Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Contemplating...

Life never happens they way you expect it to or how you think it will turn out.  Never.  I'm learning that the hard way.

I used to think I was fearless...but I'm not.  Life used to be so much simpler...but it isn't. Life isn't turning out the way I had pictured or planned.  I am struggling with many things.  I am struggling with "life after infertility".  I am struggling with life period.  Things are really complicated right now and my only constant and my only "light" in this dark world is D.  I see his smiling face and he makes me want to do better and to be stronger.

To be a little transparent and vague, our marriage has been very difficult and complicated the last year.  I have found a counselor that I am going to go see.  I'm finding it difficult to sort through my thoughts and feelings and I really need a third party to do that.  I HATE things that I cannot change and right now there is a lot of unrest and anger and bitterness and hatred flowing through me.  I don't like the "ME" that I have become or the circumstances that I have allowed me to get where I am.  I have become cynical and jaded and I never thought I would be the person I am now.

I am so thankful for D and so thankful for that little gummy grin and deep belly laugh giggle he gives me.  I love the joy he brings to me and to my life.  I am terrified to think of where I would be if I had not had the opportunity to have D and that third round of IVF didn't take.  I am truly terrified.  D has gotten me through the last year and a half and I know God knew I needed him.

I have been contemplating writing a book.  I don't know who would read it but believe you me I have enough content to connect with a lot of folks out there even beyond the fertility world.  I want to tell my story but I would have to really divulge many things and I am not ready for that...and do I want D to one day read it?   I am praying about it and praying about our future.

God is definitely speaking to me but with all the "noise" in my life I cannot for the life of me hear him.  I don't know how to turn off all the noise.  I am slammed with work right now and for the first time in a long time am completely and utterly overwhelmed at what's to come.

I feel so torn...wanting and hoping for a future but dreading it in the same way.  Yes, I am being vague.  Sorry, I can't get into details.  I am tired of being a decision maker.  Life is HARD.  I think every curve ball that life can throw has been thrown at me in the last year and a half.  Literally.  Dawson pushes me forward on this hard road...he deserves my best...and he will get it.

5 comments:

Sean and Lendy said...

my dear friend...you have my complete and deepest prayers today. know that there is a "sister" in Texas who has walked this road and knows the exhaustion, frustration, anger, heartache and total blur that is your world right now. Cling to what you know and our God will see your through...much love.

Anonymous said...

"I feel so torn...wanting and hoping for a future but dreading it in the same way." Wow! You have just described the exact way I am feeling. I feel like I could have written that whole post. I am having "life after infertility" issues and the last year of my marriage has been difficult due to my husband getting sick. I literally feel the weight on my shoulders getting heavier every day and thank God for my girl who helps me get through this. It is weird that you wrote this today because I literally had an all out crying, ranting, why me, breakdown (what I like to call an adult tantrum) yesterday and wondered if I am strong enough to survive this trying time in my life. Then I read your post today and it made me realize that I am not the only one with struggles and makes me feel less alone. I can't say I know exactly how you feel because I don't know your situation, but I know your words hit home with me and I will pray for you and hope things get better for you.

Ashley said...

Praying for you Lisa. May God take control and give you the answers that you need.

lmashe81 said...

Praying for you! Praying that God helps you, walks with your, and carries you down the road you are on. Praying that he give you peace to make the decisions you need to.

Just Jiff said...

Marriage is not easy even when there isn't "noise" around. And being a mom isn't easy. The first year after Bayley was born was the hardest for Joe and me. We have been through a LOT and I was Mommy first, then wife second. I had to learn a lot about being both at the same time.
I hope the counseling helps you and Matt. And I hope that you find a way to turn down the noise. :)