Wednesday, March 04, 2015

For the last four years...

Well, the last four years have been eye opening.  Reflection is a priceless form of experience.  My take on many things have changed.  Changed to the cynical...

My take on marriage was even lax when I was married.  Naive - I had no idea what I was getting into; and it terrifies me to think about getting married again.  I do want to get married, have a godly man living in the home for D and for me; someone that shares my likes and dislikes and us make each other laugh.  I want there to be true depth - intimacy - not just sex (which, never mind, doesn't put a damper on it) but the true intimacy of really knowing someone.  The good the bad and the ugly.

There are so many temptations out there - I never knew about them until what happened to me - I was so naive as to what could destroy my marriage.  The smallest of fetishes turned into HUGE addictions that became more important than my marriage...and my marriage plus a newborn.  It was a huge slap in the face and to my ego.

My prayer is for marriages to stay away from all of that stuff.  It may seem simple and innocent because it is in the confines of marriage...but it is only a gateway to a horrid sinful world. I urge you to pray before you start dabbling into stuff within your marriage - because eventually it is not enough and that's where hearts and minds go astray.

It is devastating especially to those who are completely naive and caught blindsided.

Pray for your marriage - I don't care how strong it is - pray for your marriage.  Pray for your husband to be the godly man your family needs - that your children needs.

I know I feel a piece of me is missing trying to raise D.  Not "him" being the missing piece but someone being the missing piece that completes our family.  I don't know if I will have the opportunity to have a second chance at marriage; I truly hope I do, but I will have my eyes wide open and protect my marriage with my life depending on it.

Just keep your eyes open  - please.  Confront it immediately, if it doesn't stop, go to a solid couple in your church or your pastor, if it still doesn't change - you know you have tried every avenue to make it work.

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

200

So embarrassingly enough I am posting that I have hit OVER the 200 mark.  I have gained 40 lbs since this summer.  40 lbs.  I can tell when I walk, when I try to lift, or do anything, I FEEL the extra weight.  Muscle tone is gone and it is tough to carry this weight.  I'm posting so you will be my peeps who help me exercise and to eat right.  UGH.  Disgusted with myself - I can barely bend my neck over because of the fat.  Fun times.

So...help me say bye bye to the 200 club.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Unglued

I have the privilege of having a four year old in my bed tonight.  He wanted to sleep with ME and not his NANA - take that NANA!  Yet, this loving boy is a sprawling, magnetic bed hog that makes it tough to sleep peacefully or to sleep at all.  And.  I. Love. It.  Right now he is trying to put his feet on me and push on me - stinker.

The ladies in our church, GracePoint, have started our next devotional called "unglued".  Digging into this bible study is really bringing up some painful memories.  If you remember, my first blog was about infertility and showing my ovaries after surgery - I had promised to be honest throughout the entire blog - well, it didn't turn out the way I had planned and  well, "it came all up unglued".

At this point I would have guessed we would have at least one more child and maybe another on the way and I would be blogging about all of that...instead I get the "stop in your tracks" blog plot.  Wow...what do a write about now?

Besides making the best decisions I could make for D and me, I didn't land me here.  I'm in a foreign world - it's like being single again but with a child...that sounded stupid but think about it - it is life changing and I have been more unglued than glued these past five years.  The journey leading to now is almost as long as we were married (7 years).  One day I'll open up about that journey but I'm going to pick up with the aftermath.  Wow, it has almost been the same amount of time.

I can tell you divorce is not ideal - not at all - but you do what you can to make it work and if two people are not on the same page and refuse to be on the same page, then well, there is only one road to take.

I am out of the "fog" of the journey - it has taken so long for me to get here.  I feel like some one just jump started my heart again.  I am in no man's land however I know it is perfect for me.   My work is seasonal (which I love them) but it's not a permanent career or position.  After June, who knows where I'll end up - It is CRAZY to think that with all the unglued aspects of my life I STILL fit snuggly in the palm of God's hand.  I feel safe in the grand scheme of things but decisions, changes, adulthood (yes, I'm way into adulthood....39) well, those variables unglue me.  My steady hand suddenly becomes a shaking mess; my calm colon, all of a sudden, decides "Lisa is nervous...it's time";  and those butterflies or vultures in my stomach?  There is no Pepcid, no Pepto, no Mylanta...nothing that can calm me.  I MUST DO THIS.  The whole purpose of this bible series is "Who's team am I on?"  Am I for God?  Am, I really on the team or am I a spy per se sitting on the fence jumping this way and that.

