I have started this stupid post several times. I just don't know what to write. I have been struggling...so those of you who have never gone through infertility...I need you to do one thing for me. Shut off the "if it's supposed to happen, it will happen" and the "all in God's timing" and the "quit TRYING and relax" reasons in your brain...and just listen.
The ONLY sure thing in my life that I wanted to accomplish was to have children. To have my OWN children. To get pregnant and actually give BIRTH to my children. To see myself in my kids...will they have red hair like I did? Will they have a fair complexion? Will they have green eyes and my PawPaw Blann spot in my eye? To get to make something miraculous with your life partner. That is the ONLY sure thing that I wanted to do...
Put yourself in my shoes...think of your kids and the "magic" of having them and then try to grasp you being physically unable to have them. It is devastating. The excuses of "relax" and "timing" and "if it's supposed to happen" means nothing...they are weak and lame and hollow...because it doesn't answer the WHY...it doesn't ANSWER and fill in the hole that only infertility brings.
I am struggling. This month will either OPEN or CLOSE a chapter in our lives. We cannot afford another round of IVF...so this is our last chance. Grasp that...our last chance. The two embryos frozen on Kanis Road in Little Rock are our only hope. We will either get pregnant this month or NEVER. How would that make you feel?
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. We just had an ultrasound and blood work to make sure we are all ready to go. And, we are. Blood work was good and the ultrasound was normal. I begin all of my "prep" drugs tomorrow...and we will have the embryo transfer on Wednesday.
I did ask Dr. B what the survival rates were for the embryos during the thawing process. I guess I assumed it was pretty high - 90% or so...well, our two "good" rated embryos have a 60-70% chance of surviving the thaw. They will begin the thawing process about 45 minutes prior to the transfer...we won't know if they survived until we get there.
I just don't feel good about it. I am probably overly cautious after last time. I just don't see how pregnancy could happen twice for us...I mean, lightning doesn't strike the same place twice...and don't you ONLY hit the jackpot ONCE in life, if even that? I just don't see how this will work.
I am shutting myself off from everything. I went to bed at 5 pm yesterday, slept 'til 10 and then went back to bed until noon today. I just need prayer. I need strength through this...whatever the outcome.
I need some pretty big understanding if this doesn't work. I am TRYING to be a good little Christian and have my heart "ready" to accept the outcome. I am just not doing too well with it.
If you think about us...pray. I do want God's will. I do...I just want that will to be for me to get pregnant again and have the baby...