I haven't been seeking God like I should. I have been pouting and have been a little bitter towards Him. I admit that. I totally admit it.
One thing this snow storm has done has given me the time to think and to examine where I am. I have been scared to pray. Flat scared. Flat scared that the answers I hear will not be the ones I want to hear. But, I need Jesus. I need His loving arms and His loving peace...I need it. I need it more than air...more than anything.
I would never want to disgrace my mom and dad. Ever. I would rather hurl myself off of the Grand Canyon than ever see disappointment on their face. I have always been a pleaser. I know I have disappointed my parents some, but to see them disappointed? Well, it has probably hurt and disappointed me MORE seeing that! I strive, thrive and live for being given an assignment and me returning with that assignment proficiently completed and seeing a very satisfied and pleased assignment giver in front of me. Does that make sense? I am sure I could have worded that better but it is 1 am.
Which brings me to my point....I don't want to disappoint God. I have two and a half weeks to get on the right track with Him. I have 2.5 weeks to find that water again that will satisfy every thirst I have ever had and ever will have. I have 2.5 weeks to pray and ask all the hard questions and get my heart ready for the answers. Because, by golly, I will have answers by March 1. I will have an answer to the question of our infertility. It may be YES and it very well maybe NO.
I have got to be prepared for the NO. I have got to be prepared because if not...I will be destroyed. If I am not prepared, I will always have the incurable and deadly thirst of wanting to be a mom. That deadly thirst has become an idol to me. It has been a stronghold. It has been an addiction. This struggle has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. God has put me (unwillingly, I might add) on a platform. That platform is elevated for many people to see. He has given me an assignment. I may not like how the assignment ends, but I need to hand it back to Him completed and I want to feel His glorious and approving smile on me...and hear the words, "Well done".
The spotlight is on me. I used to love the spotlight growing up...I have learned in the last 15 years that I really do not like the spotlight anymore. I truly like being in the background (seriously opposite of me in high school). But, I am in the tragic spotlight. How I act and how I react in this trial will say more about my Christian character than any other time in my life. You really see the true character of a person in how they act under pressure. I want every one of my actions and reactions to be PURE and BLAMELESS in His sight. If this trial ends sadly for us, I still want people to know that God is still to be glorified. I may be heartbroken, but God is still to be glorified.
I hear critics now...what an idiot! LOL, that just makes me laugh. There is a God. He is more real to me than my own reflection in a mirror. He is more real to me than the roof over my head. His peace and His comfort are just as real. They are tangible to me. Peace and comfort are normally intangible objects...but they are tangible to me...and I know many of you out there agree with me.
Pray for me in these two weeks, will you? Yes, pray that my desire would be fulfilled as a mommy. But, pray that hearts would be drawn to Jesus during this time. I can honestly say that my desire for people to be drawn to Him is greater than my desire to have a baby. That is pretty scary that I just admitted that...but it is true. In this trial, I will praise Him. In this trial, I will sing to Him. And, in this trial, my "infertility shackles" and "barren chains" will be broken...and I will be free.
Father, be glorified tonight. Be glorified and honored tonight. Let people be drawn to You during my suffering. Let them see my heart and let them feel my desperation to have you surround me and be Lord of my life. Let them feel the tangible peace and the tangible comfort that only You can give. Consume us. Let lives be changed during this time. Let people really see You through me. Don't let it be me they see...but You they see.