Saturday, October 31, 2009

Crossroads...

I have started this stupid post several times. I just don't know what to write. I have been struggling...so those of you who have never gone through infertility...I need you to do one thing for me. Shut off the "if it's supposed to happen, it will happen" and the "all in God's timing" and the "quit TRYING and relax" reasons in your brain...and just listen.

The ONLY sure thing in my life that I wanted to accomplish was to have children. To have my OWN children. To get pregnant and actually give BIRTH to my children. To see myself in my kids...will they have red hair like I did? Will they have a fair complexion? Will they have green eyes and my PawPaw Blann spot in my eye? To get to make something miraculous with your life partner. That is the ONLY sure thing that I wanted to do...

Put yourself in my shoes...think of your kids and the "magic" of having them and then try to grasp you being physically unable to have them. It is devastating. The excuses of "relax" and "timing" and "if it's supposed to happen" means nothing...they are weak and lame and hollow...because it doesn't answer the WHY...it doesn't ANSWER and fill in the hole that only infertility brings.

I am struggling. This month will either OPEN or CLOSE a chapter in our lives. We cannot afford another round of IVF...so this is our last chance. Grasp that...our last chance. The two embryos frozen on Kanis Road in Little Rock are our only hope. We will either get pregnant this month or NEVER. How would that make you feel?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. We just had an ultrasound and blood work to make sure we are all ready to go. And, we are. Blood work was good and the ultrasound was normal. I begin all of my "prep" drugs tomorrow...and we will have the embryo transfer on Wednesday.

I did ask Dr. B what the survival rates were for the embryos during the thawing process. I guess I assumed it was pretty high - 90% or so...well, our two "good" rated embryos have a 60-70% chance of surviving the thaw. They will begin the thawing process about 45 minutes prior to the transfer...we won't know if they survived until we get there.

I just don't feel good about it. I am probably overly cautious after last time. I just don't see how pregnancy could happen twice for us...I mean, lightning doesn't strike the same place twice...and don't you ONLY hit the jackpot ONCE in life, if even that? I just don't see how this will work.

I am shutting myself off from everything. I went to bed at 5 pm yesterday, slept 'til 10 and then went back to bed until noon today. I just need prayer. I need strength through this...whatever the outcome.

I need some pretty big understanding if this doesn't work. I am TRYING to be a good little Christian and have my heart "ready" to accept the outcome. I am just not doing too well with it.

If you think about us...pray. I do want God's will. I do...I just want that will to be for me to get pregnant again and have the baby...

10 comments:

jgoode said...

Lisa, you will know the joy of seeing yourself in your children, even if they don't come from your body. And it will drive you silly! I'm praying for you, especially this week.

Jennifer Goode

Anonymous said...

Lisa,
The Hankins Family loves your family. You know we are praying for you.

Dusty

becca said...

I can't understand what it is like to be in your shoes, but I can understand growing up and having a family being all you ever wanted. It's all I ever wanted. After I had Abigail I remember thinking "this is it." I knew I wanted more, but I also knew if one is all I ever had, one was enough. I'd had a baby and I was happy. One of the reasons we started so young is b/c I was worried that I *would* struggle with infertility and I wanted to have plenty of time just in case.
I would never dream of saying stop trying and relax or if it is meant to be... blah blah blah. This is your personal journey and only you can know how far God wants you to go in it. What God lead some to do in their own situation may not be what He wants YOU to do. I will be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

oh lisa idk what to say...i will be thinking of you and matt this week and the weeks to come, shanita

Liz said...

Good for you for saying that. It's cold to sing songs to a broken heart. No one else's pain negates your own.

I have 2 beautiful boys, but all my life I've wanted to have a little girl, so I know just a teeny bit of your struggle. Just a teeny. I love my boys beyond words, but in my heart I will always wonder "what if" I had had a daughter. I know it's not nearly the same thing, but it's the closest I've got to trying to understand. I've been praying for you and have all my groups praying for you too. Praying for those two precious babies to be strengthened and implanted.

Just Jiff said...

I totally understood your feelings. And I cannot stand the "relax" and "in God's time" and all those excuses you mentioned. I heard them too. And I just wanted to punch whoever said them to me in their face. It does NOT make you feel better and it's like telling you that you are silly for feeling the way you do. It just made me mad. So I'll never say that you. I'll just tell you that I am praying for you and hope that the miracle of all miracles happen for you. You deserve it. *HUGS*

sara said...

just want you to know that your in my thoughts

Anonymous said...

I struggled with infertility and only had two chances to get pregnant, so I know how you feel. I got ready to do my FET and I went into it thinking it wasn't going to work, but it did. I know your pain in trying to get pregnant and wanting your own baby and my heart aches for you. I know exactly what you are going through. There is so much weight on your shoulders and pressure to get pregnant when you go through this. The feelings you are having are completely normal for what you are going through. (I felt the same way.) I truly hope that you get your baby and I will be praying for you.

Paige said...

Never give up this may be your moment for a miracle.

Lisa, you are so precious! Thank you for being so transparent and saying the things I wish I would've. You rock! Some days we do what we have to do to survive and if that means you going to bed early or skipping a baby shower DO IT! Never feel guilty!!

You are so in my prayers!!

Meredith Krisell said...

Lisa, I have no idea how you are feeling at this time. I want the same thing you do!! I will be praying for you and Matt!! You have touched me in so many ways from your blog...love you!!