Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bittersweet...

D is asleep right now. Yes, I know I should be asleep too (I have done pretty well with sleeping when he sleeps but I am so far behind on house work and blogging that I am taking this time to catch up). I know you are probably thinking...Blogging? That's important? Well, it is to me. I want to capture every moment of D's life. I have been very emotional (probably some baby blues mixed in), but, I have been emotional because the odds are WAY stacked against us to have any more kids. Even if we had the money or insurance to try IVF again, there are still no guarantees.


From the moment D came out I began mourning that my stomach was empty...my womb was empty.  Regardless of the 22 weeks of morning sickness...the gestational diabetes...the PUPPPs rash...the huge stretch marks...I would have 15 more kids if I could.  The emotion that my heart feels is indescribable.  It's more than just "I'm a mom now" emotion.  It is an emotion that is seriously a once in a life time...one chance...one shot...and it is over. (The conceiving, pregnancy, birth part)

All I ever wanted to do was be a mom.  And, I feel so guilty feeling this way.  I know how it feels NOT to have a child and have no guarantee of even having a child even after failed fertility treatments and a miscarriage.  But, I have a taste of what pregnancy is and a taste of what the miracle of birthing a child is...and a taste of what looking at your beautiful miracle is and it is something that I crave more and more.

To all my infertile friends, please don't get me wrong...I am grateful I am just pitching a fit mentally because of our circumstances...we can't randomly get pregnant...and it pisses me off.  This time with Dawson is flying by.  He is almost three weeks old and I know I will never have a three week old again.  Ya know?  I am rambling.  I am so very lucky...I am so very blessed to have Dawson...but my thirst for more kids is worse now than ever and I feel guilty and I am eating my words because I always said..."If I can have just one"..."just one"..."I will be satisfied".

Labor and Delivery is the most amazing thing I have ever gone through.  The experience compares to nothing else in this world.  I wish and pray I had the opportunity to do it again. 

OK, my pity party is over with for the day.  Dawson is amazing and I wouldn't change a thing.  I am truly satisfied with this little one...

To all my infertile friends, please don't take this post the wrong way...honesty has been my policy from day one.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lisa,
I went through the same thing after I had my daughter through IVF. I prayed for one healthy child and swore I would be satisfied with only one (and I am blessed), but my heart still aches for another. It has never gone away and she is 5 now and I still long for another baby. I wish IVF wasn't so darn expensive to do. It stinks not being able to have as many babies as you want to. Hopefully you will get another chance to have more and I feel your hurt and pain at the possibility of it not happening. You have such a sweet little guy and I am so happy that you and Matt got the opportunity to experience such love and all the blessings that come with having a child. Good Luck to you and enjoy your sweet little one because they grow up so fast!

Just Jiff said...

I'm sorry; I really hope that you can get pregnant on your own eventually. If not, please don't give up on adoption.
I know it's not the same (I'm still struggling with trying to get pregnant for our second) but I'm saying this for my benefit as much as yours. I'll keep us both in my prayers. :)

Anonymous said...

O I know exactly how you are feeling when you post this!! We struggled with infertility for YEARS - we saved & poured all our resources into IVF - that's all that would work for us - and now have an 8 year old girl and a 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl all from IVF! :) Our 3 year old was actually a frozen embryo - our posicle baby! THEN - 2 weeks after my 39th birthday - we discovered we had gotten pregnant on our own!!So we added a bouncing baby boy to our little family :) Enjoy your little miracle!!