So far I have given myself 10 shots. The shots really aren't bad now. They just really sour my stomach. I am not at youth service tonight. I think Matt is a little frustrated. The thought of slapping a smile on my face and trying to make it through the night when I physically, mentally and emotionally do not feel good, sits about the same as the shots do on my stomach.
I feel like this is make it or break it time. The shots are going well and my levels are were they need to be, but if this cycle of IVF doesn't work..............HOW am I going to go through all of this again. How?
I probably shouldn't write the blog when I feel crummy, but I guess this is just part of it. A major part. I woke up fine this morning and was productive at work, but right after the shots I headed for a tailspin. My emotions are all over the chart and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I don't feel like myself. It is like I don't know who this hateful person is anymore.
I know I will never be the same again after this first (and hopefully only) IVF round. Either way, I will never be the same. I feel the enormity of it all resting squarely on my shoulders. If this doesn't work...I will never be able to give Matt kids! Matt, the guy that adores children more than any other MALE I know! He has NEVER been afraid to hold a little one. I remember when he first came to my family's Thanksgiving dinner and we were all sitting at the table when my cousin, Carla, passed her 2 month old son around the table to me. Well, Nick got to Matt first and Matt didn't even flinch! He scooped the baby up and held him and loved on him before he would even pass him to me! I remember glancing around at all the females in my family...they all had their heads cocked to the side looking at Matt like he hung the moon by just loving on Nick! (I guess it doesn't hurt that Matt is a hottie...and when hotties love on babies...umm...well, you know) UGH!
The thought of me not being able to provide Matt a son so he can pass all of his sports' knowledge too or me not being able to provide Matt with a baby girl so he can snuggle her up and be her protector...well, it just rips my heart out.
And, that is just MATT! My mom and dad are counting on me too! What if I can't provide the only grandchild they will ever have? My dad will probably lose the will to live (literally) and my mom will just be heartbroken.
And, don't forget me! The girl who wanted five boys growing up. The girl who always wanted to be a mom above anything and everything. The girl who NEVER considered NOT having a family an option.
*mental shake and sigh*
I have a doctor's appointment in the morning at 9 a.m. I will have lab work and an ultrasound to see how the follicles are progressing. There you have it tonight folks, the bad and the ugly - minus the good.