Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Yuck...(beware of reading)

This email isn't pretty...but it is a real part of the process. I started tonight. As you can imagine, all of the hormones I have been taking build up and thicken the lining of my uterus to allow the embryo every chance of survival. So, as you know, a woman's period SHEDS the lining of your uterus. So, you can imagine how MUCH my uterus needs to shed.

The sad thing is one of those huge clots had my embryo in it. Gross, I know, but the truth is still there. It just made me sick. I am cramping pretty badly.

Matt and I are heartbroken, as you can imagine. I guess I lied or spoke too soon in an earlier post. I believe I said I would do IVF all day long if I had the money to do it. Even if we had the money right now, I don't know if I can go through IVF so soon. I need some time to process. My body would LOVE to get my hormones back at a decent level (I know Matt would love that) and my heart needs to heal over what it has gone through over the last few months.

I am going to focus on shedding some of the weight I have gained from this whole process. I have been on some sort of drug/hormone for almost four years. I am not going to blame my entire weight gain on the drugs/hormones; but it definitely hasn't helped. So, I am going to attempt to shed some pounds. Also, we are focusing on selling the house. I have my plate full and I hope/pray that it will keep my mind busy.

Matt and I aren't going to make any decisions until after we feel a release. I don't think my poor heart can take much more. The $9000 gamble to have a baby didn't pan out...almost...I told Matt yesterday that "we were so close". I had nine weeks of having my little one with me.

I have a little more clarity today. God knows my every need. He would never put me in a situation that I couldn't handle. He would never put me in the deep end of the pool and start piling weights on me to make me sink. He would give me floaties! He wants me to succeed and He gives me all the tools to do so. We know life is never easy. The older I get the more I realize that life is not easy nor fair. It's OK. As my dad would say, "It builds character". So true, so true.

1 comment:

cagrlasu said...

Nothing is too TMI (Too Much Information) for me. :( I'm so sorry you had to see that. Hang in there. There are better days ahead.