Saturday, January 16, 2010

Reminders...

I thought moving away from the date of the miscarriage it would get easier. I was wrong.

Every day there are several reminders of Matt and I being childless.

How many times a day do I see a pregnant belly?

How many times a day do I see a precious little baby?

How many times a day do I see a pregnancy test commercial or a diapers commercial?

Don't get me wrong, I do love my fertility clinic, but the weekly reminder of walking into the office for another ultrasound...well it is a constant reminder.

I am thrilled that my fertility doc knows me by face. He knows my history! Just Wednesday, I saw another doctor and when I was walking out my normal doc, Dr. Batres, was at the end of the hall. He is a sweet man and he just opened his arms up and gave me a big hug and asked me what the verdict was. I told him I had a big fat cyst and we were pushed back. He knows me by face and name!!! I am thrilled that my doc is that personal...but it is a constant reminder that he is my doctor because I cannot have a baby.

I hate when I walk in our "office/nursery" and the reality that this room is not being prepared RIGHT now for the little one...constant reminder.

I got mad just last night that I wasn't pregnant...do you want to know what set me off? ME LYING ON MY STOMACH! I should be 29 weeks pregnant right now and NOT able to sleep on my stomach. It took me a good hour to calm myself down and go to sleep.

The list goes on...............and on and on. I hate posting negative things. I hate posting the sadness and the "valley" posts. I hate hate hate it.

I should have started my shots today. I should be preparing for egg retrieval in about 9-11 days. I understand that things happen for a reason and God does know what He is doing. I have posted that plenty of times, but it still doesn't "help" knowing it when you have a hard trouble "feeling" it.

Anyway. Reminders. They suck. They are only going to get worse. When April 5th gets closer...it is only going to get worse. April 5th would have been the day our little one was due to arrive. April 5th. The next 11 weeks are not going to be easy.

1 comment:

shancrow said...

I can't say that I understand, but I love you and thinking of you often...