Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Just like yesterday....

It feels like it was just yesterday when I woke up full of hope that the baby I was carrying could make it to full term...

Only to be squashed because I began spotting the morning of my doctor's appointment.  Sadly enough, I went alone and faced the horrible news of "we can't find a heart beat".  I struggled to keep my composure.  Dr. B was so very nice and understanding.  He escorted me down the hall and into his office and tried to best explain away what happened.  All I kept hearing was "no heartbeat"..."no baby"...My heart was broken.  My body was betraying me because my hormone levels were style "high" enough to be considered pregnant even though there was "no heartbeat".  I still had nausea and other symptoms and it felt like a cruel joke my body was playing on me. 

I went home devastated.  I remember curling in a ball on the bed and just losing it.  I cried and cried and cried.  I consoled myself and bravely got up the next day to "repeat" the previous day.  Dr. B had to do more tests to MAKE SURE there was not a heartbeat.  It was so very disheartening to see the painfully still ultrasound screen and hearing Dr. B say...no, we still cannot find a heartbeat.  I tried to soak in that little screen...the black and white picture of my little one who I will never get to hold and love and kiss this side of heaven.  I asked Dr. B if he could take pictures and he said certainly...I have five little ultrasound pictures left of my first little angel.

I do have my little man now...but my heart will always ache for and yearn for that first little one too.  It just seems so unfair looking back. 

However, tomorrow I will celebrate both my babies tomorrow...Baby #1 and Baby D...they are both my angels.

2 comments:

Just Jiff said...

*Hugs*

cagrlasu said...

Hugs to you. :( I feel your pain. For some reason today I pulled up our son Devon's ultrsound video. We saw his perfect little heartbeat at 7 weeks 3 days but at 11 weeks I started spotting and went in for a check up. No heartbeat, Devon was gone. :'( I often wonder if those painful memories will ever escape my mind. Even though I am a mom now I will never forget the 8 babies I have lost. Sendin gyou big hugs! Your little man is such a cutie!!