I am still in disbelief that my HCG went UP! As I type, I feel pretty nauseated...not the most fun feeling in the world but fun in the respect that something is still "happening" in my uterus. I told Matt earlier that growing a baby is hard work...and that I was working on getting the baby's heart beating. I am 5 weeks pregnant and this week the baby's heart, spinal column, bones and muscles are starting to form. I picture my uterus under a spot light with magical music playing as the baby starts to form...ok, I am weird. Wow, I need to throw up...lol...YAY!
I cannot tell you how many people I have met and have been re-connected with on here and on Facebook that have struggled with or are struggling with infertility. It has been such a source of earthly strength for me. I have said this before, the infertile road is lonely and barren, and having such sweet people to travel this road with...well, it has been invaluable to me.
I am trying to stay positive. My mind goes to the ultrasound and the "what ifs". I HATE the what if game. HATE IT! Because it is never ending...whoever created the "what if" game...stinks. So, I am not going to list out all of my "what ifs"...you get the idea. I know that God has allowed me to get this far and I am so very very thankful. I don't know why He allowed me to get pregnant on my first round of IVF...just like I don't know why He allowed me not to get pregnant for 4.5 years. I feel so privileged and honored right now.
RANDOM: I was thinking about Hannah in the Bible and how she prayed and prayed for a son. Her husband was Ephraim and he had a second wife named, Peninnah. First of all, I can't imagine sharing my husband with another woman...but on top of that Peninnah had many sons and daughters and Hannah's womb was closed.
Every year Ephraim would go up and worship and give sacrifices to God...and Peninnah would torment Hannah and rub it in that she had no children. But, Ephraim loved Hannah and he found her weeping and he said, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" I never really GOT that until now. I think that is so sweet that Ephraim loved Hannah that much. He wanted her happy and the only thing he could say to comfort was..."don't I mean more to you than ten sons?". LOL.
I just think that is funny now. Matt is such a man's man and I can see him getting so frustrated and saying "Lisa! what can I do...I am here...I love you...doesn't that mean anything...you have me..." I don't know what could fill the void of not having children. A husband can help cover up the hole...but nothing can fill that void. Poor guys, sometimes they are clueless. If you have a super-sensitive guy...Congrats! lol. Anyway, not really a point to that story...I just thought it was funny.