I love it when God meets me right where I am at. I love it when He doesn't provide anything but His Word and Presence. I love it. Sometimes we need tangible things...a job, money, a healing, etc. I got so much more than any of that last night...I got His sovereign Presence and the peace that only HE can give.
We were going to go to our old church yesterday morning. Matt and I met at Otter Creek and got married at OC and, I guess, fell in lust...I mean love at OC. jk. The reason for going was to hear my old pastor, Don Nordin, preach. I haven't heard him in probably 10+ years. He is an amazing pastor and always has a word from the Lord. Matt and I missed church yesterday morning. I was bummed and felt a little convicted because I really felt that we were missing out. We both felt we were missing out.
At about 3 pm, I got a random text message from Bro. Nordin's son, Jason. Jason wanted to let us know that Bro. N. was preaching in Conway at one of the local AG churches...wow, Matt and I both knew that God provided another way for us to hear the message that was obviously for us.
First of all, it was great seeing Bro & Sis Nordin, Jason & Kim, and Brett & Sarah. I knew that whatever message was going to be given, it was for me. I started tearing up after I got the text message because I knew God needed for me to be there. He needed to send me a word.
Just like God's style, Bro. N changed his message right at the beginning of service. To try to explain, the Holy Spirit really impressed upon him to preach another message instead of the one he had originally prepared. The new message was "An Unexpected Cross". Perfect. I knew we were in for a word. It was like God IM'd me directly and it was just He and I chatting back and forth (mainly Him chatting and me listening).
The text was from Matthew 27:32: "As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. " This text was about what was happening prior to the crucifixion of Jesus. After Jesus was convicted to death by crucifixion they beat him severely and made Him carry His own cross (possibly a 90 lb cross) up the way to Golgotha.
There just so happened to be a man named Simon that came out to see what was going on. Simon was an innocent bystander and didn't wake up that day and anticipate or plan to become a part of the most incredible historical event in Christian history. He was just at the scene, whether watching out of curiosity or just walking by on errands, who knows, but the Roman guards picked Simon out of the crowd to carry Jesus' cross all the way to Golgotha. It was an unexpected cross. Simon was forced, whether he liked it or not, to carry this heavy, blood drenched cross of a convicted criminal who was sentenced to die. Pretty unexpected.
That really hit home to me. God IM'd me directly, lol. He wanted me to know that I have an unexpected cross of infertility. I didn't wake up one morning and expect not to have a child. I didn't plan my future without the pitter patter of little feet. I didn't expect this heavy burden of being a barren woman. It is an unexpected cross.
But, the good thing is I don't have to carry the cross alone. That burden of the unexpected childless cross doesn't have to be mine. God is there with me. Maybe my story won't be a fairytale ending. Maybe my story will be a very realistic "this is life and life isn't fair" story. Regardless of the ending, regardless of how my heart feels and how my empty (albeit flabby) arms are devastatingly void of a child...regardless of all of that, I want to give God glory. Not my will but Yours. I want Him to say "well done, my good and faithful servant". I long for Him to say that to me over anything I can have here on earth.
OK, so that was a hodgepodge of things. Thanks, Bro. N, for giving me the inspiration to post again. I don't know if you got anything out of it, but I sure did. He gave me some much needed tangible peace last night. The hurt isn't gone...but the peace helped sooth my hurt.
My prayer is that this blog somehow shows that Christians can still be faithful even in the hard times. That believers can still survive when the hurt is overwhelming. I believe it with all of my heart. I believe that God knows what He is doing and He isn't going to see me destroyed.
You don't know how much I appreciate each and every one of you reading the blog. I sure thought this journey would turn out much differently. There is a 90 degree curve ahead and I can't see the next stretch of road. My prayer is that I can keep the same state of mind and spirit that I have now. I had a sweet, new friend email me today and encourage me. I have never met her but she has been following our journey and she just encouraged me today. I told her that "Journeys are always much easier when you have a friend to travel with". It is true. Thank you for being on our roller coaster of a journey. God has an amazing ending to our story...I don't know what that is...but, I know, it will be exactly what I need.