Monday, March 29, 2010

Sobering

It hit me today...

For those who don't know about our infertility struggle, I am too proud to just say, "Oh, we are pregnant!!!" and leave it at that.  It seems way too easy to just say that...there is so much MORE history there.  I want the full gravity of our journey to be there and to be felt...we aren't JUST pregnant...we are pregnant through five years of treatments and surgeries and six months of menopause and probably 125+ shots and a devastating miscarriage and so many heartbreaking negatives on pregnancy tests and list goes on...

So, even though I am just another pregnant person...I feel like I have so much at stake.  If you can't tell, I am getting a little nervous about my appointment on Thursday.  I need a good report...a strong heartbeat...and a growing, moving, and perfectly developing little one.  I am terrified that something is wrong and, like I said before, the rug will be pulled out from under me.  I was doing so good last week.  I need to get back to that "place".

Anyway, I just had a very sobering day.  I am tired and need a nap.  I look forward to Castle tonight.  That was random!

5 comments:

Erin said...

Lisa - I believe what you are feeling is a classic psychological repurcussion of miscarriage. While that doesn't make it any easier (I promise, I know), hopefully it will make you feel normal. Oh, yeah, I ate Raisin Bran almost everyday when I was pregnant with Jillian. It seemed to help.

Shandrea said...

Sending you hugs and love right now. You will have those days. Just continue to hold to your faith. Sending you prayers.

Just Jiff said...

Not that this will really make you feel any better, but I took FOREVER to get pregnant and when I finally did, I worried constantly about all the things that could go wrong even though I didn't have the past you have. I think part of being pregnant makes you just worry about everything.

Even so, I'll keep you in my prayers for a very awesome ultrasound appointment. :)

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Your journey is very inspiring to me. After 4 years now and a m/c, I feel like it's never possible, but you give me hope!!! I am 100% positive I would feel the SAME way in your position. Sending you lots of positive vibes for a continued healthy pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

Lisa,
I think it is completely normal to have these feelings after all you have been through. I did IVF to get pregnant and I had my days of worrying too. I still worry and she is 4 years old! :)