Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Day Five

So far I have given myself 10 shots. The shots really aren't bad now. They just really sour my stomach. I am not at youth service tonight. I think Matt is a little frustrated. The thought of slapping a smile on my face and trying to make it through the night when I physically, mentally and emotionally do not feel good, sits about the same as the shots do on my stomach.

I feel like this is make it or break it time. The shots are going well and my levels are were they need to be, but if this cycle of IVF doesn't work..............HOW am I going to go through all of this again. How?

I probably shouldn't write the blog when I feel crummy, but I guess this is just part of it. A major part. I woke up fine this morning and was productive at work, but right after the shots I headed for a tailspin. My emotions are all over the chart and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I don't feel like myself. It is like I don't know who this hateful person is anymore.

I know I will never be the same again after this first (and hopefully only) IVF round. Either way, I will never be the same. I feel the enormity of it all resting squarely on my shoulders. If this doesn't work...I will never be able to give Matt kids! Matt, the guy that adores children more than any other MALE I know! He has NEVER been afraid to hold a little one. I remember when he first came to my family's Thanksgiving dinner and we were all sitting at the table when my cousin, Carla, passed her 2 month old son around the table to me. Well, Nick got to Matt first and Matt didn't even flinch! He scooped the baby up and held him and loved on him before he would even pass him to me! I remember glancing around at all the females in my family...they all had their heads cocked to the side looking at Matt like he hung the moon by just loving on Nick! (I guess it doesn't hurt that Matt is a hottie...and when hotties love on babies...umm...well, you know) UGH!

The thought of me not being able to provide Matt a son so he can pass all of his sports' knowledge too or me not being able to provide Matt with a baby girl so he can snuggle her up and be her protector...well, it just rips my heart out.

And, that is just MATT! My mom and dad are counting on me too! What if I can't provide the only grandchild they will ever have? My dad will probably lose the will to live (literally) and my mom will just be heartbroken.

And, don't forget me! The girl who wanted five boys growing up. The girl who always wanted to be a mom above anything and everything. The girl who NEVER considered NOT having a family an option.

*mental shake and sigh*

I have a doctor's appointment in the morning at 9 a.m. I will have lab work and an ultrasound to see how the follicles are progressing. There you have it tonight folks, the bad and the ugly - minus the good.


becca said...

I thought you might be interested in the blog of my friend/neighbor. She has moved to a different spot, but you'll see that address here:
She blogged all about her journey to have a baby... went thru IVF. She is now pregnant, about a month behind me. They are in the ministry too, so I thought you might like to read about her struggles... much the same as yours.

Bobbie said...

Cheer up, Lisa. I know it's easy for me to say that when I'm not and never have gone through what you are, but you know as well as I do that God is with you. He will provide exactly what you need when you need it. He knows how you and Matt want children and he knows that you two would be great parents. Please know that everything will work out for good for you two in HIS most perfect way. Praying for you, Bobbie Sue

florence said...

Hey...not about to tell you to put your happy face on or be tough---I know it's not that simple. I will say though that this won't break you, it won't crush you, it won't last of the hardest things to go through is staring you right in the eyes and it doesn't help that you are Ms Analytical and have to think it all through a hundred different ways!! LOL (smile). Probably doesn't help that Matt is male, young, and probably has no idea how to nurture you right now....while I know it's disappointing and frustrating-don't be too hard on him cause he really doesn't understand and that is not really his fault. give each other space while holding on tight---love you-hope it's better soon! Prayers continually on your behalf.

Anonymous said...

Lis, When you were a baby, Dad and I would just hold you and marvel at how you had a smile on your face even when you slept! I can't count the times that we said we hoped you never would lose that smile and joy in life. Don't let that smile slip now.

Now, everyone pulls their own happiness wagon...Dad will be fine! You are NOT responsible for him...YOu are praying for a baby, and I am praying for MY BABY!!! My ONLY heartbreak is seeing your heartbreak!

So, lose the parent stress, and concentrate on you and Matt. You WILL be a mommy...some way, some how...I just know this.

YOu are can do have never, ever backed down from adversity.GATA.
Love you mostest, Mom

babies wanted... said...

Pray, God will answer your prayers. One way or another, try to remain positive, it has a huge effect on your cycle. I'm sure it's all the hormones your reacting to. Just know this is the road God has planned for you, even if it's not the road we like!

I totally know how you feel, having one failed IVF leaves me asking why?, but I know there is a reason I just don't know the reason yet.

Also our only chance for our baby is IVF too, so no point in thinking negatively. Gotta give it all the positive thoughts you can!

I'll say a prayer for you, this will all pass:). Try to hang in there....

andrea rappold said...

lisa i love you and you and matt will be the best parents in the world i kno its true god is takeing care of you lisa

Denasgifts said...

ok reading what your mom said .. well it set me into a tailspin of tears.. lol your going to do great. And I dont know Matt BUT he married you not knowing if you could have babies, that tells me he loves you no matter what. keep your head up . Love ya and know im here if you need anything.

little sis said...

lisa you and matt are a srong couple and god will let u have a baby and it hurts me to hear this i mean i love you guys so much and i am praying for you everyday and everynight i love you!!!

love your little sis andrea