I vow to always ask "Am I on God's team?"  If I do then I will always be "protected" - sort of like the mafia "eh, you got friends - no? well, uh, we can give you, sort of, well, some protection" - in my best New Jersey accent.

1.  I have a mighty Rock to stand on
2.  I can hide in his wings
3.  He has already won the battle
4.  I don't have to do anything but stand
5.  He gives me a partner for the journey, the Holy Spirit
6.  The Holy Spirit gives me direction and peace for my journey
7.  He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me
8.  I am the apple of his eye (yes, even me)
9.  He will provide what I need when I need it
10.  He has promised me a heavenly home so bright and fair.

That's how I must stay glued together.  I know God is with me all the time even though half the time I don't recognize it with my blonde, quirky, froot loop ways - "what, who me?"  Ugh.

I'm here.  God placed me here.  He let my feet be planted here for a season and I must grow and produce much fruit - bloom where I am planted.  The first few sprouts maybe thorny and ugly (to get all the ugly out) but I promise a great harvest will happen.   My fruit, God's fruit, will help me feed His people...through a long road of singleness...to the infidelity of marriage....to six years infertility, miscarriage, divorce, father dying, being in deep depression and also dealing with anxiety - God will use it.  It is solid.  It is a solid back story - a very hurtful one - but, I hope, powerful to some.  I can and will do this with God and God alone.

Ok, it's late.  "May the odds be ever in your favor" - Yea, I want to go see Mockingjay :-)  That had nothing to do with the above.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Hardest Thing To Do - Poem

The Hardest Thing To Do:
By:   Lisa Finkbeiner
1-18-15


My heart is heavy
And, also blue

To think of us
And, not to even know you

My life is damaged
And, cracked at the seams

I wish I could find you
But, I know I don’t have the means

Beware of what lingers inside me
Blackness, sadness and sometimes madness

It lurks behind every thought
And, it hides in my every night’s dreamlessness

Making me toss and making me turn
Choking my hope again and again

Will this weakness somehow leave?
When I’m trying to make a life out of this mess I bring?

An explanation for my pain would be wonderful to have
To justify my blankness and to maybe have someone to love.

I don’t want a man to sweep me off my feet
Just someone to grow old with and share an intimate meet.

If you’ve ever felt this empty
Here’s what you do

Find something to fill you up
Find something to pour into you.

It sounds so easy
And, too good to be true

Well, it is

For, it’s the hardest thing to do.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Over 90,000

I can't sleep so I'm up writing.  It looks like we hit over 90,000 total hits over the last 5.5 years.  Crazy!

I'm watching "Practical Magic" for the 300th time.  I don't know why I like this movie.  I love Sandra Bullock...Nicole is OK...Aiden Quinn is decent - but Sandra and Aiden (Sally & Gary) have such chemistry.  And, it is just cute and funny.  So...if you can picture me typing, I have the movie on.

For those who haven't seen D in awhile, I decided to do more pictures that writing.  There are a few funny things this kid does and I never ever ever want to forget them!

 This sums up D in ONE t-shirt.  He is SUCH a mess; I wish more people could be around him to see his little personality.  If his future teachers eery read this (I'm sorry) - I truly am....His Nana is at fault.  :-)

Before being blessed to become a mom I always envied moms that got all these mother's day goodies.  I cherish these.  2014

Sweet little profile.   I will forever EAT HIM UP!


Ms. Channing Barker and D - I do not think I have ever seen this child smile this big - He LOVED her and he loves pretty women - but especially this lady (I love her so much too!)


We like taking selfies as entertainment - He is a camera hog :)


OK - this is Tamara, our favorite Sonic employee/friend.  He LOVES her and calls her his girlfriend.  He got a little shy before I snapped the picture.


This picture reminds me of "I wanna be a baller"...he loves his hightop blue shoes...stinker - I love that face.  How do they grow up so quickly.  I was taking him to pre-school.


This is just a typical D pose, yes, he knew he was getting his picture made :-)


 This is one of best friends from school, E.  HE LOVES E!!!!


Again, just another pose - show off- in his superman underwear!!!




OK, the next series of pictures CRACK ME UP.  He has a few swords and he was on the bed and he was fighting the dark side...watch how it progresses.   He is on the bed...swing and killing storm or clone troopers....




He started out easy - heck, the battle was pretty easy at this point, right?



The battle started heating up and D kept moving closer and closer to the TV.  SOOOOOO captivated.



One more big swing and BAM he hit the ceiling fan - I Just happened to catch his faee right when he did it - This makes me laugh - BELLY laugh.   He was like OH, CRAP!



