Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Pinch me...

I am still in disbelief that my HCG went UP! As I type, I feel pretty nauseated...not the most fun feeling in the world but fun in the respect that something is still "happening" in my uterus. I told Matt earlier that growing a baby is hard work...and that I was working on getting the baby's heart beating. I am 5 weeks pregnant and this week the baby's heart, spinal column, bones and muscles are starting to form. I picture my uterus under a spot light with magical music playing as the baby starts to form...ok, I am weird. Wow, I need to throw up...lol...YAY!

I cannot tell you how many people I have met and have been re-connected with on here and on Facebook that have struggled with or are struggling with infertility. It has been such a source of earthly strength for me. I have said this before, the infertile road is lonely and barren, and having such sweet people to travel this road with...well, it has been invaluable to me.

I am trying to stay positive. My mind goes to the ultrasound and the "what ifs". I HATE the what if game. HATE IT! Because it is never ending...whoever created the "what if" game...stinks. So, I am not going to list out all of my "what ifs"...you get the idea. I know that God has allowed me to get this far and I am so very very thankful. I don't know why He allowed me to get pregnant on my first round of IVF...just like I don't know why He allowed me not to get pregnant for 4.5 years. I feel so privileged and honored right now.


RANDOM: I was thinking about Hannah in the Bible and how she prayed and prayed for a son. Her husband was Ephraim and he had a second wife named, Peninnah. First of all, I can't imagine sharing my husband with another woman...but on top of that Peninnah had many sons and daughters and Hannah's womb was closed.

Every year Ephraim would go up and worship and give sacrifices to God...and Peninnah would torment Hannah and rub it in that she had no children. But, Ephraim loved Hannah and he found her weeping and he said, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" I never really GOT that until now. I think that is so sweet that Ephraim loved Hannah that much. He wanted her happy and the only thing he could say to comfort was..."don't I mean more to you than ten sons?". LOL.

I just think that is funny now. Matt is such a man's man and I can see him getting so frustrated and saying "Lisa! what can I do...I am here...I love you...doesn't that mean anything...you have me..." I don't know what could fill the void of not having children. A husband can help cover up the hole...but nothing can fill that void. Poor guys, sometimes they are clueless. If you have a super-sensitive guy...Congrats! lol. Anyway, not really a point to that story...I just thought it was funny.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

i'm so happy for you. i know you will be a great mom. as i read your blogs i feel like i've know you. it's really weird to read your thoughts that are so familiar to me. i know you hate to be sick but like you said it also nice to know why you're getting sick. i can't wait to be in your shoes sick and all! my husband has told me that if it's just me and him in our little family he will be happy! but like you said you can't fill that void ! but anyways i check your blog everyday and it has helped me out! take care

Anonymous said...

Growing a baby is "hard work", but you will feel the most satisfaction possible as you feel that life growing inside you! I have never felt so special and important as I did when I was carrying you and your brother. OH, men??? What until Matt holds Dawson and Malia and says...Look what I did...ha....Love you Matt!!!!!
Oh, my word to post this was PELISSEA...That could be a girl's name???ha...

Just Jiff said...

Thankfully I didn't have nausea or vomiting, but I had food aversions and was EXHAUSTED ALL.THE.TIME. during my first trimester. My husband (clueless) said, "Why are you sleeping all the time?!" I said, "Um, you knocked me up!" heh. Kind of tacky, but I was tired and he was on my nerves. LOL.

Anyway, you're going to be so cute when you get your belly. I can't wait!

Anna Bowman said...

so happy and excited for you guys! Thank you for sharing your journey with us and for being so transparent. My sister and I have shared your blog with a friend who is struggling with infertility and weighing the options. You will never know how many people you have encouraged by your words!