I am just having one big pity party. Trying to process everything going on in my life is a little overwhelming. Again, sorry for the vagueness.
I have so many friends due in the next few weeks and months and I find myself jealous. Yes, jealous. (TTC/Infertile ladies, don't hate me). I know I have D and I am THRILLED and beyond satisfied and full, but my heart hurts that I cannot have another. I want more kids so bad it hurts. D will be 16 weeks tomorrow and four months old on Friday...and I long for a big ol' pg belly. Strange?
Tomorrow will be one year when I found out I was pregnant with Dawson. It's been a whole year. I'm so blessed.
To my infertile friends, forgive me for wanting more. I would be cussing me right now because I have been blessed with a little one. I don't know this is just how I feel.
I miss feeling Dawson inside me. I miss knowing I have a complete miracle growing and developing. I miss seeing him move. I miss trying to guess what he/she looks like. I miss longing to hold him/her when he/she gets here. I just miss it.
I am 35 and getting older. We are struggling financially (another woe) and there is no hope for another round of IVF unless we hit the lottery. :-). And, even that is a gamble.
I don't know...just frustrated tonight. I just nursed and rocked my angel to sleep and feel so blessed but on the flip side just pissed that I can't conceive. I am sure it is "I want what I can't have" kinda thing.
Oh well, I'll put my big girl panties on (note, I didn't say granny panties) and just try to accept it...sometimes I feel like I am on the movie Groundhog Day. My feelings of wanting more children are never resolved...I wake up longing for another one...and throughout the day I gain a little perspective and acceptance and satisfaction that D is in my life...and then I wake up the next day longing for another one. Go figure.
Blah blah and blah blah blah.