Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I will rise

I have an overactive imagination.  If I see something, dream something or hear something my imagination and thoughts go into overdrive.  Each thought gains momentum until my brain is going 90 to nothing...then I can't get a grip on the out of control feelings and thoughts and unfortunately they have already overheated my engine (my heart).

My overheated heart overwhelms me and it then produces despair and dread.  I absolutely hate these times.  When in the midst of it, I cannot distinguish what feeling is real and what feeling is an overactive one.

I have begun the journey of finding myself.  I had to make the decision to truly move ahead and let go of the past.  It is insane how gravity pulls your desire to move on back to the pit - ya know?  I feel that my feet are strapped to a ton of bricks in the pit and no matter how much I try to elevate myself out...I just never make any progress.

I wish emotional healing was as easy as healing from a cut or a scrape...clean it off, pour a little hydrogen peroxide on it, apply antibiotic cream and then slap a band aid on it.  How do you heal wounded hearts?  Badly bruised self-esteem and confidence?  You can't take a pill and take away pain.  There is no easy remedy for broken trust.

I have wallowed long enough.  I am comfortable here.  I can keep my past close and keep my future closer and not have to work hard for any of it.  My feet feel strapped to those massive bricks and as much as I stretch to the sky to get out of the pit...I just don't get any where...futile, pointless, useless.  I am held captive by my past, feelings and the death of my ruined future.  I knew how great my marriage could have been...I saw it...and believed in it...but it got sick and died.  And here I stand, trapped.

My freedom journey began this weekend.  My heart needs healing, my self confidence needs a boost and the straps binding my feet to the past destruction need to be cut.  I have recognized this and I see that I need to become healthy again.  It seems like the most impossible thing in the world.  I truly don't see how I am going to be able to do it.  But, I do know that God's word says that "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26.  Anything is possible.  Anything.  My heart being healed is possible and rising out of the pit is possible.  I guess this is what we call Blind Faith...I know it's there...but I cannot see it...I hear the word...but I am dreadfully skeptical it will work "for me".

So here's to my journey - I will rise.  The Chris Tomlin song "I will rise" was a huge testimony to me while I was pregnant with D.  I remember driving to work from Conway and hearing that song on the straight stretch right before you get into Maumelle.  Bawling and claiming "There's a Peace I've come to know - though my heart and flesh may fail".

OK, that's how I'm feeling today - thoughts are going nuts...feelings are off the charts...all the while trying to "fix my eyes on Jesus - the Author and Finisher of my faith." Hebrews 12:2.

No comments: