Well, the last four years have been eye opening. Reflection is a priceless form of experience. My take on many things have changed. Changed to the cynical...
My take on marriage was even lax when I was married. Naive - I had no idea what I was getting into; and it terrifies me to think about getting married again. I do want to get married, have a godly man living in the home for D and for me; someone that shares my likes and dislikes and us make each other laugh. I want there to be true depth - intimacy - not just sex (which, never mind, doesn't put a damper on it) but the true intimacy of really knowing someone. The good the bad and the ugly.
There are so many temptations out there - I never knew about them until what happened to me - I was so naive as to what could destroy my marriage. The smallest of fetishes turned into HUGE addictions that became more important than my marriage...and my marriage plus a newborn. It was a huge slap in the face and to my ego.
My prayer is for marriages to stay away from all of that stuff. It may seem simple and innocent because it is in the confines of marriage...but it is only a gateway to a horrid sinful world. I urge you to pray before you start dabbling into stuff within your marriage - because eventually it is not enough and that's where hearts and minds go astray.
It is devastating especially to those who are completely naive and caught blindsided.
Pray for your marriage - I don't care how strong it is - pray for your marriage. Pray for your husband to be the godly man your family needs - that your children needs.
I know I feel a piece of me is missing trying to raise D. Not "him" being the missing piece but someone being the missing piece that completes our family. I don't know if I will have the opportunity to have a second chance at marriage; I truly hope I do, but I will have my eyes wide open and protect my marriage with my life depending on it.
Just keep your eyes open - please. Confront it immediately, if it doesn't stop, go to a solid couple in your church or your pastor, if it still doesn't change - you know you have tried every avenue to make it work.