Life never happens they way you expect it to or how you think it will turn out. Never. I'm learning that the hard way.
I used to think I was fearless...but I'm not. Life used to be so much simpler...but it isn't. Life isn't turning out the way I had pictured or planned. I am struggling with many things. I am struggling with "life after infertility". I am struggling with life period. Things are really complicated right now and my only constant and my only "light" in this dark world is D. I see his smiling face and he makes me want to do better and to be stronger.
To be a little transparent and vague, our marriage has been very difficult and complicated the last year. I have found a counselor that I am going to go see. I'm finding it difficult to sort through my thoughts and feelings and I really need a third party to do that. I HATE things that I cannot change and right now there is a lot of unrest and anger and bitterness and hatred flowing through me. I don't like the "ME" that I have become or the circumstances that I have allowed me to get where I am. I have become cynical and jaded and I never thought I would be the person I am now.
I am so thankful for D and so thankful for that little gummy grin and deep belly laugh giggle he gives me. I love the joy he brings to me and to my life. I am terrified to think of where I would be if I had not had the opportunity to have D and that third round of IVF didn't take. I am truly terrified. D has gotten me through the last year and a half and I know God knew I needed him.
I have been contemplating writing a book. I don't know who would read it but believe you me I have enough content to connect with a lot of folks out there even beyond the fertility world. I want to tell my story but I would have to really divulge many things and I am not ready for that...and do I want D to one day read it? I am praying about it and praying about our future.
God is definitely speaking to me but with all the "noise" in my life I cannot for the life of me hear him. I don't know how to turn off all the noise. I am slammed with work right now and for the first time in a long time am completely and utterly overwhelmed at what's to come.
I feel so torn...wanting and hoping for a future but dreading it in the same way. Yes, I am being vague. Sorry, I can't get into details. I am tired of being a decision maker. Life is HARD. I think every curve ball that life can throw has been thrown at me in the last year and a half. Literally. Dawson pushes me forward on this hard road...he deserves my best...and he will get it.