen him). I slept until he got there and was really groggy when he got there. He checked me and I was at a 4 and was about 80% effaced so he broke my water at this point. He asked me when I wanted the epidural and I said NOW and he said OK. I got my epidural pretty immediately after that. But first...

YUCK YUCK YUCK, him breaking my water. OK, that was disgusting. I was soaked...when doing the epidural it ran everywhere...ugh ugh ugh. I kept complaining...it is running down my legs! YUCK. I think I had a little more fluid than normal because of the gestational diabetes.

So many things....

2010-11-04T01:08:00.000-05:00

There are so many emotions running through my mind. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

I have officially started nesting. I think it is more of my procrastination panic adrenaline mode going on. It is almost one and I have done all my body can physically do but my mind won't shut off.

The dogs sense something is majorly amiss and they will not leave my side. Especially Zach.

I cannot grasp what my body will go through tomorrow. I really don't want to think about the watermelon that is going to be pushed through a tiny hole. I'm ready to see him so I hope that means my body will be ready too.

I asked my mom to bring her laptop up to the hospital tomorrow so I can blog from there. I'm anticipating a long day and hopefully I will be somewhat pain free. I do have a story to tell about my OB clinic calling me at 4:30 pm asking me to reschedule my induction. Yea, they certainly did call me and ask me if I had made big plans for today...I wanted to say nah I just figured I'd show up with a pair of underwear and not plan anything. Anyway, I'll explain later.

It is the 4th of November. I will have Dawson today and my world will be forever different. So many emotions are inside me. He is moving around as a type. I will miss him squirming inside me.

Please pray for a fast and easy delivery. I will post a bunch of pictures and details as soon as I can!! Thank you for being on this journey. I will feel everyone's love and presence in the delivery room. I love you all!

30 hours from now.

2010-11-03T00:32:00.000-05:00

In about 30 hours Matt and I will leave our house for the last time as a family of two. It still hasn't registered in my mind that we will be holding our miracle on Thursday. He will literally be in our arms and I will be able to kiss him and love him and breathe in his little baby smell!

I still think about our long infertilty journey all the time and how we were blessed. I don't know why we were chosen to have this little guy but I know God has a special plan for him. I am beyond blessed and will never take it for granted. Never.

I haven't let myself go to the actual birth process yet. I'm afraid he is going to be a big big baby and I just don't want difficulty having him. I know I have a huge support system and with being almost 35 and having my first kid, I know I have a very large group of women who can help me through the questions.

I'm rambling now so I will sign off for now. I will type more tomorrow and put my last thoughts down before my life changes forever.

Naps are amazing

2010-11-02T16:56:00.000-05:00

I have slept more in the last two days than the last month!!! Woo hoo! Only down side is that I'm not getting stuff done! I've done nothing! Oh well, it will get done or it won't.

I had some harder contractions all last night. They were not regular but much more painful than any ones I've had. I also had constant lower ab pain and back pain. I was better when I woke though. Oh well it is part of the process.

I'm going to try to get some stuff done tonight...try I say...try.

Anyway, we are still on for Thursday.

The countdown begins

2010-11-01T05:55:00.000-05:00

I'm up early cause I can't really sleep. It's really not a big deal I have been up a lot during this time of the night. Matt gets frustrated because I can't sleep if I wake up around this time but I'm usually up a few hours before I can go back to sleep. This time he turned the heat up high and I woke up sweating...ugh. I cannot sleep if I am hot!!!

I'm going to just enjoy the quiet time for the next few days. This time on Thursday we will be getting ready to head to the hospital. It seems crazy that the time has come! Our little miracle will be here. I'm not really nervous about birth or anything. I'm anxious and it will be the most insane experience of our lives. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and count his fingers and toes and see what color hair he has and see if he has Matt's skin color! I just want him healthy and here!!!

I need to do a few other things and then we are ready. I need to go grocery shopping, run to Babies R Us for a few last minute things, put the finishing touches on the nursery, clean my kitchen and make some space for Dawson's stuff, clean my bathroom and get the guest bedroom ready for our cousin, Nick, who will be watching the boys while we are at the hospital. Yikes, when I typed it out it seemed more than I thought!!!!

Ok, I'm going to try to try to get some rest. Matt will be up in a few minutes anyway and maybe I will fall right to sleep! Maybe! I will continue to keep updates on here!!