Monday, April 12, 2010

Fear

I am at lunch right now and I had to just post really quick.  Fear took hold of me about an hour ago.  I had to talk myself down.

I have heard of two friends who have found out they are pregnant today.  One that I wasn't expecting and the other friend, "S" (the one we prayed for with her FET) I was expecting to find out if it was yay or nay.  My friend, "A" found out she was not pregnant.  This was her sixth IVF.  Despair doesn't even begin to describe where she is at.  I am heartbroken.

I was reading my friend's blog where she announced she was pregnant (the one I wasn't expecting) and I was so excited and then WHAM the fear hit me.  She looks as far along as I am...she said the doc saw the baby move (MINE DIDN'T MOVE)...her ultrasound showed what looked like an outline of a baby...it actually looked like a baby (MINE'S HEAD WAS JUST STARTING TO SHOW).  I started panicking.  What if this isn't going to work?  What if I lose this baby?  What if everyone else around me is pregnant and I lose this baby?  I wanted to run to the nearest ultrasound machine and just make sure all is OK.

The fear, I guess or I am learning, will probably always be there.  I cannot compare my pregnancy with anyone else's.  Pregnancies are different just like people look different.  I cannot compare.  (BTW, my ultrasound looked like it was a week earlier than my friends, so I have to believe that that week of development made all the difference in the world).  Sorry, "E", I am better now!  I just had a panic attack!

I have a lot to do at work so I need to get back to the grind; however, if you can think, please pray for my mind to be at peace and that the fear that grips so quickly will just stay away.

5 comments:

Liz said...

I remember some of that fear with my first baby. I have a deformed uterus and had always been told that miscarriage was a high likelihood for me, before I even got pregnant. I started spotting at 6 weeks. Thankfully, the spotting stopped and the baby was born big and healthy, but guess what? The fear never stopped. Even after they're born, so many things can happen to them. All I can do is pray every day and hope that God has it in His plan to keep them with me, safe and healthy. If that's not His plan, I don't know how I'd survive, but surely His grace would carry me through. Surely...

I am so thankful that you are so honest on your blog. Can't wait to find out boy or girl!

Just Jiff said...

ALL moms go through this... whether you've been through the struggles that you have or not, so rest assured that you are normal and the baby is fine. :) I always hated when people told me to not get stressed out because it stresses the baby...because I was a neurotic mess the entire pregnancy!

I'll pray for positive, warm vibes to surround you and give you peace of mind. :)

Anonymous said...

Lisa,
I completely understand where you are coming from and it's normal to feel like this. My situation was about the same as yours and when I finally got a healthy pregnancy with IVF I was still worried. I drove my Hubby nuts with all the things I thought could go wrong, but we laugh about it now. It’s kind of surreal when you find out your pregnant after going through so much. Just think of all the fun you will have worrying after the baby gets here. :) I will keep you in my prayers.

Elise said...

Sending good thoughts and angels your way! I am definitely a worrier so I know what you are struggling with. It's so hard to have faith when you have been through a loss but remember that the Lord is watching over you and he will be there no matter what. And when you do feel those moments of comfort, try to hold onto them and remember them as much as possible because the fearful feelings will always be ready to creep back in. Trust that their is a plan and no matter how hard the way and no matter how many tears we shed or stumbles we take, ultimately it is all for the best for us and the one who knows all is aware of you and your life, your wishes and deepest desires. I will say a prayer for you to feel calm and comforted and to be able to feel excited and joyful about the little person you are growing :)

Anonymous said...

Lisa, my favorite motto is: "Worry is the misuse of imagination." Isn't it? I completely understand what you are going through, though - it is normal. Like Liz said, worry starts in pregnancy and never stops! I still worry about my children and probably always will. But, God reminds me that He is in control. A thing Beth Moore said in one of her studies has stuck with me: when you say "what if this?" "what if that?" over and over, you answer yourself with "Then....God." And leave it with Him. ENJOY this time of creating a miracle. Don't let doubts and worries creep in on such a wonderful thing you are experiencing!
Still praying for you and Matt and sweet Baby!
{{{Hugs}}}
Jennifer M