Monday, June 01, 2009

Emotional rawness of a Pity Party gone wrong...

The last few days have been a big pity party for me…not only was ‘pity’ invited, but ‘anger’, ‘envy’, ‘jealousy’ and ‘impatience’ were all invited and they all attended!! And, they all overstayed their welcome. LOL.

I have heard of four “newly” pregnant people just this weekend. Yes, FOUR. Two of which were “accidents” for two teenagers out of wedlock. The simplest thing in the world for some is like rocket science for others. Sometimes I feel like infertility is this huge book of 15 different foreign languages all mixed together and I have to properly translate all of the languages in the right context before I can “unlock” the key to having a baby. It truly seems that impossible.

I have had the privilege of talking with several new “fertility challenged” (that is my new PC word for infertile) friends in the last week and you can feel the heartache and longing in their correspondence. I think the hardest thing is dealing with the conflicting emotions of being genuinely happy and excited for friends, co-workers and family members who have become pregnant and the good ol’ punch in the gut feeling cause you AGAIN are not pregnant. Because we ARE excited for them and we ARE happy for them, but it just destroys your heart all over again.

A couple of years ago, during my first round of IUI, my best friend and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time. She had one beautiful, amazing child, and she and her husband decided to try for a second. We were so excited about it. We just KNEW the time was right for us to get pregnant at the same time and experience pregnancy together as best friends. I was supposed to find out on a Sunday if the IUI worked and on the Friday before she called to say she was pregnant.

Disclaimer…**Remember, I am being totally transparent** I was so happy for her. I TRULY was but, I got off the phone and bawled. Matt was like what in the world (it was that out of control). It was just heartbreaking. In a childlike way, I felt like she made the team and I didn’t. She has been amazing and has been so sensitive to me during this time. This is just something we ‘fertility challenged’ folks deal with on a regular basis.

On the other hand, it hurts my heart that people are afraid to tell me that they are pregnant. One friend of mine was almost 20 weeks pregnant before she told me!! We went to lunch and she shared that she delayed telling me because she didn’t know HOW to tell me. And, that hurt me to think that she didn’t want to share her amazing news with me because she knew it would make me sad.

Anyway, the pity party is over for this week. Remember the above disclaimer…I don’t particularly want anyone posting, “Oh, Lisa, I am praying for you. God knows where you are.” Because, I truly know that. I know that He knows exactly where I am at. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I know that He will not put anything on me that I cannot handle. This pity party was a bad mix of “life in progress” and some "crazy bottomed out hormones"…oh, and that mixture is always a disaster. LOL.

Today was my first day back to work since having surgery and I flipped my daily scripture calendar to June 1 and it read…

“The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.” Psalm 29:11. I thank You, Lord, for giving me strength to deal with this struggle of infertility and I thank You for giving me peace to accept whatever the outcome.


Sean and Lendy said...

right there with you...thank you for being transparent and for sharing a good word from His heart.

Anonymous said...

Just think about how loved your child will be when he/she is old enough to read and understand all of what you guys went through just to bring that special precious baby into your world!!

Anonymous said...

oops, sorry! on the above comment, I meant to say how loved and special your child will feel!!! obviously you will make great parents and already love the child you are longing for.

Karen said...

Perfectly worded . . I'm glad you started this blog!