Saturday, May 12, 2012

??

Just emotional tonight.  So many things racing through my mind and so many emotions rolling through my heart.  I truly don't know where my new emotional "normal" is.

One thing I have enjoyed is my quiet time at night.  I usually keep the TV off and just sit.  It has been one full year since I asked to separate.  It feels like forever.

I am so very thankful for so many things.  My home.  My parents & brother.  My boys.  My Kizzy Kitty.  My Career.  My washer & dryer (yes, I still love them).  My very comfortable mattresses.  My vehicle.  My huge garage (which I need to clean out)...and, of course, My D.

This weekend is mother's day...and I remember a time where I worried so much about "what if I never become a mom?".  My heart broke when pastors would ask all the moms to stand up and be recognized and I had to stay seated.  Some sweet old saint of a lady would hand me the gift given to all moms when they left the sanctuary and say "well, we had some left over"...Sigh.

Motherhood is so much more than just a title or responsbility...it is a state of mind.  I'm still in shock and awe when my mind drifts into "randomness" mode and when I snap back to the present I'm like, WHOA, I have a baby.  Yes, I still do that several times a week.  I have to remember on these late quiet nights that I have a little miracle boy in the other room just flopping and flipping around in his bed.

Yea, motherhood is definitely not what I thought it would be - it is 100% better but also challenging and stressful all rolled in one.  I question everything I do...am I feeding him enough?  should I say "no" more?  how should I handle this situation?  what if I am teaching him wrong? 

I'm so thankful to be a mom.  I'm so thankful to be D's mom.  Poor kiddo has to put up with me for the rest of my life.  I just want him to know, he has made me whole and complete again - he occupies everything in my heart and MORE.  If I had the choice to go back and change the past, I wouldn't change a thing if it meant I would still get D.  No heartache or shattered future or disappointment could EVER trump my love for this guy.  I'm so blessed to be his mom...I'm so blessed that God gave me this little guy.  Thank you, Jesus, for D!

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