Thursday, September 03, 2009

Sigh...

Today has been sad. I was just getting used to the idea of finally being pregnant...of finally being a family...of finally...well, just finally.

I need to turn off Facebook. I am addicted to reading everyone's statuses...the first one I read today was "I am 10 weeks pregnant" (from a fellow friend on Facebook). I am so happy for them...but wow, the jealousy and envy and the anger rises up and I want to say WHY! Then a few statuses down..."So-n-so was born yesterday at blah blah and weighed blah blah lbs".

It isn't going to be easy the next few months. Especially when April 5, 2010, rolls around all the babies are being born when mine is not.

I am just sad. I heard Matt tell a neighbor today that we lost our baby. Our baby. Our baby. It just is sad and unfair. Life isn't fair, I know.

I am not ready yet to find the positive in all of this yet...I know it will come in time. I am just trying to grieve. I have looked at the sono pictures from yesterday all day today until I finally put them on the frig. I am not ready to put them up yet. I asked Dr. B to print me off some...the last ones I'll have.

I have a friend who has been going through the same struggle as me...IVF and infertility. Well, her first round of IVF (she is now going on round 4) she got pregnant. She was about 10 weeks and she lost her baby too. She has been such an inspiration to me and she has helped me so much. She texted me right after we found out there wasn't a heartbeat and she said that her baby met my baby at heaven's gates and that he or she was not alone.

I wonder if there is a section in heaven for all of those little ones that never had the chance to be born. I wonder if they are all playing together and are keeping each other company...just a comforting thought.

I have one more day of bed rest. It is sort of torture because I just sit here and all I can do is think and play on farmtown...

Anyway, thank you for the continuous prayers...sorry for a depressing post. It is just how I feel. I am sure I will feel this pain for awhile.

2 comments:

lmashe81 said...

Don't feel bad for posting your feeling and what you are going through. Just like your friend is an inspiration for you, you are going to inspiration to some one else. They are you feelings and you need to post them when you feel the need to. Some one else may need to know that some one out there understands what they are going through. I am holding you guys up in prayer!

Shan said...

I understand your feelings. Every Feburary is bittersweet when I remember the little one that I lost, but so is August (when I miscarried). So for me I have a bi-annual mourning period each year. I realize that my story is different than yours, since my struggle hasn't been nearly as hard, but the pain is the same.

Your strength is so amazing, and I realize that it's God who strengthens you, as he has me. Thank you for being willing to share these feelings with everyone. Just take things one day at a time ('One day at a time sweet Jesus' just suddenly sprang to mind as I typed that)