Sunday, November 15, 2009

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is it. Tomorrow is the day. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the outcome. I am a little numb. I wish I had a few more weeks to "wait"...the more that I am in the in between period from start to decision, well, the hope of me being pregnant is still HIGH because the decision/answer isn't "no" yet. Does that make sense?

I have learned a lot about myself throughout this process. Again, infertile couples never go into marriage or life thinking they aren't going to have a baby. I sometimes feel my legs have been knocked out from underneath me or my breath stolen from my lungs. Like you are watching a really intense and sad movie and the ending didn't turn out the way you thought it should. Like, you feel empty inside...lonely...left behind...ashamed...abandoned...deserted. Our lives will be dramatically changed tomorrow and, I am trying to prepare.

The worst and longest wait in the world isn't the two weeks from transfer to testing...or the six to seven hours from testing to the results phone call...the worst and longest wait is the few seconds from seeing my phone light up and the caller ID saying "Ar Fertility"..."Hello?"..."Lisa?"..."Yes?"..."This is so-n-so from Arkansas Fertility and, your test came back.....". THOSE few seconds are the longest and most dreadful moments. My heart is pounding so fierce it is deafening. I dread that moment tomorrow. I got good news last time...and it was still a horrible and dreadful few seconds before Dr. B said "positive". It makes me a little sick thinking about it.

I am going in the office tomorrow for half a day. I don't want to be at work when I get the phone call. I want to be all by myself so I can soak it all in. I will post tomorrow when the time is right. I would appreciate your prayers. I am going to go in before 9 am and let them draw blood and I will probably be notified somewhere around 3 pm.

I am a planner (special events are my thing)...lists are mandatory for me...planning is huge. I am planning ahead for the two options. Pregnant? or Not pregnant? I have to have a plan to stay sane.

Someone anonymously posted a comment on one of my earlier posts under the name "C" and it said this...

"Just another lady who went through the infertility journey and found your blog. I pray your broken road leads to your baby. You will be a mommy to the baby you are supposed to parent. You will thank God for unanswered prayers when your hold him/her. His plan is better, it is just so hard to get there sometimes. Please remember that you are only pregnant for around nine months but a parent forever."

I loved the last part "you are only pregnant for around nine months but a parent forever" That rang true to my heart. Thank you "C" for your post...thank you so much.

3 comments:

sara mcc said...

just wanted you to know you will be in my thoughts tomorrow.

brlracr76 said...

Lisa ~ I'm thinking of you and praying today!

cagrlasu said...

I totally agree with you on this. When we got married the thought never entered my mind that we would have such a hard time growing our family. It is such a shock when you realize that it isn't as easy as you thought it was going to be :(