Friday, January 30, 2015

Unglued

I have the privilege of having a four year old in my bed tonight.  He wanted to sleep with ME and not his NANA - take that NANA!  Yet, this loving boy is a sprawling, magnetic bed hog that makes it tough to sleep peacefully or to sleep at all.  And.  I. Love. It.  Right now he is trying to put his feet on me and push on me - stinker.

The ladies in our church, GracePoint, have started our next devotional called "unglued".  Digging into this bible study is really bringing up some painful memories.  If you remember, my first blog was about infertility and showing my ovaries after surgery - I had promised to be honest throughout the entire blog - well, it didn't turn out the way I had planned and  well, "it came all up unglued".

At this point I would have guessed we would have at least one more child and maybe another on the way and I would be blogging about all of that...instead I get the "stop in your tracks" blog plot.  Wow...what do a write about now?

Besides making the best decisions I could make for D and me, I didn't land me here.  I'm in a foreign world - it's like being single again but with a child...that sounded stupid but think about it - it is life changing and I have been more unglued than glued these past five years.  The journey leading to now is almost as long as we were married (7 years).  One day I'll open up about that journey but I'm going to pick up with the aftermath.  Wow, it has almost been the same amount of time.

I can tell you divorce is not ideal - not at all - but you do what you can to make it work and if two people are not on the same page and refuse to be on the same page, then well, there is only one road to take.

I am out of the "fog" of the journey - it has taken so long for me to get here.  I feel like some one just jump started my heart again.  I am in no man's land however I know it is perfect for me.   My work is seasonal (which I love them) but it's not a permanent career or position.  After June, who knows where I'll end up - It is CRAZY to think that with all the unglued aspects of my life I STILL fit snuggly in the palm of God's hand.  I feel safe in the grand scheme of things but decisions, changes, adulthood (yes, I'm way into adulthood....39) well, those variables unglue me.  My steady hand suddenly becomes a shaking mess; my calm colon, all of a sudden, decides "Lisa is nervous...it's time";  and those butterflies or vultures in my stomach?  There is no Pepcid, no Pepto, no Mylanta...nothing that can calm me.  I MUST DO THIS.  The whole purpose of this bible series is "Who's team am I on?"  Am I for God?  Am, I really on the team or am I a spy per se sitting on the fence jumping this way and that.

I vow to always ask "Am I on God's team?"  If I do then I will always be "protected" - sort of like the mafia "eh, you got friends - no? well, uh, we can give you, sort of, well, some protection" - in my best New Jersey accent.

1.  I have a mighty Rock to stand on
2.  I can hide in his wings
3.  He has already won the battle
4.  I don't have to do anything but stand
5.  He gives me a partner for the journey, the Holy Spirit
6.  The Holy Spirit gives me direction and peace for my journey
7.  He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me
8.  I am the apple of his eye (yes, even me)
9.  He will provide what I need when I need it
10.  He has promised me a heavenly home so bright and fair.

That's how I must stay glued together.  I know God is with me all the time even though half the time I don't recognize it with my blonde, quirky, froot loop ways - "what, who me?"  Ugh.

I'm here.  God placed me here.  He let my feet be planted here for a season and I must grow and produce much fruit - bloom where I am planted.  The first few sprouts maybe thorny and ugly (to get all the ugly out) but I promise a great harvest will happen.   My fruit, God's fruit, will help me feed His people...through a long road of singleness...to the infidelity of marriage....to six years infertility, miscarriage, divorce, father dying, being in deep depression and also dealing with anxiety - God will use it.  It is solid.  It is a solid back story - a very hurtful one - but, I hope, powerful to some.  I can and will do this with God and God alone.

Ok, it's late.  "May the odds be ever in your favor" - Yea, I want to go see Mockingjay :-)  That had nothing to do with the above.

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