Saturday, March 16, 2013

Life today

Most days I wake up and have to shake the fuzz out of my mind...I wake up alone (minus a 2.5 year old bed-hogger). Alone. Just like that. I have done so good trying to heal and get my feet back on the ground...but here lately it has been emotionally agonizing.

I look at my little dimpled ham and think "what have I done?" Divorce was never in my vocabulary. Never! Until one day that was the only option I had. The only biblical option I had...besides murder but that isn't biblical.

Dawson is growing up with a single mom. I try my best to wrestle and play ball but the daily presence of his dad not being in the home breaks my heart.

I pictured Dawson running in our bedroom on a Saturday morning and jumping on the bed to wake us...I pictured looking out the window and seeing D and his dad playing in the yard. All these dreams shattered. D will be split in so many ways. I am extremely and royally pissed that he will have this whole other life with his other family (and, while I used to be a solid and loved member)...I am now excluded by circumstances.

This family was my family before the marriage and I actually became a part of them. I miss the get togethers. I miss saying SIL and BIL and nephew. I'm in the twilight limbo zone and that crushes an already damaged heart. My MIL has been amazing. Amazing. I'm so blessed to have her. She has been one of the only ones who has kept her arms open for me.

Time does help but so many random daily sayings or happenings bring me back to a marriage/family feeling and then whoosh...cold water gets thrown in my face and I jolt back to reality....alone.

This week I was told that he has been seeing someone (for quite awhile). I literally felt like I had been drop-kicked in the chest. It is the most numbing feeling to know that another woman has the only man I have ever known. I've been easily replaced like the last 8 years were nothing. Reality hit that I will eventually have to keep a healthy relationship with the replacement because she will have influence over my son. My miracle baby. The biggest ocean waves of nausea continue in me even as a type.

Sorry for the dump of information. This new reality is just overwhelming and agonizing. Don't get me wrong. I know I made the right biblical decision for D and for me but it is still equally devastating.

Well, I have my D and he has been my reason to get out of bed.

-All my best, Lisa

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