It has been a tough September. We lost the baby, my friend, Becky, is fighting for her life & my friend, Bonny, passed away from a long battle from cancer last night. I have struggled with my emotions, not only the hormonal swing, but the sheer sadness and grief that only loss brings.
My last doctor's appointment was on Thursday. I had another qHCG to see where the "pregnancy hormone" was. It needs to be under 5...preferably a 2. It had dropped to 7.6. Closer, but not close enough. I go back next Thursday for more bloodwork (they have to confirm with bloodwork that it is under 5 so we can start our next round). However, I should start my menstrual cycle when it hits under 5 (at some point). Sooo, we are still in a holding pattern.
So many things remind me of our loss. For example...
1. Anytime I see a pregnant belly (in person, in picture, on TV)
2. Anytime I see a baby product (diaper commercials, walking through wal-mart)
3. Anytime I look on Facebook (statuses say "I am blah blah weeks pregnant", or "WE ARE ON BABY NUMBER 3")
4. Last week in Kansas at Bike MS, a volunteer had the cutest little toddler there and for some reason it just hit me square in the chest. Every where I went, I had sight of that little one. I TRIED to not be around, but the kid was in my line of sight! Erin had me pull around one of the U-haul trucks for luggage (thank goodness for this assignment because I lost it on the way to move it). So, I had time to cry a little and get a hold of myself before I saw another person.
5. Also, in Kansas, I was helping the sweetest woman blow up helium balloons. We were trying to get them blown up and tied very quickly and I let one go before I was able to get the string tied. But, I was able to catch right before it was out of my reach. She said, "WOW, great reflexes, you must be a mom!!!" I hope she didn't notice cause I know I probably sucked my breath in and had a pained look on my face. I just said "No, not yet"...fake smile fake smile fake smile.
I am doing OK, most of the time. I haven't had much time to really grieve. I have been thankful for the delay in my period so it gives me a little longer to get my mind around everything.
God is still bigger than the hole in my heart. I am so thankful for my faith. I don't know how people live life without the comfort of knowing God LOVES us and wants the BEST for us. It seems torturous to me to live without the hope of Christ.
I think there are many reasons why we lost the baby. I believe God can use a situation more than once for His glory or for His good. I hope there are several things that come out of this. One of many reasons is the fact it has honed my radar of how many people are living in this life without hope. God LOVES us...it is as simple as that. God wants the BEST for us...it seriously is as simple as that. No matter what may come our way...no matter what life shattering situation happens...God LOVES us and wants the BEST for us. He doesn't make us go through things to torture us. He doesn't do things out of spite and meanness. He truly loves us and wants the best for us.
I pray that this week, all of my Christian friends, to find someone in your life that needs Christ. Find a way to reach them. That is what being a Christian is about...reaching those who do not know Christ and leading them to the cross. Above everything else on our to-do list...reach out this week...