***disclaimer*** (this entire post is totally tongue in cheek)
I usually do not make resolutions. I know I won't keep them and I don't have the energy to act like I will. :-) However, this year, I have one.
New Year's Resolution...To pick my friends wisely...
My new qualifications for friends are:
- Anyone who has had all of their kids and all tubes are tied, uterus'es are out, and the men are fixed.
- Anyone over 35 who can still technically have kids but their youngest child is 15 or older. The chances of another child are slim to none.
- Anyone who has struggled with infertility (any age)
If I meet you on the street and you want to be my friend (because, boy, do I EVER have a long line of people wanting to be my friend)...you must show the below proof of qualifications.
- The first step of screening is proof of age. (i.e., birth certificates, driver's license are acceptable forms of proof)
- If you are over 35 and you and your spouse still have all the "goods", you must bring your youngest child to me for an interview (along with the appropriate birth certificates).
- If you are over 35 and you and your spouse still have all the "goods:, you must be willing to take a lie detector test (separately) to prove that both parties have agreed upon and are totally for sure finished having children.
- If you are under 35 and still haven't finished having your kids, well, you are fresh out of luck being my friend.
- If you are of any age and have had partial or all reproductive organs removed, you must show medical documentation and/or the actual organ itself. Men may be asked to produce a sample at a clinic nearest you.
- If you have struggled with infertility...well, you automatically become my friend.
OK, I am totally teasing. I have a sick sense of humor. Kidding! Kidding!