Monday, March 26, 2012

My new normal...

It's actually harder to simplify than I thought.  My new normal feels very abnormal to me. My only constant is D...everything else is variable.

I have all these thoughts, to-do lists, projects, feelings and such flying around in my head and it is just flat impossible to prioritize and get started.  I'm stuck.  Really, truly I am.  I thrive on juggling my life...I thrive on lists and projects...but wow, I truly am struggling with the new "me" right now.

I have been lonely before...but this is a new lonely.  I am lonely for myself and for D.  I love having a sibling...and D most likely will never have a sibling.  I know what it is like to have a large extended family...D will only know a small portion of ours.  The thought of D not having an in house male role model just really breaks my heart.  I don't know why but I don't want him to resent me for being a woman and not being able to go play tackle football or just toss around the ball. 

I look to my future and 20-30 years from now I could only have brother and D.  D will be married and hopefully have kids of his own...but where will he live?  Girls are more likely to come back "home" to their parents or to their mom.  It just scares me.  I don't want to be alone.

I don't know, I guess a pity party is inevitable once and awhile.  Cheers.

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