Friday, August 05, 2011

Frumpy

I feel completely frumpy.  Frumpy.  Yes, Frumpy.  I've never been a "sharp" dresser or a someone who was much of a trendsetter.  Even if I had stylish clothes, I never felt I "looked" good in them.  I always felt (and still do feel) that I'm trying too hard and I look stupid in them.

Even in school, I would do stupid crazy idiotic stuff like get yellow hightop Reebok's or wear two different colored socks or put my bangs up in a tiny fountain pony tail on my head just to be different so people wouldn't look at ME the REAL me.  My friends made fun of me and the pony tail on my head - my teacher, Mrs. Holliman, actually made a little bird and she attached the bird on top of the fountain with a paper clip (like a bird bath).  Yes, I would go out of my way to keep people's eyes off of me....you know, the REAL me.

Boy, I am digging deep today. 

Growing up I was pretty tomboyish though I secretly wanted to be dainty and girly.  I wanted boys to see me as someone they wanted to protect not someone they wanted to tackle and play rough with.  Well, I was always more boyish than girly so why not play the part?  I especially remember one day in the fifth grade that I wanted my hair to look like a certain way...in a good way not a "put a bird in my fountain" way...and it turned out to be a disaster.  I parted and combed my hair over to one side thinking it would look cute.  My hair was and is VERY fine and it did not stay styled well AT ALL.  So, I had to plaster it with hair spray to make it stay.  By first recess, it was looking horrible and coming "unstyled" and the massive amounts of hairspray made it look greasy.  Yuck, I remember going into the bathroom and just wanting to go home sick because it looked so bad.  So much for me trying to style it!  I don't remember anyone saying anything or making fun of me but I saw me for what I truly looked like and it looked HORRID!

I remember another time when I was in the 8th grade at an away basketball game.  Our junior high girls and boys had already played and we were up in the stands watching the senior girls play.  Somehow the 9th grade boys sitting in front of me starting talking about my cousin who was a senior and about how good looking she was (she was playing ball on the court).  (Now, these guys were friends and are still friends with me today and I truly believe they didn't mean this ugly or hateful...it was just said in a matter of fact way).  They started making fun of girls with mustaches...well, I had one but it was blonde but if you looked real close you could tell I had a nice one....well, they pointed out my mustache (probably because they were jealous they couldn't grow one that thick) and started making fun of me...well, I blurted out...well, my cousin has one!  And, they said and I quote..."Yeah, but she's gorgeous!".  Ouch. 

So, not only could I not style my hair....I was now "NOT gorgeous".  Sigh...let me get a tissue.  No, I am resigned to the fact that I was never the first, second or even third person a guy looked at.  The only thing I really had going for me was that I had somewhat of a personality (not the best one but I could at least carry on a conversation)...however, I don't have much personality these days. 

The only time I truly felt beautiful in this entire world was when I was 30+ weeks pregnant.  For those 9 weeks before Dawson was born...I felt like a rock star.  Don't ask me why.  I don't know if it was the cute maternity clothes I had?  Or just that I had an amazing miracle inside of me and nothing else mattered?  IDK. 

So, to date I have gained my weight back from having D (yes I was down 20+ pounds pre-D after D was born)....I'm trying to make myself look better and I see all these cute clothes and styles and cute figures and well, here I stand the frumpy one.  So, I crack jokes and talk about my big arms and wide flat butt and triple chins just to let people know that I am fully aware of how I look...does that make sense?  To me, there is nothing more embarrassing than thinking something about yourself and you have totally missed the mark...ya know?  Feeling like you look like a rock star and you really look like a big gray frumpy rock....ya know?

Anyway, I am in a weird stage in my life...feeling horrible about myself and feeling very frumpy and dowdy and drab.  Did that help the demise of my marriage?  Was I just not what a man wanted?  One thing "he" would always say to me was "you are beautiful to me"...I wanted him to say "Lisa, you are beautiful period!"...not "I'm sorry, but all my friends and family and the world thinks you are really plain jane ugly, but TO ME you are beautiful".  I don't know, I just didn't want to hear that. 

So, this post is going nowhere besides me wanting to go home and crawl in bed.

I want D to be proud of his mom and not embarrassed of her.  I want him to look back in pictures and say "wow, mom you were and are still pretty!!".  I avoid pictures at all cost.  I really truly have the figure of a weeble wobble!  Seriously!  I need a tummy tuck and the fat suctioned out of my butt, arms and under my chin....I type this as I eat junk food for lunch...

Such a vicious cycle.  Anyway...have a nice day!!!  LOL.

4 comments:

Liz said...

Lisa I do not think it is embarrassing at all when a curvacious woman embraces that and wears stylish clothes. I believe you could do that. You would have to stop putting down the body God gave you, though. One of my new favorite commercials is the Fruit of the Loom commercial "flawless." I struggled my whole life with the same - feeling ugly. I remember some football players at OBU sitting behind me in a class, calling me a "dog." That was nice, and reinforced everything I already believed about myself. I remember thinking, when a guy was looking at me and smiling, that he must be laughing at me inside for being ugly/fat. That is so Satan. Once I realized that it was indeed Satan, it was very freeing for me. I don't know what I'm trying to say except that I know how you feel, and I pray that the Lord will bring you through it. That you will embrace what you have, buy clothes and makeup that make you feel beautiful, and stop putting yourself down. Confidence is the most attractive quality. There are all kinds of beautiful, and you are definitely that.

Just Jiff said...

Wow. This post just floored me. I went to high school with you and I remember how I envied you. You were cute, popular, and had a lot of friends. I always thought you were pretty and I'm stunned to know that you never felt pretty.

I don't want to sound like a freak, but I remember sitting in GATE seeing how you made people laugh. You were the person I wanted to be. I guess when I started reading your blog, I secretly still wanted you to like me. Sad that I still sort of think the way I did back then, huh?

Anyway, you ARE gorgeous -- inside and out. Pregnancy has a way of making you feel like a rockstar and I'm glad you felt it then, even though you should feel it all the time.

Kristie Young said...

Girl I know exactly how you feel. The media has made it so hard for someone to feel pretty if they are not a size 0. which is not realistic at all. I look in the mirror and dont like what I see and know others must not as well. Its hard being a women but when you had hormonal problems to that well you might as well just except that you will never be small ya know. I wonder at times why God made me the way he did and all I can say is he has a funny sense of humor :) I think are you beautiful Lisa!

Alaea said...

Lisa,

Firstly, I apologize for missing quite a bit...I'm praying for you hon, for all you're dealing with.

I completely understand your feelings...I have lived in this state of mind for 32 years now...
Like others, I always thought you were really pretty and sweet...so there is a part of me that is in a bit of disbelief, but again, I've been in the exact same state of mind my whole life...so I understand ^_^

You have so much going on right now in your personal life, and even if you don't feel like it may, your mental stresses and strains are affecting how your body handles things...(I lost like 50 pounds after I went through my first divorce...gained 30 after the second...) As things settle down (however they may do so) you'll hopefully be able to make the adjustments that will allow you to find a comfortable place. I finally started losing some weight this year...and I'm hoping that'll accelerate as the year continues...
if you ever need an ear, I have two... and again I'll keep you and baby D in my prayers!!