Sunday, January 11, 2015

Yesterday

It has been a hard weekend.  Yesterday, the 10th, was a year since my dad died.  A year.  I can't believe it.

It's funny how people grieve differently...SO differently.  I grieve by not talking about it or talking about it awhile while it is happening (I just want it out of sight out of mind).  My mom wants to talk about it - hash and rehash - not that that is wrong.  It is just her way of grieving.  It has caused more than a few arguments. :-)

I learned a long time ago that my mind cannot handle playing the "what if" game or the "If only he were here" game.  THAT drives me INSANE.  I obsess over it until that is all I think about.  I'm trying to learn to accept and move ahead as best as I can.  Not that I don't want to remember him or want to erase him from my memory; but to dwell on the horribleness will drive me crazy.

I want to be a good mom for D and a survivor for mom...and it is tough.

D is pretty wise for his age.  He asks so many questions about Poppa...that he wants to fly to heaven and see him...in a helicopter...but he has to drive.  He asked me other the day when he was going to heaven and I said "not anytime soon, I'm sure.  I'm sure I'll go way before you"  DUMB BUTTON!  He teared up and said "I don't want to go alone...or who is going to go with me?".  I told him I would go with him (Jesus will come back before that right?).  He remembered watching Jurassic Park with dad (I think D was 18 months old)...he loved the dinosaurs but it was on and I said Jurassic Park and he yelled I watched that with poppa!!!!!!

I hate he won't remember him.  I know dad would get so tickled at his personality now.  He is such a mess.

Today D wanted to paint my toenails and nails...and I told him he would have to go paint Nana's (ha) and Nana said No Dawson - Dawson said, "BUT NANA YOURS ISN'T PRETTY ENOUGH!!!" Stinker.

Love you dad...miss you...I'll always be your Lucy.