Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Day Eleven - Part 5

What an amazingly emotional day. I drove to the clinic by myself yesterday for egg retrieval and had to leave my car there overnight. So, Matt got up with me this morning and we drove into Little Rock and he dropped me off at my car. I was close to the clinic so I looked up where I knew the "babies" were and it took all I had not to run up there and demand to "watch" over them.

The phone call didn't come fast enough and then the phone rang and I saw it was them and I was like "I CAN'T ANSWER IT!" I was disappointed that more didn't fertilize, but SO VERY THANKFUL that we had four make it this far! My emotions are so crazy right now. I am thrilled that we have made it past another milestone. We KNOW that our "stuff" can mix! lol.

Tomorrow is going to be another long morning. I hope and pray they call us immediately and tell us all four made it through the night and that the transfer will be Thursday. This is our only shot. Egg Retrieval was the most important part of our financial package for IVF. Our package (if you remember) was ONE egg retrieval, one fresh embryo transfer and two frozen transfers within a three month period. But the two frozen transfers depended on how many eggs we were able to retrieve and fertilize. What we didn't use on the first fresh embryo try we would freeze for a later time. And, now we may not have any to freeze.

Our insurance does not cover IVF so our shot at this is once in a lifetime. We don't have another $9000 to spend on this...so this is it. There is so much riding on this. I am so anxious it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I had a thousand thoughts screaming through my head today and, I couldn't calm my racing mind. What if this didn't work? What if none fertilized? What if we miscarry? What if? What if? What if? I am getting good at the "What if" game...and unfortunately there are no winners in that game. It only leads to stress and heartache.

I wrote a blog several years ago called "Head Knowledge vs. Heart Knowledge". My head tells me that God is in control, that He loves me, that He won't put more on me than I can bear, and he wants me to have the desires of my heart. However, my heart is fearful and doesn't "feel" the truth in God's words...does that make sense?

Feelings can betray us - I know they do me. So, I am going to stand on God's word and trust that He has my every need careful thought out and taken care of.

Right now, I am a mommy. My babies are not with me right now. They are in the clinic, but I am a mommy. For as long as I have them with me, I will be the happiest mommy around. I pray that God lets them grow and multiple and I pray that He gives me the opportunity to let them grow inside me. I pray He lets me be their mommy through the first kick, the first smile, the first step, the first word, the first day of kindergarten, and many years to come. I want these babies more than I can even handle it.

On the other side, I pray that God gives me peace and helps me accept whatever the outcome. He has never let me down...not once...and He will not let me down with this even if the answer is "no".

I lead praise and worship and the very first song I ever wrote was birthed from a very dark and trying time for me...it was inspired by Psalm 139. Within five minutes I had the words and the tune...God gave me that song...and just as much as I needed it then...I need it now...so here goes...

You know my name
You know my heart
You know every word before I speak
You know my thoughts
You know my fears
You know every breath before I breathe

And, I come to you Oh, God
Because You consume with Your love
And, I'll rest and know
That my life is in Your hands

You pick me up
With Your right hand
When I fall down You help me stand
You wipe my tears
You dry my eyes
You are the light in my darkest night

And, I come to you Oh, God
Because you consume with Your love
And, I'll rest and know
That my life is in Your hands


Sean and Lendy said...

Beautiful. I am standing with you today.

Denasgifts said...

Im keeping yall in my prayers. Praying those teeny lil lives stay strong. And once they are transferred they stick like Gorilla Glue and duct tape :) You are going to be a great mommie to those lil ones. Hugs and loves. Stay strong hunny

little sis said...

lisa u guys are so awesome i am praying every hour for u too guys are awesome and the little ones will soon be with u too i ,ove u guys with all my heart!!

love little sis andrea

Florence said...

Oh my....Lisa, you aren't going to be a great Mommy, you ARE a great Mommy. I cried when I read that part of your blog because I realized it's true...if we believe and I do, that life begins at conception you have children! QUADS!! WOOT-----I'll help you, don't panic! LOL

Hang in there sister....waiting with bated breath to hear more good news but know in my heart whatever happens here that God is leading the way--His plans are to prosper you, not harm you. He knows your name and every hair on your head so your journey is as it should be.....LOVE AND HUGS