I have gone through a ton of emotions this week. Bawling and complete despair...defeated and too tired to cry...feeling sorry for myself after reading all of my great new friends finding out about their pregnancies and fertility treatments working..."done" with it all...upset and mad...angry and very peeved.
The question came to mind..."What's fair in all of this????" Why me? I came to the conclusion that it ISN'T fair. However, I had two full days holed up in my house and I came to this realization...
Life's rulebook DOES NOT say life is "fair". The Bible DOES NOT say life is fair. Fair is a very subjective term. Only in MY rulebook does it say this isn't fair...and my rulebook is SUBJECTIVE! My rulebook is SELFISH! My rulebook is STUPID.
Reality is this...God's rulebook says 1) He wants the best for me...to prosper me and not to harm me 2) He will work EVERYTHING out for good (even a miscarriage, if it comes to that) 3) He will not put anything on me that I CANNOT handle (if he thinks I am strong enough to handle a miscarriage...then it is OK). 4) His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways! 5) HE LOVES ME and wants the BEST for me. 6) He is my Comforter! My Prince of Peace!!
Whatever happens on Tuesday...I will be OK. If we see a beautiful heartbeat...WONDERFUL! If the baby still is measuring five weeks and hasn't grown at all...we will be sad...but God knows what He is doing. It may not be fair in my rulebook...but it will be part of God's plan. Heaven will just be all that sweeter knowing that our little one is up there.
I am so glad I am blogging about all of this. In my strong times I have posted pretty brave and noble statements and feelings. Typing out all of this makes me accountable. I MEAN EVERY WORD. God will be glorified in this situation whether it be a miscarriage or a viable, healthy pregnancy. He will get the glory. I said early on if God uses me to help someone find Him in all of this...then it will be worth the long, lonely and scary journey...whatever the outcome. I will praise Him in the barrenness and I will praise Him in the fruitfulness.
Again, I am so glad I have written my feelings down...because A LOT of you have brought my words back to haunt me...(gee, thanks). It has helped to go back and re-read some of my "strong" times and statements.
Today, just know that God loves you...every part of you. Just because you go through a hard time in your life (loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a spouse, loss of jobs, hurtful relationships, sickness, _______ (fill in the blank). It doesn't seem fair in our rulebook...but God has a different one. And, He has different rules that apply...love, peace, comfort, prosperity, safety...He will never leave us or forsake us. Just know that. All of that may sound "Polly-Anna through rose colored glasses", but God's word is TRUE and LIVING...childlike faith is what I need right now. I need "simple" in this complicated time.
I felt the presence of God in and around me all week. I know God is with me and will get us through this. I trust Him in what His will is...my desire is to still be pregnant...but not my will...but YOURS be done. And, Lord, You will receive the glory either way.