Wednesday, September 02, 2009

God is bigger than the hole in my heart.

Never have I experienced such grief. The hole in my heart is huge. When I think I have cried every tear that could possibly fall…well, a fresh group burst on the scene.

I woke up yesterday morning spotting. It was brown, but I was definitely spotting. When I got to the clinic, I got the “Resident” again and at the very first of the ultrasound I was happy…the fluid was cushioning the baby and it was clear…we had amniotic fluid! The baby was bigger but I didn’t see his little heart fluttering…and at that point I knew.

I even knew when she pulled up MY HEARTBEAT on the screen that it wasn’t our little one’s. Dr. Miller had to come in there to confirm. He gave me the appropriate verbiage of sometimes these things happen, there was nothing that you could have done differently, sometimes there is a chromosomal problem that ends the pregnancy.

I sat in my car for who knows how long thinking how I was going to get myself home. I just kept thinking this must be a dream…a nightmare. When I got home, I guess the surge of emotions and the heartache caused me to begin spotting red and passing clots. I had an appointment today at 9 am and the 2nd ultrasound confirmed yesterday’s findings. Dr. B was able to squeeze me in today at noon for a D&C.

I am overwhelmed at the journey we have gone through…from stim shots to retrieval to transfer to the wait to the ups of getting a positive to the downs of bad news to the ups of a heartbeat to the downs of miscarriage. My mind cannot grasp the two month journey. This baby was SOOO wanted. My heartbreaks for my mom and dad. I called dad to tell him and you could just hear the deep sadness in his voice. And, mom (I know you are reading this) but she was so strong on the phone but I know her heart is being ripped out. Not only did she lose a grandbaby…HER baby is hurting…so she has a double-whammy going on.

I am in no pain…physical pain, anyway. My emotional pain is bittersweet. Bitter because the baby is not with us but sweet that the baby is in heaven. I am resting and was told to rest tomorrow and Friday; however, tomorrow will just have to do. I do not have time. My Bike MS ride is Sept 12 & 13 and I still have things to do. I am probably going to work this weekend to make up for the two days I missed yesterday and today. It also helps to have a distraction right now.

Dr. B told Matt that as soon as I start my period then we can transfer the other two embryos that we have frozen. He also said that since we were able to get pregnant then we shouldn’t have trouble getting pregnant with the other two frozen ones. I haven’t been on my period since January 2009…so I have no idea when I should start.

Thank you all for your prayers and encouraging words. It is going to be a long journey of emotional healing. I was hoping that the “conceiving and having a baby” leg of the journey was complete; however, we start over. The shots will begin again (not the stimulation shots) but the progesterone shots will begin, etc. Sigh. I need to mentally prepare myself.

Please keep us in your prayers for the upcoming weeks. Miscarriages are not easy; however, what makes it even harder is that Matt and I cannot get “randomly” pregnant again. We have one more shot. Those two frozen embryos are our only shot. If I knew we could take a break for six months and then start trying…well, it would be easier to swallow. Our options are running out…but God is a big God and I will praise Him in any and all directions that He decides to send me in.

The hole in my heart is HUGE but God is bigger than my huge hole.

Again, thank you for your prayers…I have the most amazing group of friends and family. I love you all.


Denasgifts said...

Girl the way you write I feel your very pain. Of course losing my 3 sweet babies I do know how you feel. Our babies are up there playing together. Mine will help yours around. Im sure they can help him find the trouble to get into. Love you much and Im here if you need anything

Erin said...

My heart is breaking for you. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, and my honest hope is that no one would have to go through that. May God comfort you in your grief. May He lift you up in the midst of these difficult circumstances. May you have hope and may the destiny of your life be fulfilled.

Karen said...


Thank you for sharing your heart. What you say is so true . . thank goodness God is bigger than the holes in our heart! I am also thankful for your busy time at work . . you need the distraction and sense of normalcy in your life right now.

We will be here for you on your next transfer whenever you decide to do it.

Good luck on your upcoming event!


Liz said...

Oh Lisa I am so sorry. My heart cannot begin to imagine your pain.