Sorry formatting the above pictures were too difficult at 4 am. So, I am letting them be.  Let's see what else we have in my photos...



He was happy with his M&Ms or (MMM's -is how he says it)




Attitude.  I'm sorry teachers!



I had to put the clone trooper mask on; D had spiderman and mom was darth vader.  Crazy kid.



Thanks to, AY, as such a sweet sweet amazing  friend...she let us be on a commercial - Mr. Barry Brandt was in the foreground and we were having a fall picnic in September - HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



My little cheese ball (how I love him).  Mom said the teachers would automatically peg him as mine...not true because MOM taught him all he knows (that's bad) :-).






Sunday, January 11, 2015

Yesterday

It has been a hard weekend.  Yesterday, the 10th, was a year since my dad died.  A year.  I can't believe it.

It's funny how people grieve differently...SO differently.  I grieve by not talking about it or talking about it awhile while it is happening (I just want it out of sight out of mind).  My mom wants to talk about it - hash and rehash - not that that is wrong.  It is just her way of grieving.  It has caused more than a few arguments. :-)

I learned a long time ago that my mind cannot handle playing the "what if" game or the "If only he were here" game.  THAT drives me INSANE.  I obsess over it until that is all I think about.  I'm trying to learn to accept and move ahead as best as I can.  Not that I don't want to remember him or want to erase him from my memory; but to dwell on the horribleness will drive me crazy.

I want to be a good mom for D and a survivor for mom...and it is tough.

D is pretty wise for his age.  He asks so many questions about Poppa...that he wants to fly to heaven and see him...in a helicopter...but he has to drive.  He asked me other the day when he was going to heaven and I said "not anytime soon, I'm sure.  I'm sure I'll go way before you"  DUMB BUTTON!  He teared up and said "I don't want to go alone...or who is going to go with me?".  I told him I would go with him (Jesus will come back before that right?).  He remembered watching Jurassic Park with dad (I think D was 18 months old)...he loved the dinosaurs but it was on and I said Jurassic Park and he yelled I watched that with poppa!!!!!!

I hate he won't remember him.  I know dad would get so tickled at his personality now.  He is such a mess.

Today D wanted to paint my toenails and nails...and I told him he would have to go paint Nana's (ha) and Nana said No Dawson - Dawson said, "BUT NANA YOURS ISN'T PRETTY ENOUGH!!!" Stinker.

Love you dad...miss you...I'll always be your Lucy.











Tuesday, January 06, 2015

decisions decisions

I am not the best decision maker - let me repeat - I do not like making decisions (especially big ones).  I even hate the "where do you want to eat" ones.

I'm just gathering my footing to have opportunities to actually have to make decisions and I now know I wish I was back in the womb.  I just like clear cut answers.  I like answers that make sense and that pays the bills and makes everyone happy (me included) and gives me peace and just works out like everything "Should".  Not to mention, I have to make these decisions alone.  I do not have someone vested in me that could help me "make" the right ones.  Pity party table for one!  Pity party table for one!

I'm not really wanting a "person" to help - I just want God to write it on the wall...which I know not to count on.  I just want to be at peace with my decisions and not regret a one of them.  I came across a poem from Helen Steiner Rice "The Poems & Prayers of Helen Steiner Rice"...

In hours of Discouragement
God is our Encouragement:

Sometimes we feel uncertain
   and unsure of everything-
Afraid to make decisions,
   dreading what the day will bring.
We keep wishing it were possible
   to dispel all fear and doubt
And to understand more readily
   just what life is all about.
God has given us the answers,
   which too often go unheeded
But if we search His promises
   we'll find everything that's needed
To lift our faltering spirits
   and renew our courage, too,
For there's absolutely nothing
   too much for God to do...
For the Lord is our salvation
   and our strength in every fight
Our redeemer and protector,
   our eternal guiding light.
He has promised to sustain us,
   He's our refuge from all harms,
And underneath this refuge
   are the everlasting arms...
So cast your burden on Him,
   seek His counsel when distressed,
And go to Him for comfort
   when you're lonely and oppressed...
For in God is our encouragement
   in trouble and in trials
And in suffering and in sorrow
   He will turn our tears to smiles.


There is such a fine line between knowing it is God and wondering if it is your flesh.  I'm a supernatural kinda girl.  I want the burning bush, the parting of the red sea, the water into wine, the paralytic walking - Guess I'm a doubting Thomas in a way - or a Procrastinating Thomas - I just want the answer written in front of me.  Anybody like me?