Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Ya know....

I am just having one big pity party.  Trying to process everything going on in my life is a little overwhelming.  Again, sorry for the vagueness.

I have so many friends due in the next few weeks and months and I find myself jealous.  Yes, jealous.  (TTC/Infertile ladies, don't hate me).  I know I have D and I am THRILLED and beyond satisfied and full, but my heart hurts that I cannot have another.  I want more kids so bad it hurts.  D will be 16 weeks tomorrow and four months old on Friday...and I long for a big ol' pg belly.  Strange?

Tomorrow will be one year when I found out I was pregnant with Dawson.  It's been a whole year.  I'm so blessed.

To my infertile friends, forgive me for wanting more.  I would be cussing me right now because I have been blessed with a little one.  I don't know this is just how I feel.

I miss feeling Dawson inside me.  I miss knowing I have a complete miracle growing and developing.  I miss seeing him move.  I miss trying to guess what he/she looks like.  I miss longing to hold him/her when he/she gets here.  I just miss it. 

I am 35 and getting older.  We are struggling financially (another woe) and there is no hope for another round of IVF unless we hit the lottery.  :-).  And, even that is a gamble. 

I don't know...just frustrated tonight.  I just nursed and rocked my angel to sleep and feel so blessed but on the flip side just pissed that I can't conceive.  I am sure it is "I want what I can't have" kinda thing.

Oh well, I'll put my big girl panties on (note, I didn't say granny panties) and just try to accept it...sometimes I feel like I am on the movie Groundhog Day.  My feelings of wanting more children are never resolved...I wake up longing for another one...and throughout the day I gain a little perspective and acceptance and satisfaction that D is in my life...and then I wake up the next day longing for another one.  Go figure.

Blah blah and blah blah blah.

3 comments:

AY said...

You'll always be Fertile Myrtle to me

Erin said...

I am having some of those same feelings - wanting another one, missing being pregnant, etc. I didn't feel that way the first time around. Maybe it is my age, maybe it is that it took so long to get H here, I don't know. I can sympathize with that part, for sure. Hope you have a wonderful day today.

Anonymous said...

I am in the same boat as you and know exactly how you feel. I did IVF to have my miracle and I was unable to have another due to finances. I have wanted another baby since my blessing arrived 7 years ago and I am still having a pity party for myself. I am like a bipolar infertile, one day I am fine and the next day I could possibly steal some poor woman’s baby. (I know, I might need help.:) Seriously though, I can't be the only infertile who has thought of that. Ha! Ha!
I feel like I am grieving for a child I never got to have and it’s just a weird feeling to carry around. I have this wonderful child, but for some reason I am not content all the time and it sucks. You want to be happy, but at the same time you can’t shake the sadness. I wish none of us had to go through this and all I can say is I know how you feel and I'm sorry.