I think reality is seeping in every day we get closer to November 4th. In my human mind's eye, well, this is it. I do not and can not see past Nov. 4th. All of my biological chances of having a baby realistically fly out the window after Nov. 4th.
I have crazy and vivid dreams. I always have and my mom can attest for that. I dream almost every night. Last night I dreamed that both embryos didn't survive the thawing process. I woke up in a bad mood. Obviously.
God is my "variable" factor. Adding Him to my "baby experiment", well, anything can happen. I understand that. I did not go into the "baby" chapter of my life thinking God was going to give me a biological child. I wished, hoped and prayed He would, but I was never sure of it. A year ago, IVF was not even an option. We couldn't afford it. The door opened where we were able to make it happen...so I thought for sure this was the way to go.
I was so scared that we would have too many embryos to deal with and we would have to make some tough decisions. We had four. When we were able to get pregnant the first time, I just KNEW that our "luck" was changing because we were getting a baby out of the FIRST try! I was in new territory! Nothing EVER happens on the first try with us! I had some wiggle room, ya know? I could breathe a little easier knowing that we could possible have TWO maybe THREE kiddos from this procedure. And, if we had a baby out of the first round and the second round didn't work? Well, we at least had ONE!
Now we are up against the wall and have a few obstacles to overcome. My mind cannot "get" around the thought of the second round working too. My heart doesn't feel like it is going to work. I am not being negative...it is just what my gut is saying. And, I am going to be prepared for it.
Infertility is a heartbreaking topic. You feel broken and unwanted. The very reason why women are women is to bear a child! And, I cannot do it? Not only are your arms aching to hold your baby...your internal "purpose" is broken.
I feel that I will be OK with adoption. Matt is OK with adoption. There are so many kids out there that need a mommy and daddy that will love them and offer a real family environment for them. And, Matt and I can surely do that. We have so much to give and so much to offer.
I am truly overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, prayers and interest in our story. I have received emails from complete strangers offering support and sharing their stories with me. That motivates me. That confirms that me sharing my story is the right thing to do. So, THANK YOU, for reading my ramblings. THANK YOU for praying for Matt and me. THANK YOU for the encouragement and words of support. THANK YOU for reading. I don't know how the story will end, but, one way or another, it will be a happy one.