Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Arkansas River

Every morning I get the opportunity to drive over the Arkansas River bridge on I-430. It is always beautiful. The Arkansas River is a large river that is very powerful (it is the 6th longest river in the US and the 45th longest in the world). The undercurrent is insanely powerful. There have been many accidents where bodies haven't been found due to the undercurrents.

You wouldn't necessarily know from the surface of the river how powerful it is underneath. Some days I drive across and it looks like a perfectly flowing, sweet river. And, other days the river is flowing at an intense speed and the color of the entire surface is muddy. All of the undercurrent is moving like nobody's business and stirring up the bottom of the river and bringing it up close to the surface making it look so dirty and violent.

My life lately has been exactly like this river. Most days I am pretty calm on the surface and feeling good and positive. You wouldn't know to look inside and see all the crazy undercurrents. The wave of emotions when I see a pregnant belly...the wave of emotion when I think I would be 22 weeks pregnant this week...the wave of emotion when I think the baby would be named right now...a little Dawson Paul or a little Malia Grace...the wave of emotion to think I will never celebrate this little one's birthday in April. Most days, I ignore the undercurrents and smack a smile on face. I say all the right things and have to have good customer service to my friends, coworkers & clients. But, underneath I just want to crawl under my chair in a fetal position because there hasn't been a DAY that has gone by since we realized we were going to have trouble getting pregnant that I haven't thought about my infertility and DEFINITELY there hasn't been a moment that has gone by since September 1st when we lost the baby that I haven't mourned our loss.

Those are the good days. The bad days, I have to really not be around people. The ugliness of what's underneath surfaces and it is violent and moody and ugly. My emotions rage on the surface just like the Arkansas River.

Emotions are insane anyway. You can "feel" one way one day and "feel" exactly opposite the next. Jacked up on hormones does NOT help the matter! This week has been tough. There have been two opposing sides in me with a tug of war with my emotions: full of faith and optimistic one moment and depressed and full of despair the next. Emotions are in a tie right now.

I have an appointment with Dr. Batres on Friday afternoon to discuss options. Here are the options I see and will talk with Dr. B about...

1. Wait. If we wait then we risk the chance of my endometriosis growing back and that will totally hamper us getting pregnant on our own (even though we have never been able to).

2. OK, we "wait" with the hopes of IVF in our future...maybe Dr. B would put me on birth control to control the endo until we decide if IVF is another option. But, then that will defeat the purpose of trying to get pregnant on our own....well, to at least TRY to get pregnant.

3. Medicated IUI's. On my current insurance plan, I had unlimited fertility treatment with the exception of IVF. Our insurance is changing January 1. This plan limits our fertility treatment to SIX IUIs per LIFETIME! LIFETIME! Which, IUI is more stressful to me than IVF...don't ask me why...I just feel it is...I don't want this option.

4. IVF. We do have an option of another round. It just came up in the last few weeks. So, IVF is a possibility. But, my heart can't do it right now. I am not ready.

5. Nothing. We can hang up our hopes of having a baby of our own and move toward adoption.

We are just sort of blank right now and when you are in a blank spot...well, you just need to be still. I am trying to be still. I want to be all good and healed and whole if we decide to do IVF again.


Erin said...

It is wild how accurate your description is. I have days when I feel like I absolutely cannot function among the real world (those days usually start with a pregnant teenager). But even on the good days, it is never gone. I think about being infertile everyday in one way or another. Our baby would have turned 1 in August. It was very hard. I just couldn't stop thinking about that I should be having a party, but I wasn't. And I am not going to. It is just overwhelming how difficult this can be. I'll be praying for you as y'all make your decisions.

Baby hopes... said...

I wish I could give you a hug, I am praying for you. I pray for you to reach a decision that brings you peace.I want you to have a baby too, I want us to experience this together...good luck at your doctor appt.